Dallas, Texas – A new paper published by The Institute for Creation Research states fossils fell out of the sky during the biblical flood. Titled Dinosaurs Rained Down on the Earth (DRDE) the research team headed by Professor Andrew Canard destroys evolutionary theory and revolutionizes the field of creation science.
New Creationism Versus Old Creationism
This excerpt from the abstract of the study explains how this new view of creation differs from orthodox creationism.
Traditional young earth creationism states nonavian dinosaurs walked with humans. Go to the Creation Museum and you’ll see biblical characters frolicking with protoceratops. That never happened. Rather, these thunder lizards lived in the heavenly realms. When they died their carcasses dropped into the divine seas. During the Great Flood, they plummeted down. Today we know them as fossils.
The new theory is having difficulty gaining ground despite all the spectral evidence, hearsay, and deeply held beliefs researched in DRDE. It turns out those holding the traditional view also have copious graphs, charts, and sophistry that supports their view. There is concern the two parties will make future conferences and conventions a living hell if they don’t resolve their squabbling.
Reconciliation Within The Creationist Community
In a closed-door meeting of Fundamentalists for Faith (FoF), the governing body for all things faith and not scientifically based, council members decided the only way to avoid mass conflict within their community is by having mortal combat between a representative from each side — winner take all.
“During the middle ages, Christianity believed in massed armies fighting each other to prove our God was better than anyone else’s,” explained an anonymous council member. “We are much more civilized now. We are upholding the principle of trial by combat, but limiting it to only two people.”
The respective camps have yet to decide who their champions will be.
Las Vegas oddsmakers believe the loser of this battle royale will be the United States of America.
In related news, Chris Evans placed a restraining order on Melania Trump.
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