Why I Don’t Hit Men: A Satirical Answer to C.R. Wiley

Why I Don’t Hit Men: A Satirical Answer to C.R. Wiley January 24, 2017

Sometimes a post like C.R. Wiley’s Why I Don’t Hit Girls makes your jaw drop. When the next one makes it fall off, the only response is to satirize them within an inch of their lives….

Evangelical satire: Every time a woman usurps the power invested in men by the Lord above it saps his glory seed. (A satire of C.R. Wiley's post, Why I Don't Hit Girls.)
Image credit: By Taber Andrew Bain.

Why I Don’t Hit Men

by Mrs. Jeanie N. DeSky

Frankly, I just can’t understand why hundreds of thousands of women across the country left their menfolk behind to protest the inauguration of such a godly man as Donald Trump. And who was watching their babies, I ask you?

Oh, I forgot. Those women just want to keep murdering their babies right and left.

I mean, honestly, they should be ashamed of themselves, marching around in those pink hats with that unspeakable name like the godless hussies they are.

What’s so wrong about being a cat lover, anyways?

The Heavenly Father spoke through Vladimir Putin to keep that nasty woman from holding the highest office in the land. A woman’s place is in the home, not the White House.

As the Almighty commanded,

Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.

I thank the Lord above that I have the privilege to serve Him as a wife and mother to my five children. And that’s enough for me. As a female with the curse of Eve upon me, the bible commands me to submit to my husband in all things, even when he multiplies my sorrows to the breaking point.

Does Ronnie not have one more rib than I?

For the man is not of the woman: but the woman of the man. Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man.

It boils my blood when women complain about the master of the house. Why, just yesterday, Christy told me, “I get so furious with Bob sometimes I swear I could punch him!”

I gave her the what-for.

You should be ashamed of yourself for even thinking such a thing. That’s devil’s talk! Do you want to damage Bob’s manhood? Without that he wouldn’t be able to fulfill his godly mission to go forth and multiply. And then what would he be?

I wouldn’t hit him there, she protested, as her face turned devil-red.

You might miss. Is it really worth the risk? What is a man’s worth if he can’t be the father of your children? It’s his God-given role in the family.

Christy looked up to Heaven. Oh Lord, I didn’t mean it, I swear to God. Oh God! I didn’t mean to… She buried her head in her hands and sobbed.

Every sperm is sacred, I said, as I wrapped her in my arms.

After Christy had collected herself, I continued. And besides, you don’t have to physically damage Bob’s manly parts to wound his manhood. Every time a woman usurps the power invested in men by the Holy Father, it saps his glory seed. Do you think it’s a coincidence that sperm counts began lowering at the same time women started entering the workplace?*

You don’t say?

It’s true. Every time you question your husband’s decisions you make it less likely that God will bless you with babies of your own.

I didn’t know… Christy’s eyes moistened again. You mean, whenever I don’t stay in my place, Bob is less of a man? And I, I…

I put my hand on hers. It’s okay. It’s not too late. You see, it’s all in God’s plan. The Lord above gave men fragile egos to give us women a chance to use our free will submit to their authority willingly.

Amen, Christy agreed with a nod.

That’s why President Trump’s spokesman had to fluff up his ego by fibbing about how many people attended his inauguration. How could The Donald govern this great land knowing that his was bigger than mine? Everyone knows that.

Uh huh. I know how mad Bob gets when I even make a pinching gesture.

Exactly. Besides Trump guaranteed that he had no problem when it comes to that.

Bob said that the real problem with those sissy liberals is that they can’t take real men like him and Donald Trump. Their testosterone levels are too low. That’s why liberals are always crying about the underprivileged.

Sad, we said in unison. And we both bowed our heads in prayer for the unmanly.

God bless and guide our new president. And may Donald Trump be a role model throughout this blessed land.

*Yes, I know C.R. Wiley didn’t make any points about wifely submission, at least in this post. But such demands are common among evangelicals, as witnessed by the featured image of a Baptist Church sign.

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