Cicadas Attack Joel Osteen

Cicadas Attack Joel Osteen May 4, 2021

Cicadas are insects that spend most of their lives underground eating the fluids found in tree roots. They emerge for 3-4 weeks every 17 years to reproduce. After their eggs are laid, the winged creatures die. Trillions are currently emerging from the earth in North America. A swarm of them recently assaulted megachurch pastor and televangelist Joel Osteen.

Joel Osteen is senior pastor at Lakewood Church in Houston, Texas. His father, John Osteen, founded the church in the back of an old feed store. After dropping out of Oral Roberts University, Joel ran the television programming for the church. He took the leadership role at Lakewood after his father died in 1999. While soaking in his gold bathtub in his1 7,000 square-foot mansion in River Oaks, he was attacked by a swarm of sexually agitated cicadas.

A Plague Of Cicadas

Victoria Osteen is Joel’s wife. They married on April 4th, 1987. The two vowed to support each other in good health and bad until death do they part. Despite decades of marriage and having two children together, Alexandra and Jonathan, nothing prepared her when Joel cried out for her. “I was watching Housewives of Megachurch Pastors when our maid Juanita informed me Joel needed my assistance,” she said. “I found him and millions of locusts in the west wing bathroom.”

The police report states Victoria heard buzzing as she rushed to see what the emergency was. Swarms of cicadas may sing mating songs that get as loud as 100 decibels. The noise became deafening and then she opened the door only to find the senior pastor of Lakewood Church fighting off the flying insects. “It was a terrible scene,” one EMT said. “It’s as if Pharaoh from the Old Testament was fighting off locusts with monogrammed towels.”

Did God Attack Joel Osteen?

Despite many people calling cicadas locusts, they are not related to the biblical bug even though both species can form massive swarms. Professor Andrew Canard is an entomologist at the American Museum of Natural History. He studies how the God of the Israelites uses all matter of insects to smite the wicked, and he thinks God had enough of the televangelist who has a net worth of over $50 million and who preaches the prosperity gospel. “Locusts were the 8th plague of Ancient Egypt. Yahweh decided to use cicadas this time,” he said. “Osteen should be thankful God didn’t use lice.”

Friends close to the victim believe he isn’t going to change anytime soon. Many believe it will take a few more plagues before the so-called man of God mends his evil ways.

In related news, QAnon conspiracists attack a store.

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