Joel Osteen To Stream Sermons Directly Into Your Brain

Joel Osteen To Stream Sermons Directly Into Your Brain May 1, 2021


Joel Scott Osteen is a world-renowned televangelist, multi-millionaire, and author of daily devotionals like Greed is Godly unveiled a new streaming service that cuts the cable and plugs directly into your cerebral cortex.   Subscribers to JoelOstream will have access to every single church service from Lakewood Church as well as every episode of the Joel Osteen Podcast.

The Genesis Of Joel Osteen’s Streaming Service

Joel Osteen is a man of vision. Back when he started out he produced his father’s televised sermons at Lakewood Church. When his dad died of a heart attack in 1999 Joel stepped into the elder Osteen’s shoes and preached the good news of the unlimited financial profitability Jesus provides. Since taking the leadership role at the church, he has dramatically increased the membership and made himself rich.

“Jesus teaches us to never to satisfied with hundreds of millions of dollars in the bank,” Joel said. “That’s why I reached out to the Neuropsychology Lab at the Theological Institute of Technology. Our partnership is what’s making this faith-based streaming service possible.”

Professor Andrew Canard leads the team that perfected the technology. He believes every soul will be touched by Christ whether they like it or not. “Elon Musk is developing chips that when implanted in the human brain will allow people to drive his vehicles hands-free,” he said. “I decided to dive into brain wave science and synchronizing our streaming waves with those of the human mind. No chips are needed.”

Joel Osteen’s New Controversy

The senior pastor at Lakewood Church isn’t new to being scrutinized by the press. In 2017 he ordered the doors to his church locked in the face of Hurricane Harvey. Many Houston citizens needed shelter and Joel Osteen wouldn’t provide it to them. Another issue with the televangelist is when he took $4.4 million in PPP loans from the federal government. These loans were meant for those suffering from the effects of COVID-19. However, the scandal about JoelOstream looks like the biggest one yet.

“The big problem regulators are going to have is that everyone is getting a free trial period whether they like it or not,” a source close to Osteen said. “Yes, that means you’ll get Joel’s sermons, podcasts, and meat raffles playing in your brain whether you like it or not.”

In related news, a new study of cat buttholes reveals how clean cats really are.


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