SOTU Satire: The State of the Union is…Stupefied

SOTU Satire: The State of the Union is…Stupefied January 30, 2018

President Trump’s first State of the Union (SOTU) Speech is the latest stop on his World Approval Tour, fresh from his surprisingly successful Teleprompter reading at Davos, Switzerland.

Trump was only greeted by boos once.

The SOTU speech of Stephen Miller's dreams, plus a peek at the id of President Trump during his Davos speech. Where satire meets sorrow.
Trump warming up for the SOTU at Davos, via screenshot.

No Doctor Who fan can hear the name Davos without looking around anxiously for Daleks. Fortunately for Trump, the only death rays aimed at him during this annual conference of global elites issued from Angela Merkel’s eyes.

Via Wer-Al Zwowe, public domain.
Davros and his Daleks, via Wer-Al Zwowe, public domain.

There’s an outside chance that you don’t want to watch or read the text written for Trump to play the part of Leader of the Free World at Davos. I will therefore give you an interpretation of what was likely going through his mind as he read the words. (I will be paraphrasing the thinking — if you can call it that — behind the incoherent word salad Trump speaks in when not reading the words of others.)

It’s a “privilege” to be here at this international forum of people who scorned me for many, many years. You’ve mocked me, discounted my greatness. You laughed at me, thought I was a joke.

Who’s laughing now?

Are you sorry you treated me like that now that I’m the most powerful man in the world? Strike that. I was always the most powerful man. Ever. But now it’s official.

You have no choice but to invite me to the party now. You have to applaud. You have to treat me as an equal. More than an equal. I’m more powerful than all of you.

Now it’s my turn to dish out the slights.

But I didn’t come here just to toot my own horn. I have porn stars to do that. 

Were you aware that America is now open for business? That’s right, President Obama may have closed up shop and posted a Beware of the Leopard sign, but now the United States is once again willing to conduct business.

And to prove my point, I’m handing out beautiful free candy to anyone who already owns a candy warehouse.

Eat up.

And don’t worry about the calories. Kevin McCarthy assures me that Starburst fruit chews will make you lose weight.

We learned on Tuesday that Teleprompter Trump can stick with the “look at me, I’m so presidential” script for a whole hour without it being the first State of the Union the network censors bleep.

But remember, the person writing the president’s SOTU speech was immigration hard, hardliner Stephen Miller. Perhaps I should imagine what the pitbull White House advisor wishes he could’ve written.

The SOTU speech of Stephen Miller's dreams, plus a peek at the id of President Trump during his Davos speech. Where satire meets sorrow.
Via Gage Skidmore, CC BY-SA 2.0.

The state of the union is weak. But we can make it stronger by barring immigrants from non-white countries. (Yes, nativists wanted to bar people like my Jewish ancestors from America. Yet some Jews have become assimilated enough into American society to adopt their exclusionary, anti-immigrant rhetoric without irony.

I say it’s about time we remove Emma Lazarus’s poem from the Statue of Liberty. After all, “The New Colossus” was added later and has no call to be on a statue symbolizing our freedom. Lazarus was the child of Jewish immigrants fleeing pogroms like my grandparents. She had not yet integrated enough into American culture to have absorbed its racist undercurrents.

I have a few ideas for what should replace her outdated welcome to the wretched refuse….

President Trump wants to build a wall between the U.S. and Mexico. I would go further. Let’s build a wall around the coasts, separating the Blue States from The Real America™.

It’s about time that the heartland of America was more than just a phrase. Where in the Constitution is it written that the President has to represent the interests of all fifty states?

Ask not what your country can do for you but what you can do for your party.

And may God bless the United Red States of America.

The SOTU speech of Stephen Miller's dreams, plus a peek at the id of President Trump during his Davos speech. Where satire meets sorrow.
Shh, don’t call the speech to the joint session of Congress the SOTU address. Via Shealah Craighead, the White House, public domain.

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