The United Evangelical Congress of America (UECA) published a diagnostic tool that allows everyday people to quickly determine whether or not they are going to Hell. The ten-question assessment tool is officially named the Diagnostic Afterlife Metaphysical Neological Analytical Tool Investigating Ontological Nonbeing (D.A.M.N.A.T.I.O.N.). Most ministers, however, are simply calling it divine.
For thirty-five years Reverend Andrew Canard has preached the word of God in the sleepy town of Confederacy, Arkansas. He’s excited the test will energize his congregation. “They get tired of me telling them they’re going to Hell. Now I have scientific proof!” he said.
Here are the 10 questions. Those taking the test only need to answer Yes or No.
- Is Jesus the Lord of your life?
- Did Jesus die for your sins?
- Are you carrying your cross daily so that everyone can see?
- Do you really think only 10% of your gross income is enough to tithe?
- Are Catholics Christians?
- How many bubbles are in a bar of soap?
- Did homosexuals steal the rainbow?
- Have you given up masturbating for Jesus?
- Explain the Trinity with your eyes closed.
- Is your cat a Christian?
Answering any question incorrectly undeniably reveals that the taker of the test is going to a fiery afterlife. In fact, just looking at the questions means you are going to Hell.
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