A new survey of 981 evangelical ministers in the United States reveals what the best prayer method is to ask the Almighty for miracles. These men of God voiced high degrees of confidence in the procedures that will guarantee the finding of car keys as well as miraculous healings.
Professor Andrew Canard from the Theological Institute of Theology (TIT) conducted the study. The results of the survey are published in the Journal of Cryprocryptology. He believes everyday Americans will benefit from learning the tricks of the trade from the masters. “Even if you only have the faith the size of a mustard seed these techniques will level your prayer game up from novice to grandmaster,” he said.
Although the ministers offered a variety of powerful prayer techniques there were three that were at the top of everyone’s list.
A vast majority of the respondents (78%) said God is more likely to answer your prayers if you squint your eyes “really really hard” while praying. The research also points out the bigger the miracle one is asking for dictates how long the squinting has to place. For example, if you’re looking for a parking spot at the mall, then you don’t need to squint for more than a second. However, if you’re asking God to reopen your neighborhood Applebee’s that closed down, well, you may have to squint for days.
“Do you know why the ancient Israelites had to wander in the desert for 40 years? Moses had to keep his eyes closed because of all the squinting,” Professor Canard said.
Attacking Critical Race Theory
Here’s how Britannica.com defines Critical Race Theory:
an intellectual movement and loosely organized framework of legal analysis based on the premise that race is not a natural, biologically grounded feature of physically distinct subgroups of human beings but a socially constructed (culturally invented) category that is used to oppress and exploit people of colour. Critical race theorists hold that the law and legal institutions in the United States are inherently racist insofar as they function to create and maintain social, economic, and political inequalities between whites and nonwhites, especially African Americans.
“Jesus hates critical race theory,” one respondent wrote. “If you want something from the Messiah, then get into his good books by defending systemic racism!”
Fleecing The Flock for Cash
One hundred percent of the evangelical pastors who took the survey stated the best way of accessing their deepest desires is by squeezing their congregations for hard, cold cash. The ideal situation is when a true believer signs up for recurring donations via their credit card.
“It’s called the Gold Standard,” explained Professor Canard. “Many times sermons about the Golden Rule will include how important it is for parishioners to meet the Gold Standard.”
There are other methods of extracting money from the flock. For example, many churches provide a monthly “Jesus box”. This box arrives at the door of the subscriber and the contents include such items as Chick tracts, anointed water, and MyPillows.
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