A Very Christian Assault Rifle – The Bifle

A Very Christian Assault Rifle – The Bifle May 18, 2021

The Bifle – King James Version

Remington Steele is America’s foremost manufacturer of high-quality firearms. It has a long history of developing classic weapons for the military as well as civilian use. Founded in 1821 it revolutionized long rifles with its famed Squirrel Musket. During the Civil War, it supplied both sides with weapons like its three-chambered El Loco Revolver. And today it revealed a new faith-based assault rifle — the Bifle.

The Bifle’s Stats

Professor Andrew Canard from Miskatonic University (MU) developed the weapon. He understood far-right militias needed a weapon that could kill deep state agents like House Speaker Nancy Pelosi in a Jesus-centered way. While Canard incorporated traditional Christian imagery to the design of the Bifle he wanted the ammunition to reflect God’s loving character. “I had a lot of problems resolving the bullet issue,” he explained.” And then I realized it didn’t need bullets. What the Bifle needed were Bibles.”

After countless hours of trial and error, Professor Canard developed tiny Bibles that could be fired from the assault rifle. That’s right, the Bifle shoots mini-Bibles designed to kill.

Here are more of the Bifle’s stats:

  • Barrel length:  .5 cubits
  • Cartridge:  .223 Remington King James Bible
  • Action:  Southern Baptist
  • Effective Firing Range:  Dependent on how much faith the shooter has

The Bifle’s Reception

Evangelicals, Proud Boys, and other far-right anti-American groups are flocking to the Bifle. Pastors and other men of God are preaching the good news of shooting heathens at 800 mini-Bibles a minute. Shooting ranges are overflowing with the good Christian men shooting targets that look like Senator Chuck Schumer and Senator Elizabeth Warren.

Here are some anonymous reviews of the Bifle.

  • It has a smooth action and that’s what I want with an assault weapon and the inerrant Word of God.
  • Jesus loves everyone, but there is a special place in heaven for the Bifle.
  • I picked up 12! Now I have all of the Bifle’s Disciples Collection.

In related news, God smites Tucker Carlson dead.


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