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Getting Into Your COVID-19 Beach Body

Getting Into Your COVID-19 Beach Body September 15, 2021

A lot of people are happily in the pumpkin spice zone. After all,  it is September, and corporate America is telling us our collective existential dread can be ameliorated by a foaming cup of some kind of seasonal spiciness.

Screw them. And screw all their pumpkin products.

Me? I’m in training to get my best COVID-19 beach body.

The COVID-19 beach body is different than your garden variety beach body. You see, the everyday beach body can still die horrifically from COVID-19. That 2% body fat may not preserve you from the slings and arrows of the virus that’s too legit to quit. Sure, you may look cool as they intubate you in the ICU, but that won’t help you score with that hot nurse or doctor.

Because you’re intubated.

And no one is going to want to have sex with you when you have a tube down your throat.

Except for weirdos. And let’s hope you’re better than that.

My training regimen is severe.

  • Masking up when I’m in public and indoors.
  • Getting vaccinated.
  • Losing that 13 pounds and getting my blood pressure down.
  • Holding my breath when I pass people in the street.

OK, that last one probably doesn’t help. But it makes me feel better and in a world where there’s more of a push to get me to drink pumpkin spice lattes than getting vaccinated, well, I think it makes sense.

Some of you will say, “I can get have my pumpkin-infused lifestyle and my COVID beach body, too.”

Maybe you’re right.

But I’m still going to hold my breath when I pass people on the street.


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