“Why didn’t Allies do more?” demands organisation that sent Hitler a birthday card

“Why didn’t Allies do more?” demands organisation that sent Hitler a birthday card June 24, 2015
Pope Francis expresses his views on homophobia. Photo: Korea.net / Korean Culture and Information Service (Jeon Han)

The head of an organisation which vigorously opposed the Third Reich by providing no official resistance has criticised the Allies for failing to stop the Holocaust.

“Why didn’t you bomb the railway lines to concentration camps?” asked Pope Francis, adding “The Holy Roman Church made an uncompromising stand by sending birthday greetings to Hitler in 1939 in the name of all German Bishops.”

The Pontiff conceded that, following the war, Nazis were not excommunicated from the church but pointed out, “Automatic excommunication is reserved for really serious crimes, like having an abortion or impersonating a priest.”

“Anyway,” he continued, “we excommunicated Joseph Goebbels and that totally wasn’t only because he married a Protestant.”

The Pope was also glad to have the opportunity to mention the Church’s historic position on Jews.

“I’m glad you brought that up,” he grins. “Until 1965, it was the Church’s position that the Jews killed Jesus. In 1904, Pope Pius X said ‘The Jews have not recognised our Lord, therefore we cannot recognise the Jewish people’. And when in 1924 a Vatican spokesman described the Jewish race as ‘permeated with a revolutionary and rebellious spirit’, we felt our position was quite clear.

“So as you can see, nothing in the Church’s official position could be construed as endorsing hatred for Jews.”

The comments follow the Pope’s welcomed remarks on climate change. In an encyclical praised by climate scientists, the Pope had said we should do everything we can to halt the effects of climate change, as long as that didn’t involve giving rights to women.

“We know that climate change is going to have the most devastating effects on the poor,” said the man in the ridiculous hat, “but our Lord is quite clear that he wants us to keep the bitches down. Obviously, the best way to help people escape poverty and control their own destinies is to empower women to make their own fertility choices. This would also save children from being born unnecessarily into poverty.

“But Church teaching is unequivocal on this: women are icky and they bleed for a week at a time, which is just gross.”

Before returning to his gold palace, the advocate of humble living said: “At least, that’s what I’ve heard. I’ve never actually been alone with a woman so I don’t know much about this.”

Here’s what Pope Francis actually said about the Allies. For a commentary on the Pope’s encyclicals on climate change, see here. Pope Francis didn’t actually say any of the stuff attributed to him in the above blog post; this is satire. 

Thanks to Ben Kerr, who inspired this post by his comments on Facebook.

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