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Family Members Bother Millions Of Americans. Here’s How To Cope.

Family Members Bother Millions Of Americans. Here’s How To Cope. June 25, 2021


Every day tens of millions of Americans are suffering. With the nation opening up and people are experiencing post-covid life, they are coming to the bitter realization family members are still irritating.

“During the height of the pandemic, I interacted with Uncle Pete on Facebook,” said thirty-two-year-old Andrew Canard. “We just had lunch yesterday, Know what? I forgot he eats with his mouth open.”

Under pressure from the day-to-day effects of living through a pandemic made many think about life pre-apocalypse in a rosy light, explains Rufus T. Firefly, a doctor of cognitive dissonance at Miskatonic Clinic. “When you’re miserable there is a tendency to put the past on a pedestal,” he said.

Here are a few tried and true methods to cope with your bothersome family.

1. Pretend to be a person who likes your family.

Fake it ’til you make it isn’t just something people say. Peer-reviewed research shows that by putting yourself into a slight disassociative state you can get real relief from your super religious Aunt Becky.

But how does one achieve this sort of benign psychosis?

The trick, experts say, is to meditate. While breathing deeply in a quiet area mentally associate something you like with Aunt Becky saying something like, “God made Adam and Eve; not Adam and Steve!” By practicing this technique you may be able to limit the amount of bile surging into your mouth when interacting with her. Be warned, there is a danger you may ruin the thing you hold in a positive light with the negative emotions you have towards your relative.

2. Pretend the crisis isn’t over.

Have you heard about the delta variant? It means business. This COVID-19 mutant is more transmissible and deadly. It’s only prudent to stay inside and avoid everyone. Now, that’s what you tell those you want to avoid. You want them to think you’re paranoid (and there’s a strong case to be made that you’re not that paranoid, btw).

If you are going to follow this strategy make sure you don’t run into anyone you want to avoid in public. Also, you may want to create secondary social media accounts to post fun-filled pics and videos of your life post-pandemic. You don’t want them to know the truth.

3. The medicinal application of THC.

THC is the active ingredient in marijuana. With many states legalizing recreational pot, this option is open to many. In states where only medicinal marijuana is legal, then getting a prescription for a mind-altering medication to deal with your sister who texts you back instead of taking your calls is possible. Experts warn to keep an eye while consuming edibles. After the first brownie, it’s easy to forget they are, in fact, pot brownies.

Medical experts remind their patients that taking care of their mental health is just as important as staying physically fit!


*This bit of satire is based on the NPR story Tinnitus Bothers Millions Of Americans. Here’s How To Turn Down The Noise. As a lifetime sufferer of ringing in the ears, I found the piece full of helpful advice.


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