My heart is steadfast, O God; I will sing and make music with all my soul.
We must not forget His benefits while dealing with our problems. Even before His answer is in sight, thank Him – for being there, for listening, for working all things according to His will.
In my book, Empty Nest, What’s Nest? Parenting Adult Children Without Losing Your Mind, I write about the tension between allowing our adult children to make mistakes without us parents being derailed every time we hear about a misstep. Case in point. Is it possible for moms and dads to step back a few paces and continue on living full lives even when their adult children are going through tough time. The answer is yes.
“We need to do something fun.” Says the father. Pause. Wait for it. Here it comes. The mother’s reply, “But what about….” Insert the description of your child’s most current problem. It would be funny…if it weren’t true.
It’s too true isn’t it? We moms live with our hearts and minds always hovering over the general vicinity of our kid’s present zip code. When one child is hurting, most moms can’t think about much else until their child gets through the worst of it. They worry. They think (and over think). Then they ruminate the problem verbally with their spouse (or a trusted friend) until even the father (or the friend) finally says, “Enough already.”
Trusting God with our kids’ problems
Truth be told, I’ve been told many times over the years that I seem to be regressing (stress-wise) the older our children grow. Admittedly, I try to defend myself. But my husband is right. Once again it’s the old truism of “little kids = little problems: big kids = big problems”. We moms feel the brunt of this every single day and in the process we forfeit joy (and joyful, fun-loving times) God has placed in our path.
Parents understand their circle of responsibility
We’re wrong when we put the brakes on our own lives to instead fret over our children’s problems. I remind myself that while I might get the two confused at times, every person has two circles in their lives. One is the circle of responsibility…it’s generally small and includes a spouse, children, and other family members. The second circle is the circle of care…it’s much larger and usually includes (but is not limited to) those found in the circle of responsibility…but with a big difference. We can care about a lot of people and issues and do our best to alleviate these problems…but we are not responsible to do so. We’re to care…not carry.
Parents of adult children learn to step back
The difference is significant as our children grow up because they slowly move into the outer circle of care rather than staying inside the circle of responsibility. As they grow up and grow out of our responsibility circle…we continue to care for them…but we are no longer responsible for fixing every one of their problems. Again, how we express our parental love begins to change.
Since life is always lived with dual pain and pleasure, there will never be a single day when everything is right in the world at large (or in our children’s lives). So when do parents of adult children decide they can take a break from their children’s problems and go have fun?
God is faithful no matter how old our kids grow
Excellent question. For most parents, the answer is today. Even though our children may be mired in some tough situations, we have to place them in God’s faithful hands to care for and protect. As we strengthen our trust in God to do so, we can be free to hand over the reigns of responsibility in favor of lovingly caring from the sidelines and have a little fun ourselves. Yes, it is possible to do a little happy dance even before the problem is solved. In fact, a bit of spontaneous fun may even spark some solutions to the problems at hand. Who knew having fun could have a dual purpose?
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