Michele Bachmann’s Ten Commandments of Prosperity

Michele Bachmann’s Ten Commandments of Prosperity December 11, 2014

I’m sure by now you’ve heard of Rep. Michele Bachmann’s (R-Minn.) farewell speech on the House floor in which she claimed that, not only is the biblical Ten Commandments the basis of our laws, but it is the main reason for the material prosperity the American Nation has enjoyed in its relatively brief existence.

We know those laws, those laws are the fundamental laws of mankind, and here in the United States, the Ten Commandments that God gave to Moses is the very foundation of the law that has given happiness and the rise of the greatest prosperity that any nation has known before.

Here is the video:

Unfortunately for Bachmann, the Ten Commandments aren’t the basis of our laws. One need only point to our Constitution—the actual basis for our laws—and note that there is no mention of the Ten Commandments, or any reference to them whatsoever.

But in a way she’s right—there is a way of reading the Ten Commandments that can account for the prosperity of the American nation. I present to you my revised version of Bachmann’s commandments:

  1. You shall have no other gods before me…except Mammon, the basis of our capitalist system.
  2. You shall not have any false idols…except money, fame, and personal achievement in general.
  3. You shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vain…unless you put it on the currency that makes capitalism possible.
  4. Remember the Sabbath…because you can get a lot of work done on Sunday.
  5. Honor thy father and mother...because they put you through college, which is why you can make a lot of money.
  6. Thou shalt not kill…unless you can make money from it by skirting FDA regulations. *cough*Big Tobacco*cough*
  7. Thou shalt not commit adultery…unless it will seal a lucrative business deal.
  8. Thou shalt not steal…come on, do I really need to give a counterfactual for this one?
  9. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor…unless it’s in your best interest.
  10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s house, wife, or propery…see #8 above.


(Image via Flickr)


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