Robber ‘Angel’ Steals Church’s Money

Robber ‘Angel’ Steals Church’s Money May 8, 2021

Fordsville, Kentucky – Mary Ellen Ford gets up Monday-Friday at 6 am. She starts the day reading a passage from her King James Bible and then prays for wisdom and strength. Shortly afterward she rouses her three children and husband and helps prepare them for the day. Breakfast served and lunches packed, she sends them off before going to her job at Old Dominion Bank in the center of town. She’s been at the bank for eleven years. Some people say money is the root of all evil, but Mary is quick to remind them the verse is The love of money is the root of all evil.

Mary discovered the love of money can get anyone into trouble. She’s the treasurer at First Baptist Church where she’s been a member for decades. Recent events concerning church funds is making her think Pastor Andrew Canard is a liar and a thief.

Church Money Missing

While looking through the financial records of the church Mary Ellen Ford discovered over the past few weeks money vanished out of the church’s bank accounts. It’s obvious when the money was taken out and it’s crystal clear there hasn’t been any new money deposited. After praying to the LORD on the matter she approached Pastor Andrew Canard with the matter.

Pastor Canard believes Jesus is the way the truth and the light and no one goes to the Father except through him. The good reverend also preaches the prosperity gospel. Even though First Baptist Church has a modest congregation somehow the man of God has a luxurious McMansion in a quite respectable cul-de-sac.

“He’s an effing crook,” Mary later told parishioners. “He’s a lying thieving crook taking money out of the wee hands of Little Baby Jesus.”

An Angel Thief?

Once informed of the missing funds, Pastor Canard let Mary know an angel in need of cold hard cash appeared to him on several occasions. The divine being told him God needed money to fight socialism. If socialism wasn’t defeated and defeated quickly, then everyone in the United States of America would get a good education and decent healthcare and there’s no way Christianity could survive that. After hearing the angel’s message, he let the winged messenger have church money. What else could he do?

Mary Ellen Ford reported she bit her tongue until it hurt so much she needed to put a bandaid on it.

Church Elders Rally Around The Crooked Pastor

Church elders believe the Pastor Canard 110%. They may not understand how percentages work. but they know socialism is evil. It’s killing the soul of America, and if an angel needs money to fight off communist socialism, then so be it. Not only did they unanimously vote to support the reverend, but they also unanimously voted to fire Mary Ellen Ford. She’s no longer treasurer.

She’s taken the setback as well as one can expect. Her faith is still strong God and that Democrats are trafficking mole children under Manhattan for sex slaves.

She hopes the church elders will wake up and see the lying liar reverend for who he is.

In related news, Mary Taylor Greene is getting divorced.

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