Washington DC – Early this morning President Biden ordered the Federal Communications Commission (FCC ) to place new restrictions on FOX News. The conservative channel that features such personalities as Tucker Carlson, Laura Ingraham, and Geraldo Rivera must play 15 minutes of actual news each and every day from 8 pm-8:15 pm.
“This cuts into our prime time lineup of top propagandists,” said FOX News CEO Andrew Canard. “Facts are going to kill us.”
Here is a list of what the “news” giant has to do to comply with the regulation:
- A legitimate journalist needs to head the segment.
- Stories must cover national and international issues.
- Weather, sports, and entertainment are not to be included.
- Jesus isn’t a news story.
- White genocide isn’t real news.
- What Tucker Carlson read this morning on The Daily Stormer isn’t really news either.
- OK, let’s just let someone from BBC News manage it.
Sources at FOX say they expect a deep dip in ratings. “Do you know they plan to have a 2-minute science segment daily?” CEO Canard said. “Why not have us read The Communist Manifesto while they’re at it?”
There’s no doubt the Supreme Court will weigh in on the matter at some point. However, that hearing could be months from now. Until then, it looks like FOX News will have to broadcast a wee bit of reality-based information.