Kyle Rittenhouse Endorses ‘The King James Rifle’

Kyle Rittenhouse Endorses ‘The King James Rifle’ November 20, 2021


Kyle Rittenhouse has been found innocent of all charges by a jury of his peers. Conservatives are flocking to congratulate his win. A variety of right-wing businesses want him to be the face of their business. And Mr. Rittenhouse has gotten his first deal.

He is now the spokesperson for The King James Bible Rifle — the Bifle.

What Is The Bifle?

Professor Andrew Canard from Miskatonic University (MU) developed the weapon. He understood far-right militias needed a weapon that could kill deep state agents like House Speaker Nancy Pelosi in a Jesus-centered way. While Canard incorporated traditional Christian imagery to the design of the Bifle he wanted the ammunition to reflect God’s loving character. “I had a lot of problems resolving the bullet issue,” he explained.” And then I realized it didn’t need bullets. What the Bifle needed were Bibles.”

After countless hours of trial and error, Professor Canard developed tiny Bibles that could be fired from the assault rifle. That’s right, the Bifle shoots mini-Bibles designed to kill.

Here are more of the Bifle’s stats:

  • Barrel length:  .5 cubits
  • Cartridge:  .223 Remington King James Bible
  • Action:  Southern Baptist
  • Effective Firing Range:  Dependent on how much faith the shooter has

The Future Of Kyle Rittenhouse And The Bifle

Although specific aspects of the deal aren’t public, makers of the Bifle are saying to expect Kyle Rittenhouse to promote the weapon at megachurches, county fairs, and future Nuremberg rallies.

In related news, the Catholic Church is fighting the sin of clean drinking water.


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