Researchers at Miskatonic University developed a new diagnostic tool to help determine whether or not a subject is having a religious experience or expressing symptoms of mental illness. “This simple 10 question quiz will revolutionize how we think about faith and insanity,” stated Professor Andrew Canard.
Here is the exam.
- Agree or Disagree Jesus came as a sword (Mathew 10:34). The coronavirus vaccine isn’t a sword. Therefore Marjorie Taylor Greene is right.
- True or False I haven’t slept for days because I keep thinking about committing sins against the Holy Spirit. I don’t know what that means and the Bible is dodgy about its definition.
- Multiple Choice 1 You’re going to Hell; 2 We are going to Hell; 3 Chewing with my mouth open makes everyone around me wish they were in Hell
- True or False Angels tell me I can transform wine. I drink several bottles daily and pee a lot.
- Agree or Disagree Everything is true in the Bible — even the parts that contradict the other parts
- Multiple Choice 1 There are invisible powers and principalities I am fighting a war against daily; 2 I stand all day at Planned Parenthood and yell Bible verses; 3 I just binge-watched every single episode of the 700 Club
- True or False My romantic partner left me because they don’t agree with Jesus and me that spit is lube.
- Agree or Disagree The second commandment and the second amendment are the same thing.
- Multiple Choice 1 I don’t understand words so I quote Tucker Carlson; 2 I don’t understand words so I quote Joel Osteen; 3 I don’t understand words so I mime my prayers to Jesus
- True or False God can make a burrito so spicy Jesus can’t eat it.
In related news, a man glues his penis to a Bible to stop masturbating.
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