Debunking the Fourteen Basic Needs of a Marriage: Part 1b – Women? Goals? Who Are YOU Kidding!

Debunking the Fourteen Basic Needs of a Marriage: Part 1b – Women? Goals? Who Are YOU Kidding! March 18, 2012

By Incongruous Circumspection

In Part 1a, we witnessed Bill Gothard call a woman who does not obey her husband in everything, never questioning any decision he makes, a “fool”. He based this epithet on a woman while referencing Ephesians 5:22 – 24. Of course, I uncovered the fact that Bill was flat out lying. That passage says nothing of the sort.

Let’s continue discussing Gothard’s first Basic Need of a Husband ([A man needs a wife that is loyal and supportive]).

Gothard continues to expound on the above basic need by stating the following:

[Realize that your husband’s perspective is different than yours.]

Wow. Bill is really smart. Put two or more people together and you have differences. But let’s not give him any credit. That’s not what he means. Patriarchy (the religious philosophy that Bill Gothard bases all his materials on) and the Authority Doctrine (P/AD) requires distinct differences in men and women in order to prove that women need a man to rule them.

[A man’s goals often involve long-range achievement. Therefore, a man is willing to sacrifice short-term convenience in order to meet an important long-term goal. However, a wife’s perspective usually centers on short-term goals associated with her responsibilities in the family and home. During times of pressure, a wife should keep the “big picture” in mind. Accept difficult situations from God without giving Him a deadline to remove them]

While reading the above, did anyone think about sex? I would posit that most men have short term goals in mind when it comes to rolling around between the sheets. Well, of course, he probably wants to last a while, but that can still hardly be called “long term”. But Bill protects himself from this argument because he cleverly uses the words “often” and “usually” when referring to a man’s “goals” and a woman’s “perspective”.

Ah, but catch that little English trick. A man has goals. A woman doesn’t. She simply has perspective. Perspective is worthless. It doesn’t move a family forward with a clear vision like having goals does. Even worse, a woman’s perspective is completely foolish in the scheme of things because it is only focused on cooking, changing diapers, spanking bare bottoms, studying the IBLP “Men’s Manuals” to understand how men think, reading “To Train Up a Child” to become an expert mule skinner, and darning the holes in her husband’s tighty whities. In short, Bill tells the woman to leave the rest to the husband. If she disagrees, being that she is clueless, she must throw up her hands and leave it to her…God. He’ll take care of it.

[Encourage your husband not to give up on God-given goals. Urge him to verbalize his dreams and hopes, and give him your wholehearted support. Ask him how you can help him reach his goals. If your husband fails to set goals or give direction to you and your family, pray for him and trust God to work in his life.]

Obviously, all goals a husband has are God-given. There is no differentiation here. But Bill seems to be keenly aware that there are lazy or emasculated men within the ranks. Thus, a woman needs to require (Gothard freshens up the requirement by using “urge him to verbalize”) a husband to tell him what his goals are.

How tiring! I am a man. I’m a husband. I’m a father of six bouncy children. I have a vision. So does my wife. We talk. She talks. I talk all night while she snores beside me. When it comes to direction for our family, I refuse to accept all the responsibility. It is a twelve person job and there are only two of us. I need her help and she needs mine. Frankly, the responsibility that this idea heaps on the head of the man is very much the reason why men in this movement become control freaks and the women become manipulative witches.

I am not going to hold back. I have lived this. One person should not be given the responsibility of a full household and then be allowed to wield unquestioned power over everyone under him. A woman should never be relegated to a subservient baby factory with no voice in her marriage except to nag on her husband to get off his lazy arse and be a man – planning every little detail of their lives, down to the fifteenth child’s toe jam removal. When this sick and twisted lifestyle is put into play, the smiling and joyful faces you see on the outside don’t do justice to the evil that is going on behind closed doors.

What does Bill think long-term goals are anyway? Is it only a family oriented vision? Or is there any room for building up the life of the children to sprout wings and fly off into the world to succeed or fail? In Bill’s world, individual goals are evil. All goals should be family based, which brings me to my next point:

Who better than the wife (in a P/AD home, mind you) who is with the children 24/7, schools them from Pre-K to 12 grade and even college, buys all the groceries and necessities of life, plans the daily activities from the day her first is conceived to the day the last one flies the coop at 45 years of age, etc, etc, etc, to set goals for all the children? In that world, she would know them a heck of a lot better than the man who is gallivanting around town, working 90 hours a week and showing off his excellent brood on Sundays.

Of course, that scenario isn’t really the real world. In the real world, the world where a husband and wife are a team, they both may know the children equally well. They may not have children and yet have individual goals, as well as family goals. The unhealthy, lopsided, “I’m the man so you’d better do as I say”, is rife for abuse. And yet the woman must only trust God to change the man without vocal complaint.


In Part 1c, we will look at how to massage the very fragile self-esteem of a man. If you have ever potty-trained a child and know that that first tinkle requires an over-exuberant celebration, you will be well on your way to success in this matter.

Discuss this post on the NLQ forum. Comments are also open below.

I am a 30 something husband of one and father of 6 dynamic and loud children. My wife and I are still madly in love – at least in my view. My world is exciting, tense, and full of life. I love to write and hope to one day, do it full time. – Incongruous Circumspection

Read all posts by Incongruous Circumspection!

Snipped! by Incongruous Circumspection

The Intro.

(1) Mama

(2) My Little Years

(3) Marital Problems

(4) The Freedom of Divorce

Debunking the Fourteen Basic Needs of a Marriage:


Part 1aPart 1bPart 1cPart 1dPart 2a |

More by Incongruous Circumspection:

The Formula Problem: Why Duggarizing Your Marriage is Not Recommended

Should a Wife Submit to Her Husband?

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Quivering Daughters‘ by Hillary McFarland

Quiverfull: Inside the Christian Patriarchy Movement‘ by Kathryn Joyce

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