“Are you pregnant?” No doubt, this is the question every 18-year-old newly engaged woman wants to hear! A young, excited bride-to-be with a sound plan and a strong head on her shoulders said yes to the marriage proposal of her longtime boyfriend, a 19-year-old with a particular disinterest in a status quo life and training for a career as a first responder. The two had grown up in their church’s kids ministry and youth group, had great mentors, wisdom beyond their years, and big dreams that were lofty enough to motivate yet grounded enough for plausibility. As my own marriage began at the relatively young age of 21, I must certainly confess my bias toward the couple, who requested my time for premarital counseling and to perform their wedding ceremony. While we were one of several encouraging responders to their news, however, I was heartbroken and somewhat angry after hearing of the outright condescension of others.
We are marrying later and less
Though debates rage concerning the effects of societal evolution on the family, both positive and negative, it’s difficult to ignore the data. Census data indicates that just 70 years ago, the average age of first marriage for men was 22.8 years and 20.3 years for women, in contrast with 30.4 and 28.6, respectively, by 2020. From the pressure to establish careers, to the increasing cost of living, to saving for a wedding, to fear, or certainly societal pressure, we are not only marrying later but less than ever. It is true that marriage will show you the depths of your own selfishness, a natural consequence of two lives colliding into each other with preferences, backstories, cultures, families of origin, and beliefs. However, among the many rewards of marrying young is that it both invited and forced us to embrace an entity and identity greater than just our individual selves at a time before our preferences, habits, and opinions had solidified. We are grateful for each other’s influence and seasoning in those formidable years, as we were becoming more solidified adults. While some are adamant that their twenties are a time to discover themselves as a rite of passage prior to marriage, others have married early, only to discover that taking that journey of discovery as a pair has its own inherent beauty and benefits. Biblically speaking, we have no clear prescription or opinion on the matter other than that marriage often serves as a dividing line between childhood and adulthood throughout the Biblical narrative, a means to maturity rather than a resulting benefit.
Marriage struggles aren’t so much about age
In my years of coaching married couples, I have observed that one of the biggest reasons struggling couples end up in my care is due to an inability to appreciate each other’s distinct strengths and differences. While most couples demonstrate some semblance of this ability early in their relationship, when the dopamine high of infatuation wears off, love is no longer blind to the largely unchanged person standing before them. As that revelation unfolds, the response is usually celebration or criticism. Either one spouse begins to indict the other for not thinking or behaving like their carbon copy or gratefully acknowledges these differences as strengths. While this acknowledgment is an attitude any couple can develop and nurture, young marriages have a greater potential to cultivate a strong aptitude toward this, if for no other reason than fewer adult years of independence. The earlier start at self-denial and trust-building that young marriage presents can be advantageous in a world that prides itself on independence, personal preference, and customization. The less time a person has to become set in their ways, the greater their potential to embrace partnership and teamwork in a lifelong relationship.
Where We Must Improve
Not everyone will meet a suitable life partner at an early age. However, the response to those that do should include encouragement and a willingness to mentor the development of loving, gracious, and collaborative partnerships as they start their families in these formative and potentially wonderful years. Perhaps we would do better to give what our teenage couple confessed they would have liked to have heard in response to their own choice to start their marriage journey young: “We just wish people would have reacted the way we would have reacted to them.”
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