NLQ FAQ: Why Do You Dwell in the Past ~ Why Don't You Just Forgive and Move On?

NLQ FAQ: Why Do You Dwell in the Past ~ Why Don't You Just Forgive and Move On? August 26, 2010

by Vyckie

Q: Why Do You Dwell in the Past ~ Why Don’t You Just Forgive and Move On?

Those of us who are sharing our stories of physical, emotional and spiritual abuse at No Longer Quivering are often accused of being bitter and angry.

I frequently receive emails encouraging me to “move on” ~ one writer told me, “You’re out! Good for you.  You deserve to be happy, so quit dwelling on past abuse and live and enjoy your life fully in the present.”

I understand this ~ and when Laura chose to stop writing her story here at NLQ because she didn’t want to rehash all the painful memories of abuse ~ and she saw that it was having a harmful effect on her kids ~ and she married Richard and wanted to focus on her new life ~ I was very happy for her.  I believe Laura’s example ~ of moving on to a new, happy life ~ is very powerful and inspiring.

Laura’s story brings us hope that the pain and turmoil of leaving an abusive relationship is not forever ~ it is possible to find happiness and not be always controlled and defined by past abuse.

The thing is ~ if we all “move on” then there will be no record ~ no warning.  Which is why I’m still here writing and doing what I can in my own way to make a difference.  It doesn’t mean that those of us telling our stories are bitter or that we are stuck in the past.  In fact, NLQ is all about the future.  We write so that the lives of many women which might otherwise have become hell on earth, will instead be free from legalism, self-abnegation and abuse.

Also ~ No Longer Quivering is still a relatively new website ~ so we’re all still in the process of writing our stories.  It takes time.  For instance, new writer, CherylAnnHannah has only posted two installments ~ so at this point, readers do not know how things have turned out for her.  As you read, keep in mind that those of us who are sharing at NLQ have been out for a while ~ we’ve had some time to process the abuse, to rebuild our lives and to move on.

Those NLQ members who are still in the midst of waking up to the deception of Quiverfull ~ the women who have only just begun to disentangle themselves from the mindset and the lifestyle ~ for the most part, they are only sharing as part of the NLQ community on the forum or in the chat room.  It’s much too painful ~ the wounds are still too fresh ~ to tell their stories publically.  Many are in the process of divorce or child custody disputes ~ they are not in a position to share their experiences on a high-profile site like No Longer Quivering.

This is not to say that all of us writing here at NLQ have our acts together, have experienced total healing and have found our bliss.  It’s a process ~ and each of us has our own timetable.  Sharing is often a part of that process.  Those of us who are writing our stories for NLQ are finding that the discussion which takes place on the forum in response to each installment of our stories can be quite validating and it really helps to process and find healing. I have learned so much from the women here ~ and it has really helped me to understand the dynamic of what we were doing as a family.

I believe that the more of us who are willing to speak up about the abuses of the Quiverfull philosophy and lifestyle, the harder it is becoming for QFers and their teachers to ignore our collective voice.

And for every email I’ve received suggesting that I leave the past behind and just move on, I have dozens thanking me for the No Longer Quivering website and forum.  Recently, I was talking to a volunteer counselor for the Take Heart Project ~ she told me that she was doing a web search for resources to share with her friend who couldn’t admit to herself that her husband is abusive.  She came across NLQ and started reading the stories and was able to use the info. here to help her friend to escape and start a new life of freedom.

That is only one of many, many such examples of women being helped ~ and that’s why No Longer Quivering and the Take Heart Project are here ~ not because we want to wallow in the bitterness of the past ~ not because we are unwilling or unable to move on ~ it is because we’re now living in freedom and we are making peace with our pasts by helping others to avoid or escape the QF/P paths which lead us to heartbreak and sorrow.

Discuss this post on the NLQ forum. Comments are also open below.

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