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God Kills Tucker Carlson For Masturbating

God Kills Tucker Carlson For Masturbating May 16, 2021


FOX News personality Tucker Carlson is dead. The 52-year-old was found at his home with one hand on his phone and the other on his phallus. The cause of death was God. The crime? Gratuitous self-pleasure.

“The Almighty left a note,” explained Police Chief Andrew Canard, and then read the note. “Quote, ‘I  whacked Onan for spilling his seed. Tucker knew not to wank, but he did. And he did it a lot. So, I killed the wanker.'”

The Biblical Basis For Carlson’s Death

The Old Testament explains God killed Onan for not fathering a child with his dead brother’s widow Tamar.

Judah got a wife for Er, his firstborn, and her name was Tamar. But Er, Judah’s firstborn, was wicked in the Lord’s sight; so the Lord put him to death.

Then Judah said to Onan, “Sleep with your brother’s wife and fulfill your duty to her as a brother-in-law to raise up offspring for your brother.” But Onan knew that the child would not be his; so whenever he slept with his brother’s wife, he spilled his semen on the ground to keep from providing offspring for his brother. 10 What he did was wicked in the Lord’s sight; so the Lord put him to death also. – Genesis 38: 6-10

“Being wicked and spilling your seed are both capital crimes,” said Old Testament scholar Professor Rufus T. Firefly. “Tucker Carlson is lucky God didn’t kill him, bring him back to life and then kill him again.”

Who Is Next?

Gambling sites are now taking bets on who else God is going to kill due to chronic masturbation. PredictIt.com reports over one million people have placed money in this dead pool

Here are the 10 most popular candidates:

  1. Sean Hannity
  2. Sean Hannity
  3. Sean Hannity
  4. Sean Hannity
  5. Sean Hannity
  6. Sean Hannity
  7. Sean Hannity
  8. Sean Hannity
  9. Sean Hannity
  10. Alex Jones

In related news, cicadas attack Joel Osteen.


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