Washington DC- Court reporters are whispering that Justice Clarence Thomas’ robes are infused with the aroma of marijuana. Rumors have been swirling around for weeks whether or not the most conservative judge on the Supreme Court is, in fact, chronically stoned out of his mind.
“We guessed what the smell was immediately,” said Andrew Canard, a reporter for Patheos International. But no one could figure out which one of the justices was toking up. The smell was so powerful it was possible a few of the justices were partaking.”
It was a mystery to be sure. Journalists weren’t able to get close enough to the justices to get a closer sniff. Several of the press asked court officers what they thought, but no one was willing to say anything on or off the record.
It was Andrew Canard who finally found out the truth. Every member of SCOTUS utilizes the Judicial Branch Laundry Service (JBLS). Mr. Canard knew that if he could find an ally there, then the case would be blown wide open.
“It’s amazing what access you can get when you start handing out Arby’s gift cards,” Mr. Canard said. “It took me five minutes of sniffing around to find out ALL of Justice Thomas’ robes smelled.”
It should be noted some of Justice Stephen Breyer’s items also had the smell. “Breyer is a casual smoker, but my man Thomas is waking and baking every day,” Canard noted.
Anonymous sources close to Thomas report that he realizes people are noticing the aroma. He is currently searching for an edible that will get him the same sort of body high he’s grown accustomed to.
This Poe is based on the story Clarence Thomas says federal laws against marijuana may no longer be necessary
Clarence Thomas, one of the Supreme Court‘s most conservative justices, said Monday that because of the hodgepodge of federal policies on marijuana, federal laws against its use or cultivation may no longer make sense.
“A prohibition on interstate use or cultivation of marijuana may no longer be necessary or proper to support the federal government’s piecemeal approach,” he wrote.
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