Opinion: We Need More Texas-Like Bounty Laws

Opinion: We Need More Texas-Like Bounty Laws November 3, 2021

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As SCOTUS looks at the Texas law that gives citizens money for reporting abortions, one can only wonder “Why isn’t there a bounty on pedophiles?”

It’s the position of the Laughing in Disbelief editorial team headed by Dr. Andrew Canard that many societal ills would be ameliorated if we apply the methodology of bounties.

In short, we need to provide financial incentives for citizens to self-police the civilian population. If someone sees something, then they should report it to law enforcement.

Self-policing works, people. Look at Wall Street, the Catholic Church, the fossil fuel industry, and police departments. They are all institutions that self-regulate and are doing a wonderful job at it.

Here is a small list of serious crimes that can benefit from bounties:

  • IRS cheats. This is a real one, folks. Do you know someone who cheats on their taxes? Of course, you do. The tax code incentivizes it. Why not pay people big bucks for ratting on their friends and family?
  • Starbucks customers There are those who abuse “the line” by not having payment ready. They are worse than Republicans.
  • Non-poop scoopers It doesn’t matter how small the poop is, dog walkers need to bag and trash. And if they don’t, then take a quick photo and get a cash reward.
  • Dry Thanksgiving Turkey Thanksgiving is coming and there’s no reason why you should suffer from dry turkey or for that matter lackluster gravy and stuffing. Call the FBI on Nana and get a free coupon for Dave & Busters.

If we all work together we can make America the sort of country it was destined to be.


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