If you are willing to learn, there are lessons to be absorbed in nearly any crisis. During my extended crisis I learned about comforting those who are greiving, I learned about life, and I learned about God.
Unfortunately, we have several pet phrases that are intended to comfort but are theologically dubious and potentially harmful.
“God needed another angel” is a phrase I wish we would banish forever. First, God has no need. God is the infinite source of all existence. God is fully complete within Himself. He has never had a need and has no needs now. Secondly, if God wanted another angel, He would speak one into existence. He has no need to end the life of a human in order to fill the heavenly realms with angels. Thirdly, humans do not become angels when we die. We are still human, just in a different form. The phrase is trite, and offers very little comfort.
“It was God’s will.” This phrase, while well meaning can be very harmful. It makes God the focus of the person’s greif, making God to be the bad actor. It makes the person look for the heavens for an answer that may never arrive.
“God will not give you more than you can handle.” I hear this phrase frequently, and it is the worst sort of misreading of Scripture. The phrase is a misreading of 1 Cor. 10:13 which reads, “No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.” It is not that you will not be given more than you can handle, but that you will only be tempted to your capacity. Even then, the focus is on the God who will provide a way of escape. We are never told that we should rely of our own resources, we are to rely on God. It is God’s strength that we are to rely on. God is the One who can handle everything we face. We run to the strength of God. God can handle anything.
Instead of theses phrases try, “Your loved one is safe with God,” or “We will never be separated from God’s love,” or better yet, “I love you.” It is natural to want to give an explanation when a loved one is suffering, but during the hour of sorrow explanations are usually unhelpful. That temptaion to provide them is best avoided. Instead, focus on care and concern. Just do the loving thing. You may find that the best thing you can say is nothing. Your mere kind presence is very, very good.
Since I have recovered from my crisis, I have been reminded that my life has been very good. Despite my greif and sadness, I have had a charmed life. I have had educational opportunities that my parents and grandparents could have never imagined. I have never lived in want. I have never had to be hungry. I have spent most of my life in good health. I have been blessed with an amazing wife and beautiful children. I have the kind of job I have always wanted, and I get to do what I love every day. If I look at human history, I know that the vast majority of people who have ever lived would gladly trade places with me. I also know that there are probably 4 billion people on planet earth right now that would gladly take my place. Despite all the darkness that I have described, I have little reason to ever complain. My defalut emotion should be gratitude. God has been very good to me.
I have also learned that I misunderstood God. For many, God is the one who controls the world with an absolute decree. What I have learned is that the world is much more complicated than that. There are spiritual forces of which we are largely unaware at work in the world. Further, the fall of humanity has affected the world and even our bodies. Humans also have the opportunity to choose. So, when bad things happen God is not the sole actor. The fall causes ruin in creation so that it is contains danger. The fall causes ruin in our bodies so that they fall into disease and disfunction. People make bad choices and this can cause great harm to themselves and others. All of these are factors in the world in which we live, a world that previous generations of Christians called a “vale of tears.” I have learned that God is good beyond my understanding, merciful beyond explanation, powerful beyond imagination, and always on my side. He is the One to whom I run when sorrow overwhelms me. He is the One to whom I run when joy overfills my heart. God is good.
Ad-Free & Subscriber Log-In