Let Go Of Those Who Offend You

There is an unequivocal guarantee in life. It is not a question if someone will offend us, but who and the severity of the offense when it occurs. An attack strikes at the fragile nature of our personhood. Some offenses are more damning than others. When someone murders a loved one, or someone has sexually molested us there is a debt owed that can never be repaid through human endeavor. Despite the evil and depravity of the assault, there is an underlying need to forgive them or be traumatized by their actions.  The unwillingness to turn loose and release those who have offended us destroys us from the inside out. The seething bitterness on the inside consumes us.   Dr. Neil Anderson says, “Bitterness is like swallowing poison and hoping the other person will die.” Forgiveness is a matter of the will releasing the offender. It is a decision, not to take revenge and not to live in a state of agony. The need for justice keeps us in bondage. It is releasing the offender, so their actions no longer rob us of life.  Jesus models this forgiveness on the cross, “ Father, forgive them for they do not know what they are doing.”(Lk. 23:34) Jesus did not let the evil actions of others destroy him, but let the love of God subdue the evil. In letting go of those who have offended us, we are released to live in the peace of God.

In my life as a pastor, there are ample opportunities to learn the lesson of forgiveness. My wife of 38 years advises me, “You are the most self-confident person I have ever known.” Notice she didn’t say the most prideful because she loves me. Self-confident and prideful people invariably need to forgive and be forgiven.

Dr. Robert G.Tuttle Jr., a respected professor of mine, gave a definition of sin as anything that separates us from God or separates us from our fellow man. The hope of Christianity is to have the grace to forgive others.  A daily prescription in the Lord’s prayer is “ Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us”.

We all need to practice forgiveness because we are all guilty. When there is animosity dividing people, there are always two sides to the story. We must take ownership of our problems, our misperceptions and miscommunications in our relationships.

Travis Collins writes in his book, For Ministers About to Start …. or About to Give Up, the research is both alarming and consistent.

• 28 percent of ministers report being “forcefully terminated.”
  • 33 percent say being in ministry is “an outright hazard” to their families.
  • 75 percent experience “severe stress is causing anguish, worry, bewilderment, anger, depression, fear and alienation” during their careers.
  • Ministers join doctors and attorneys among those with the highest rates of addiction and suicide.

The gut wrenching details are not necessary, but there was a falling out with the leadership of the church where I was the senior pastor. There were painful words that were spoken, character accusations made and relationships lost. There were incidents that ripped the fabric of trusting friendships. The lengthier the relationships, as in divorce, the more bitter and painful the emotional breakup is in life.  After several months of innuendo and accusations, I made a step to ask forgiveness from each one of the primary leaders who I knew were offended. Even though I had spoken my apology in a group setting, I knew I needed to do it privately. I got a towel and wash basin and hid them away in the bathroom of my study. Over a period of a couple weeks, I brought the water and toweI out into the room and washed a half dozen of the leaders’ feet at various times as an act of humility. In (Jn. 13:1)^[1], Jesus unveiled to the disciples the extent of his love when he humbled himself and washed the disciple’s feet.

I would invite them to my study and apologize for the wrong I had done to them. There were a few who heard about it and questioned was I sincere in my actions. Did I really apologize? In an act of forgiveness, motives will always be questioned.

On my side of the conflict, our church consultant who was overseeing the entire process of initiating forgiveness and reconciliation told me, “You don’t need to do that! There is no reason for you to do it.” I said; I didn’t do it for them, I did it for me.  He was worried; I was doing it out of weakness or as if I was a doormat begging to keep my job. I told him, I did it so I would be able to sleep at night. I wanted a clear conscious that I had done everything to own my wrongs and that I had asked forgiveness for what I had done.  It was their responsibility to accept it or reject it, not mine. Forgiveness is for our well-being. There was a parting of ways. However over the years many relationships were reconciled.  Some even returned to the church.   I sleep peacefully at night for I am at peace with myself and with them. The hope of Christianity is to have the grace to forgive others for Christ pours grace on those willing to forgive.

[1] It was just before the Passover Feast. Jesus knew that the time had come for him to leave this world and go to the Father. Having loved his own who were in the world, he now showed them the full extent of his love.”