Narrative and Nuance
Calls and emails come into The Identify Network regularly, each of them with a story on the other end. All too often individual stories have a similar plot line, which involves an inability to be open and honest about some of their deepest sexual and gender struggles. The stories are from Parents with nobody to talk to, the same-sex attracted scared to share, Pastors (yes pastors!) living with same-sex attraction that fear the loss of ministry and the list goes on and on.
How did we end up here? How did Christ’s body allow for the narrative surrounding here to be characterized by shame and judgment?
I do not pretend to have all of the answers to these questions, but if you are paying attention, similar patterns begin to show up. One of the patterns we see is directly involved with issues of sexuality, and the other is a systemic problem in our churches that covers a multitude of sins.
We have stigmatized and elevated sexual sin in our churches, and the results are devastating. There are layers to the stigmatizing I mention here. They include a misunderstanding of sexuality (especially same-sex attraction), a faulty view of sin and temptation, and a basic fear of what we do not know or experience ourselves. All of these layers feed the defamation of our fellow brothers and sisters who struggle and they allow for a greater problem to develop….silence! Fear and misunderstanding drive a culture of silence surrounding some deep struggles believers face, and this is nowhere more prevalent than in the arena of sexuality and gender identity.
I spoke with a pastor recently, who lives with same-sex attraction and is happily married. The pastor and his wife live with a private shame that does not arise from within but is cast upon them by the reality that honesty and vulnerability before their church and community would lead to marginalization and unemployment. He cannot talk! She cannot talk! His ministry suffers, as a result, and the church develops a culture of silence that allows for fear of condemnation to override confession and gospel vulnerability.
I taught in Christian schools for over a decade. Colleagues, who knew me and my story, loved me well. I lived with the inability to speak about my life-long reality of same-sex attraction. Now, part of this makes sense, due to boundaries. But as other teachers (Bible teachers like myself) could use aspects of their story to relate to students and counsel with them, I simply could not, even on the most benign level. In fact, early in my teaching ministry, one administrator told me, “Dan, I believe Christ has forgiven you, but you are never to talk about this. You and I both know, if you do, your ministry here would be over.” Was he right? Unfortunately, (and this is no credit to his lack of courage or opportunity to lead out) the answer is yes. I would become a distraction, and many who loved me and my role in their student’s life would want me out and away from their child. As I have stepped away from teaching to pursue Identify and speaking I have seen this truth play out too many times this past year (not most but far too many). Now, it may seem like I am feeling sorry for myself. This is not the case, but rather, I use my story to help point out the reality I speak of here. Silence is easier, but silence is deadly!
I shared a meal with parents, broken that their son had come out to them at the age of 17. As we talked about the need to see him and not just his sexuality, there was a deepening understanding and a genuine love for their boy. I encouraged them to draw near to their small group and talk. “No, we can’t,” was the response. They lived with the fear of rejection, the pain of friends who would push away, and confessed their church (a large church, with a plethora of resources) had not offered much help and ushered them off to outside counseling.
I could tell dozens of stories like this, but I hope you get the point. The Identify Network exists, in part, to change this reality in our churches. We must change this for the long term health of our people. We must change the lives of teenagers, who chose suicide, because loneliness and condemnation. We must change for the parents who have nobody to talk to and therefore miss opportunities to love their sons and daughters with the Gospel and a supportive community.
Sin grows in the darkness, hope needs light, redemption is light, and the Gospel of Jesus Christ has overcome the darkness with the hope giving light of redemption.
We cannot change these stories, but we can change future stories, and in doing so, the Kingdom we are pushing for will become more of reality. So, with that in mind, here are some thoughts on moving forward.
Christianity has always been a confessional faith. Somehow we have come to expect stigmatization or marginalization with confession, and therefore, we do not speak.
Our churches must become places where it is ok not to be ok! We need churches that honor the confession of sin and struggle early and often, without a fear of judgment. One of the best ways to accomplish an environment of confession and vulnerability is to expect it and desire it from our elders and pastors. We must look to our spiritual leadership to lead out in demonstrating a pattern of confession, repentance, and restoration. We must cultivate churches that put a high value on the gentle bearing one another’s burden and so fulfill the law of Christ (Galatians 6:1-3).
We should honor churches that walk with fellow image bearers, in the spirit of Christ, t out the beauty of Jesus and the woman caught in adultery. “Jesus stood up and said to her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?” She said, “No one, Lord.” And Jesus said, “Neither do I condemn you; go, and from now on sin no more” (John 8).
Finally, our people must know they are loved no matter what! When love is unconditional, then we have truly understood the call of Ephesians 4:15, to speak the truth in love. Recently, a pastor friend helped me see that to speak the truth in love is not the same as speaking truth with love. We can say we are speaking a loving truth, delivered with condemnation and a lack of understanding. But, unless we come in love for the person, when that truth is resisted (and it most often will be) our lack of true love for the person will be exposed, and we will push away from the relationship. When we push back we tell a lie about who Jesus is and we fail to be compelling gospel ambassadors (II Corinthians 5:20)
If we can, seize upon the suggestions offered here and work towards seeing them become a reality, we can finally be honest with one another a range of struggles, not just sexuality and gender. Then we will portray the Jesus of the Bible, and demonstrate the biblical gospel. How can we settle for anything less?
If we can help your church, by offering resources or training, please visit our equipping page at identifynetwork.org . You can also connect with us at info@identifynetwork.org
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