Texas Church Burns Girl Scout Cookies

Texas Church Burns Girl Scout Cookies March 6, 2021

Who would want to burn these delicious cookies?

Imperial, Texas – This small town of 634 people banded together last and burned hundreds of boxes of Girl Scout cookies. No cookie was spared. Thin Mints, Toffee-Tastic, Lemon-Ups, Tagalongs, Smores, Samoas, Trefoils, and even Do-Si-Dos suffered the fire.

And why did it all happen?

A group of evangelicals seized control of the town last year. These religious fanatics hate what the Girl Scouts stand for.

Evangelicals Seize Power

Reverend Andrew Canard of Stone Ark Baptist Church spearheaded the effort to eradicate all Girl Scout confectionary products from his community. Reverend Canard and the elders of his church took over the hamlet by voting members into the town council and electing Canard mayor. Once religious fundamentalists took hold of the reigns of power, things started to change.

“It’s crazy. The first thing the council did was to ban the 80s movie Foot Loose. The second thing they did was ban dancing,” said one anonymous citizen.

Forbidding the toe-tapping Kevin Bacon classic flick was only the first step, however. Reverend Canard had a grudge against the Scouts and he’d been waiting to exact his revenge.

Amy Coney Barrett Versus The Girl Scouts

When Amy Coney Barret became the newest judge to sit on the Supreme Court, the Girl Scouts congratulated her on social media. They celebrated a woman joining the ranks of the court. The problem is many of the Scout’s supporters saw this as a betrayal of the core principles of the organization. The tweet and Facebook posts were eventually taken down.

Conservatives cried foul and declared the incident was just another case of cancel culture.

Reverend Canard cried the foulest. He preached against the Scouts and their “upitty vaginas.” As soon as he and his allies took power they knew what they had to do — burn Girl Sout cookies.

Burning Cookies At The Stake

Spreading misinformation about the Girl Scouts was the first step to getting public support for the burning. After brainwashing the citizenry a date was set to throw cookie and their boxes into the fire.

Many people report the burning was a huge success. Although numbers vary, it seems hundreds of boxes and thousands of cookies were destroyed.

There is a scandal brewing in this small town. Many sources close to Canard say he took all the Samoas out of his boxes and gorged on them before burning the empty boxes. A blue-ribbon committee is looking into the matter.

In related news, Mississippi passes an anti-Sam Harris law.

 


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