New York City – Citing religious freedom the United States of America vetoed a United Nations measure requiring armed monitors to supervise the Catholic Church. The No Child Left Behind proposal would’ve created a force to monitor Vatican City as well as a team to audit Catholic churches, schools, and other related sites.
The Catholic Church’s Crimes Against Humanity
No Child Left Behind was the brainchild of *Andrew Kanard, Iceland’s ambassador. He believes the recent revelations concerning the 216,000 French children abused by priests and the Church’s successful legal campaign against victims of Catholic residential schools in Canada requires real action.
“The French inquiry reports the Church showed a ‘cruel indifference towards the victims’ and points to the sad fact that 216,000 abused children is a low number. The final number will probably be closer to 330,000,” he said. “And in Canada, the Church spent 6 million dollars so that it didn’t have to pay out victims and their family. This is especially egregious considering they raised 300 million dollars for new buildings.”
Ambassador Kanard also pointed out if any other country had exported such behavior, they would’ve been invaded and occupied a long time ago. Apparently, Vatican City enjoys the religious freedom to rape children.
The US Vetoes No Child Left Behind
The United States was the only member of the permanent security council to vote against No Child Left Behind. President Joe Biden reportedly is looking at the upcoming midterm elections and doesn’t want to alienate voters who are pro-child rape.
“Presidents need to show leadership on tough issues,” one White House insider said. “And what we don’t need right now is to protect children.”
In related news, this is the most terrifying Halloween costume of them all.
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*OK, let’s unpack this a bit. Oh, and congrats on scrolling all the way down here! You get five points. The French inquiry and the bit about the Church screwing over victims in Canada are 100% true. However, the satirical piece is the US vetoing the UN proposal. There was never such a proposal.