Washington DC – Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene is organizing congressional Republicans to push the Mars-Coal Act once the GOP wins control of the legislature after the midterm elections next year. The ultimate goal is to burn fossil fuels and pump the Martian atmosphere full of greenhouse gasses. In effect, MTG is planning to turn frigid Mars into another Earth using the GOP’s favorite energy source.
“Mars is a big place,” she said. “Why aren’t we putting Americans to work there?”
Republicans are heralding the bold move. Many in the GOP have much to gain. The coal industry will need to hire miners as if it were the 19th century. Workers will have job security for generations. Construction workers will be employed to build the factories that will billow pure, unfiltered coal smoke into the Martian sky. Even the eggheads at NASA will see real funding. It’s rumored space agency scientists and engineers may no longer have to hold bake sales and car washes to keep the organization financially afloat.
Many experts point out that Elon Musk stands to win big. NASA alone can’t handle the job of transporting coal, men, and materials to the red planet. Musk’s company Space X will receive massive amounts of American taxpayer dollars to make the dream of a coal-transformed Mars come true. Sources say the billionaire is happy to get big fat government contracts as long as he doesn’t have to pay taxes.
Non-partisan think tanks believe the big losers of the plan will be the American taxpayers and future generations of American taxpayers. With the country already mired in debt making Mars into another Earth will send the nation into fiscal crisis.
“This is the death of the middle class in America,” stated Massachusetts Representative Andrew Canard. “It’s going to bankrupt us all.”
An anonymous Republican replied to that concern. “It’s only going to ruin people who pay taxes or rely on government handouts. The rich have nothing to worry about. Check and mate, Democrats.”
The future of Earth and Mars is in question. Will Republicans be able to pollute Mars into their weird version of the Garden of Eden?
No one knows for sure.
In related news, the UN targets Florida.
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