Of Masculinity and Me

Of Masculinity and Me May 30, 2014

I don’t know how to drive. I generally don’t like cars, and I derive no pleasure of looking at their picture or collecting information about them. I don’t enjoy football, or most sports. I’m not into physical activities. I’m not into physical fights, although I can be the meanest bastard in verbal ones. I’m a bookworm. I do enjoy porn, but I don’t like talking about it with people, I rather keep it secret. I don’t care about my penis size, and I still don’t know if it’s average or small. I speak in a manner which sounds a bit girly (I speak very slowly because at the most quiet times I’m thinking about 5 or 6 things at the same time). All this might sound like inconsequential bullshit, but these were the traits that defined me for my classmates from elementary to high school, and it was the main point of contention, and it made me feel like an outcast.

I’m also not interested in making vulgar comments about women and to partake in sexual harassment, and that has brought me also a degree of being outcast, up to this day.

I never cared. By nature I was a child who never respected authority, was rebellious in nature, and had no problem with being an outcast. I have never felt this feeling of a “community”, and I have no fucking idea what people are talking about when they talk about it, and never had. I never felt the need to be accepted, so I did fine. This had serious effects – good ones and bad ones.

But the problem was, I was bullied. Or ridiculed. My classmates were aware that I’m different, and didn’t tolerate it. (Although the situation was much better in high school, worst in guidance school). I didn’t appreciate being bullied and ridiculed, and I retaliated, and this retaliation got me into trouble from time to time. I was more abusive than all of them in verbal arguments, and I knew their sensitive points and weak points, and this caused them to beat me or to break into tears, and then I would have to answer to the principal.

As you can see, I wasn’t blameless. But I insisted that I never acted unprovoked, and the fact that most bullies decided to stop abusing me encouraged me in a wrong way. Many wise people tried to show me the right way of dealing with bullies, but as a child I only listened to myself (as I’ve said, good things and bad things).

My teachers thought this was a problem too. They frequently told my parents that I’m “different”, and that needs to change.

And all of this was about masculinity. It was never a question. I was frequently called “girl”, “girly”, “gay”, however the majority of insults were “trans”.

Remember, I wasn’t radically opposed or different from masculine stereotype. I loved video games (well, our tastes were different, but whatever). I wasn’t a minority. I wasn’t even consciously a feminist (that came later), [although I was never an anti-feminist either]. But I wasn’t masculine enough. I was firmly a member of the privileged majority, yet I wasn’t majority enough. And that was enough to ostracize me.

And then I went ahead and became atheist and completed the picture.

Of course, by no means I mean to equate my experience with actual minorities, women and LBGTQ people. Point is, look at what a oppressive thing masculinity is, it doesn’t even spare heterosexual men.

So, when Miri writes this:

The type of masculinity that young boys are taught is not compatible with mental health and with ethical behavior. Full stop. We’re fortunate that so relatively few will take it to the lengths that Rodger did, but I don’t know a single man who doesn’t suffer as a direct consequence of it. I know few who have never made others suffer as a direct consequence of it. We need to inoculate boys against this harmful and maladaptive thinking rather than teach it to them.

I completely agree, and feel it’s the story of my life.

I could be a perfectly happy child, I could be a friendly chap who wants to get along with everyone, which is how I was at university and among like-minded friends. My childhood was traumatic and painful, defined by abuse and isolation, and I grew up to be someone unwilling to socialize with anyone, cynical about relationships and others, and it was a tough endeavor to learn to make friends and realize some people do appreciate me. And what ruined it was masculinity.

So, in conclusion: fuck masculinity.

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