My Story Part Two:The Tension of Identity

As promised here is the continuation of my story (part one can be found here). We decided to offer it in the hopes that a narrative of change would get some definition and that we would have the opportunity to shed light on a forgotten reality in our discussion over same-sex attraction and marriage.

I am reluctant to draw this attention to myself or our marriage but, again, we are in a cultural moment, now more than ever. This moment, in the church and in our culture is in need of a better conversation about identity and we believe there is a true and lasting one in Christ. Marriage is the earthly picture of a deeply spiritual and Gospel reality.

This story is about choosing that identity, the struggle to rest in it, and the lasting joy that those choices can bring.

Here is Part two of The Tension of Identity…

…My mom answered the phone and I think she was not prepared to hear that her prayers had been answered! Christ had given me a new identity, one that was always mine, but I had to come to that belief.  Silence…and then tear followed. Those words in many ways were the end of a very long journey for my parents. They were faithful to love me, pray for me and gently challenge me. I wish many LGBT youth and individuals had the family support and love that I had. In many ways, it prepared me to receive the truth.

My parents didn’t give me eloquent speeches or deep theology, but they knew they loved their son and that God was big enough to follow me however far I went from home.  It was hard for them and their emotions were raw.

I will never forget my Dad hugging me with tears rolling down his face, as I walked out the door to move to Los Angeles. Emotion was always easy for him but not tears, somehow this moment cut deeper.

While in LA I received care packages regularly from my mom, with notes tucked in the bottom and scriptures of God’s love written out. I may not have cared about what those verses said at the time, but knowing they loved me despite my running away from them showed me a small glimpse of the compassion and love God lavishes upon his children.

When I decided to return home from LA there were no lectures or awkwardness, just happiness to see their son come home! Even in their disagreement there was never any doubt that they were for me!

After accepting Christ, the energy and hope I had was contagious and the level of freedom that I now knew was something I had not experienced before. For the first time in a long time, there was tangible hope.  In my mind, the freedom I was experiencing meant that I was freed from this desire I had always had towards my own gender and that Christ would now make all things new.

I believed this included my orientation. I held out hope that my temptations would not return after the honeymoon period of my salvation….but they did!

Because I thought being saved and being changed meant something it did not, I was not prepared for the reality of my temptations to come raging back. I would study theology and scripture interpretation during the week in Bible college, but whenever weariness and weakness came I would run back to the pleasure and comforts of my past.

Here I was at a Seminary, and those who heard my story marveled and praised Jesus that He had changed me, which was the truth…. but not fully in the ways they thought.  How could I admit to them that privately my praise had turned to nightly tears begging God to take this away and promising never to fail again, only for the next day or week to bring fresh failure?

It would be years before I could come to terms with the reality that the Gospel is for the broken. I had bought a subtle lie often propagated within Christianity, The idea that salvation means no more failure or that failure somehow cancels God’s love for you that day, week, or month.

The truth is that we walk as triumphantly broken sons and daughters!

It was during my first year at that school that I met my wife. It was not love at first sight or all of the magical things we say to embellish love stories. We were however drawn to each other… intensely.  For the first time in my life, I had feelings and desires towards a woman that I had never experienced.  And this I knew was a precious gift from God. I’m thankful that from the first time we went out I felt the complete freedom to be honest with her about my past and to some extent about my struggles at the time.

Casey and I dated for four years on and off, mostly off. I had no idea what it meant to be a biblical man much less a husband and she, a pastor’s daughter, had essentially been preparing for “the one” all her life. I often joked that it was beauty meets beast.

My biggest fear was that I could never measure up to the image of what manhood was that I had in my mind. I often let my insecurities become the reason to sabotage the relationship. Each time we came close to conversations towards marriage they would end in an understanding that this was not the right time and maybe we weren’t the right ones for each other. But thankfully God kept drawing us back together in His faithfulness.

He knew that He designed marriage to be so much more than raw sexuality and the feelings of the here and now.

Four years after we met and hundreds of long conversations later, we could see clearly His hand on our lives and knew He was knitting our hearts and souls together. This was going to be a union for life, and forsaking all others we chose each other. As I write this eleven years later, I love that choice more than ever!

Our wedding was incredible. We were surrounded by so many of those who had walked various parts of this journey with us. We knew we were being prayed for and rejoiced over. His grace was clear to us and all there to witness the beginning of our new life together.

Marriage does not fix what is broken by the fall but it does provide a matrix for a husband and wife to be changed into the image of Christ and His Church, and we knew this marriage was a picture of that eternal relationship.  It’s a beautiful portrayal but one that can turn all kinds of ugly very quickly when the understanding of what marriage is becomes skewed.

I, like many a man, had entertained thoughts that marriage would make my struggles and errant sexual desires go away.  I thought that so much in my walk with the Lord would be helped by marriage and that becoming one with another would be much better than living alone with the person I didn’t always like inside of me. It didn’t take long at all to realize the truth that marriage would be something that would expose my sins and my selfishness in much greater capacity than ever before as a single man.

Casey would say the same thing about her heart as the idol of being married would crumble before her eyes as time and time again two sinful hearts who promised to love and respect and honor each other would do anything but that.

I lived in shame that the base attractions annoyingly remained despite my obedience and desire to remain in Christ and honor my wife. I felt at times I was living a lie. It took time for me to understand I was not!

Sexual Identity is not eternal, However, our Identities as  image bearers and sons and daughters in Christ, will remain forever. I came to understand those identities as my defining reality. One of life’s great mysteries is that we do not get to choose what we are tempted by. We do however, get to choose what and who we identify with.

This changed my life and brought new freedom to my walk in Christ. I felt as though I had unlocked a door to a new understanding of the Christian life. Little did I know that this shift in my paradigm would literally shake the foundations of my view of God, grace, and the Christian life.

This was for the good and the result of this seismic shift has been amazing for my marriage and my faith.

Sadly, we have found more suspicion than understanding, within the body of Christ. The truth is that bright spots exist in the church, but the conversation and the posture still have not changed. I find so much misunderstanding in the church toward LGBT individuals and there is a temptation to protect ourselves rather than risk ourselves for the cause of the Gospel and salvation in the lives of our neighbors.

These things must change, the realities of grace and freedom must become normative in our churches! Until grace leads, the church will be irrelevant. However, I believe the church is the hope of the world and that the community and paradigm I came to see has not existed for many in the church.

Part three of this series is our answer to this problem and the leading of God to change the conversation in the church. We desire to be a part of equipping and resourcing the body to love well, walk well and ultimately be the primary place of community and care for those living with same-sex attraction and those impacted by these realities.

Mark your calendar for part three on July 6th as we mark the launch of The Identify Network!