Heaven announced it’s in the middle of a severe labor shortage. Positions throughout the divine realm are empty and there are no signs anything is going to change soon.
“We even tried reaching out to the Infernal Realm for temporary workers, but we’re being told over and over again, and I quote, ‘No one wants to work in horrible conditions and for a jerk boss,'” said Secretary of Labor Archangel Andrew Canard.
Economic reports state half of all heavenly employers are finding workers to take advantage of is 90% more difficult than it was a year ago.
The shortage is leading to a breakdown in services that the godly 1% have come to appreciate. Customers are waiting for their Peppermint Sugar Cookie Asherahmilk Latte for an extra 2 whole minutes to get their order. Incidents are occurring at restaurants. Would-be patrons are getting into fights over available seating.
Lucifer, Prince of Darkness and Lord of the Infernal Realms, isn’t reporting any issues finding high-quality workers. Labor is protected from predatory capitalism by strong unions and by a system of government that doesn’t treat its people as slaves.
“It’s enlightened self-interest when you get down to it,” Lucifer said. “Only megalomaniacs like Jeff Bezos and God feel the need to totally dominate the workforce.”
In related news, white evangelicals are rioting in heaven.
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