FOX News is facing difficult financial times. More radical media outlets like OAN, Newsmax, and The Daily Stormer are taking its viewers as well as sponsors. Recent financial filings for the last quarter show revenue is down 16% and if something isn’t done soon, then the entire network will be in deep trouble.
Enter marketing legend, Andrew Canard. Mr. Canard is considered an advertising guru in the industry. He helped turn around the balance sheets for the Catholic Church in the deep dark days of the child sex scandals and the Boy Scouts in the deep dark days of their child sex scandal. He’s vowing to turn FOX News around.
“What we are doing is expanding the base of companies who are advertising with us,” Mr. Canard said. “We’re going to be swimming in cash in a few months.”
Even though Mr. Canard’s plan is in its early stages, we can see a partial list of who is going to be starting to advertise on FOX News.
- Mein Pillow – MyPillow has a further to the right competitor, and their ads for pillows that recite classic literature like Mein Kampf while you fall asleep are pure ad sizzle.
- Ron DeSantis’ Anti-Covid Hockey Face Masks – Florida Governor Ron DeSantis is selling anti-covid hockey face masks. These masks will protect against pucks, but they do nothing against viruses.
- Henry’s Horse Pills – Spokesperson Marjorie Taylor Greene is excited to sell her COVID-19 miracle cure on FOX News.
- Bear Spray Penis Protector From Homosexuals – There are some men who believe bear spray keeps vicious ursines away, but it wasn’t meant to be sprayed on penises. Those men are 110% completely wrong. Spokesperson former Mike Pence says so!
Financial experts say it’s only a matter of time before FOX is back making money hand over fascist fist.
In related news, Fox News personality Tucker Carlson was kicked off a plane.
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