I had a long workout planned this morning, 6-8 miles. I did not get it in, I have a lot of excuses as to why. The biggest excuse was that I just enjoyed spending time with my wife a lot more than I would have enjoyed running in the 25-degree, 11 mph wind this morning. We do not get moments like this much anymore. I work 8-10 hours most weekdays and at least 5 hours on the weekends. She works 12 hours a day 3 days a week. And she switches back and forth between night and day shifts. So, these moments are precious and few.
In this post, I want to discuss relationships and how like many of the practices I talk about under this title, maintaining a healthy relationship is a spiritual practice that obviously benefits you, but also widens your influence and broadens and strengthens your social relationships.
As an Outpatient Mental Health Therapist, some of my work is devoted to helping couples figure out and navigate around the obstacles they are facing in their relationships. I was trained in 2020 in the Gottman Method of couples therapy. Over the pandemic, I as well many in my field observed an increase in a variety of mental health presentations. Couples also began to show up in large numbers in my referral list.
The Gottman Method Briefly https://www.gottman.com/about/the-gottman-method/
Established by John and Julie Gottman over forty years ago, it uses extensive research to provide evidence-based couples therapy to couples whose relationships are in trouble. Their main premise is moving gridlocked issues into dialogue through the identification of markers that demonstrate indicators for maritial demise.
According to their website, “The Gottman Method aims “to disarm conflicting verbal communication; increase intimacy, respect, and affection; remove barriers that create a feeling of stagnancy and create a heightened sense of empathy and understanding within the context of the relationship.”
Another hallmark of their work is their notion of the “4 horsmen of the apocalypse”:
First, couples who stay together experience at least five positive interactions for every negative interaction during conflict. In addition, couples who broke up exhibited a high level of behaviors that Gottman refers to as the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse,” which include:
Criticism
Defensiveness
Contempt
Stonewalling, or withdrawing from interaction
How a couple does relationship directly impacts the family system they later create. Alcoholism, emotional immaturity, and trauma all impact the relationship and eventually impact how the couple attaches to their children and the type of parenting they display.
How Attachment Disruption Disrupts Relationships
There are four types of parenting styles and there are four types of attachment styles. John Bowlby is often credited as being the father of attachment theory, Mary Ainsworth is also noted for her work with attachment. John Bowlby devoted extensive research to attachment, describing it as a “lasting psychological connectedness between human beings.”(Fuertes, et al. 2017).
Bowlby shared the psychoanalytic view that early experiences in childhood are important for influencing development and behavior later in life.
From my side of the chair, the correlations between one’s parenting style and the attachment style they create in their child is crystal clear. One of the many themes I engage with my clients in is the role shame and guilt have in the development of their children. Say for example, if one engages in the traditional authoritarian parenting style (high demandedness, low emotional connectivity), it is often observed that the results will create more of shame response.
In child/parent development, shame creates the illusion that there is something wrong with oneself. Bids for repair are often unsuccessful. With a guilty response, guilt simply acknowledges one did something wrong and the bid for repair is created and successful.
The resultant effect across the lifespan is the creation of anxiety and depression in an individual, poor coping skills, codependency in some cases (other factors are involved here) and significant issues with communication and connectivity in future relationships.
Parenting and Attachment Styles:
https://mcpress.mayoclinic.org/parenting/what-parenting-style-is-right-for-you/
https://www.verywellmind.com/attachment-styles-2795344
Parenting styles:
Authoritative
Authoritarian
Neglectful
Permissive
Attachment styles
Secure
Ambivalent
Avoidant
Disorganized
Cultivating a Healthy Relationship
Cultivating a healthy relationship starts with you. Maslow’s hierarchy of needs suggests that one needs to have a sense of safety in order to cultivate higher levels of need such as relationships, self-esteem and self-actualization. There are two relationships that I observe from my side of the chair that are problematic these days. Interpersonal relationships and one’s relationship with their religious system, in particular, Christian ideals around what a relationship should be. Both can be incredibly toxic.
Cultivating a healthy relationship starts with you. Addressing any past big T and little t traumas, assessing, and stabilizing your mental health, which includes sometimes taking medicine and always talking to someone and then engaging in healthy lifestyle choices such as eating better and exercising regularly.
Reference:
Cherry, K. (2023, December 14). 4 Types of Attachment Styles. Verwellmind. Retrieved February 17, 2024, from https://www.verywellmind.com/attachment-styles-2795344
Fuertes J N, R. Grindell S, Kestenbaum M, Gorman B. Sex, Parent Attachment, Emotional Adjustment, and Risk-Taking Behaviors, Int J High Risk Behav Addict. 2017; 6(2):e36301. doi: 10.5812/ijhrba.36301.
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