Introduction
In this post for this week, I want to address the modern attack on empathy. Here, I want to explore how we can balance toughness and tenderness in a changing society. We are at a crossroads in America where being a nice guy and a good husband is coopted by toxic Christian values that strips away the rights and freedoms of everyone in his family who is not male. After years working in therapy and therapists across the nation helping young men get in touch with their emotions to be better partners, fathers and friends, we are slowing getting back to the notion that men do not cry. This is not only bullshit, but also unrealistic if you understand the psychology and physiology of crying. True strength is not the absence of emotion but the wise governance of it; empathy and Stoic virtues are not mutually exclusive but deeply intertwined.
The Modern Attack on Empathy
Currently, there is an attack on empathy brought on by a form of Christianity that does not reflect the religion of Jesus. Seen primarily in conservative circles, adherents to this ideology argue that empathy can cloud moral judgment and lead to moral compromise. This perspective often redefines empathy as a negative trait, suggesting it distracts from objective truth and can justify sinful behavior, which contradicts traditional Christian teachings on compassion and connection.
We need empathy, “Empathy is the basis of caring. And if you don’t care about another’s fate, there is little reason to take action on his or her behalf.” From a clinical psychology perspective, it is possible to be too empathic, but when we see this as clinicians, we are not talking about being nice to others, we are talking about clinical presentations of codependency and boundary violations.
When toughness becomes synonymous with coldness, the capacity to listen, to care, and to act in solidarity with others is mistaken for gullibility or softness. As a result, we see widening divides and shrinking trust among communities, a social climate where suspicion outweighs compassion. The true challenge is not to abandon resilience, but to reclaim it as a quality that grows richer in tandem with vulnerability—a resilience that is not threatened by empathy, but strengthened by it, shaping individuals who are both discerning and deeply humane. Jesus was an empathic first century Jew who tried to be a bridge builder, he not only saw the woman at the well, but he also heard all the criticisms, and he leaned into her compassionately.
Stoic Virtues: A Misunderstood Philosophy
Stoicism is founded upon the four cardinal virtues: Wisdom, Courage, Justice, and Temperance. Contrary to the common misunderstanding that Stoics seek to suppress emotion, the philosophy actually encourages individuals to develop self-mastery over their emotional responses rather than eliminate them. Furthermore, within the Stoic framework, empathy is regarded as an important quality that supports the pursuit of justice and wisdom.
Looking a bit deeper at the misconception, the goal of a Stoic is to develop healthy and positive emotions, not suppress all emotions. Stoicism was and still is, embraced by people from many different walks of life. Stoicism focuses on the social responsibility of loving one’s neighbor, forming virtuous relationships, and helping others. Finally, there is a focus on a dialectic around the emotion state one is feeling and assessing it for its rationality and its intensity. Stoicism is not passive; it is an active awareness of one’s emotional states.
Is Empathy Bad? Re-examining the Critique
Is empathy bad? It can be. We spend a lot of time in counselor school talking about self-care, compassion fatigue, fancy ideas like countertransference Too much empathy can lead to emotional burnout, irrationality, and tribalism in a national level.
The counterargument posits that empathy may trigger involuntary emotional reactions, whereas compassion entails a more intentional and informed concern for others’ welfare. This distinction indicates that compassion could serve as a more effective and rational framework for moral decision-making compared to relying solely on empathy. Nevertheless, empathy remains essential, and it is important to establish appropriate boundaries to ensure a balanced approach.
From a Christian perspective that emphasizes the teachings of Jesus rather than interpretations centered on institutional or doctrinal traditions, empathy functions as a catalyst for action while complementing, rather than supplanting, reason.
Bridging the Divide: Integrating Stoicism and Empathy Today
So how do we claw our way back? Are we doomed to go back to the attitude that boys don’t cry? Do we relegate Stoicism to the shelf and use it as a model to be tough, emotionless? Hardly. In the last 20 years, the West has experienced a resurgence in interest in Stoic philosophy. Influencers and podcasters Timothy Ferris and Ryan Holiday are contemporaries in the modern study of this philosophy that have driven the popularity of this philosophy.
Stoicism can be simplified to these elements:
Three elements:
- Logic: a way to determine if your perceptions of the world are correct;
- Physics (meaning natural science): a structure to understand the natural world as both active (figured out by reason) and passive (existing and immutable substance); and
- Ethics: the study of how to live one’s life.
Stoic Principles:
- Nature: Nature is rational.
- Law of Reason: The universe is governed by the law of reason. Humans can’t actually escape its inexorable force, but they can, uniquely, follow the law deliberately.
- Virtue: A life led according to rational nature is virtuous.
- Wisdom: Wisdom is the root virtue. From it spring the cardinal virtues: insight, bravery, self-control, and justice.
- Apathea: Since passion is irrational, life should be waged as a battle against it. Intense feeling should be avoided.
- Pleasure: Pleasure is neither good nor bad. It is only acceptable if it doesn’t interfere with the quest for virtue.
- Evil: Poverty, illness, and death are not evil.
- Duty: Virtue should be sought, not for the sake of pleasure, but for duty.
By drawing upon both ancient philosophy and modern clinical wisdom, we discover that the path forward is neither stoic detachment nor unchecked emotionality, but a dynamic interplay between discernment and genuine care. It is through small acts—choosing to listen before responding, setting boundaries without shutting people out, and cultivating the courage to stand in solidarity with those who suffer—that we build a society where resilience does not come at the expense of kindness. Each moment of moral clarity, each instance of empathetic action, becomes a testament to the possibility of living out our highest ideals, meeting others where they are while preserving our own integrity. Thus, compassion and strength are not opposing forces but partners in the ongoing project of human flourishing, guiding us to recognize the presence of Christ in all whom we meet.
Conclusion
True virtue lies in integrating strength and compassion. Both Jesus and the Stoics demonstrate this for us. We are called to embrace empathy courageously. Jesus and those who go after him have demonstrated this for millennia. We are called to empathy as a sign of the Holy Spirit’s movement in our life, we are to lean into it, not retreat from it. The future of compassion in America relies on our willingness to question inherited scripts, to repair what’s been distorted by fear or dogma, and to model for one another a more courageous, generous way of living—one that insists, even in the face of cynicism, that empathy and fortitude are not only compatible but essential to the flourishing of individuals and communities alike.
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