Quoting Quiverfull: Created For Him?

Quoting Quiverfull: Created For Him? June 27, 2013

by Debi Pearl from The NGJ Magazine July-August


Were you created to be his help meet…not HIS (Jesus’) help meet but “his” (hubby’s) help meet…helper to a mere fallen man?


If you are a real believer in Christ, if you truly want to serve and honor God, and if you are in awe of God’s Word, then you will know that your marriage oath is indeed sacred. Regardless of your husband’s short comings; regardless of your drive to be God’s helper—ministering as you feel led; regardless of your lack of personal fulfillment in the direction he takes the family, God’s ultimate will for you, the very reason you were created and became part of a union of two, is so you can fill the role as helper to your husband. Your role is not to help by being his mother or his enforcer, or the Holy Spirit convicting him of his sin, but a helper to his vision of life regardless of how small or unfulfilling that vision may be.


When you smile at him as he enters the room…your smile is an honor to God. If you are married to a worthless lump of selfish so and so, your smile may be a sacrifice but that makes it all the more a service to God. Your calling in life is to learn to listen with all joy to him; talk of his projects, plans, ideas, and hopes instead of directing the conversation to your interests and needs and visions. Your life should be dedicated to helping him realize his full potential, or limited potential, as it may be.


The day we take our vows we all think we will be an encouraging, loving wife. If being a superb help meet were easy, everyone would have a wonderful marriage. The odds are against us, because nature is against us, the culture is against us, or our own selfish interests are contrary to God’s interest. Being a God ordained help meet does not come naturally. It is a labor and sacrifice of duty.


We bring to the marriage the many years of negative conditioning. Girls spend years watching their Moms dishonor Dad. The TV, movies, and modern culture are conditioning the next generation of girls to greater dishonor. Romance novels were written by women describing make-believe men who are gloriously sensitive and preposterously masculine. These make-believe characters and story-lines unreasonably warp reality and often cloud what a girl expects of Mr. Regular Joe Husband.


Christian girls come into marriage determined to be the help meet that God defines in his Word, but then we discover that the hubby is not the super-spiritual, romantic hero that he should be. A wall of frustration builds as our plans hit the fan. Our husbands become a bondage that holds us back from what we know we could have been. We become the person we so disliked when we were young girls, looking through the brightly-colored window of hope.


God set the rules into place, obviously for a variety of reasons; many I have yet to learn (and I am old). One very good reason is to maintain order. Someone has to be central and the other a follower. It is too bad that the best and most capable is not the leader, but as in any company or corporation, ability does not a president make. Often second fiddles play the best tunes while the first fiddle gets the credit. Two bosses are a catastrophe, especially if the bosses don’t agree. With confusion comes disorder, lack of appreciation for rule, and then, rebellion (usually the children’s).


God also set the rules into place in order to bring out the best in both the male and female. He did create us. He knows our psyche. He understands what makes us tick, how we can best grow and minister and what will make us conform more into his image, AND, in the end, how we can accomplish the most for eternity. He does see the big picture.


God created men with a NEED. God told us that it was NOT good that man should be alone. God called the woman a “help meet.” Men were created to need a helper, a cheerleader, a listener, a healer, as well as a host of other things that only a good woman can provide. All these are like balm to a man’s soul; they help him grow, make him stronger, better, more loving, and arm him to become all that God desires.


Men are fallen sons of Adam, and as such are totally selfish. As far as I know, most all men are fleshy, given to animal appetites. Some men are so cruel that regardless of what a wife does they still will be cruel. But all unfulfilled men, whether evil or good, are confused. Down in their souls many of these confused men really want to cherish their wives, but they struggle. They struggle because they were created to be honored, obeyed, and to have a help meet that helps them achieve their dreams.


The lack of having a proper help meet affects men in the strangest ways; almost like lack of nutrition or a disease weakens the body, causing organs or limbs to fail; so then, different parts of a man fail when they lack a good help meet. Some men just never mature, thus remain silly boys all their lives. Other men spend their lives frustrated (shows up as anger), which disrupts their ability to follow through with what they start. Often men, who don’t have an encouraging help meet will become despondent, thus will lack any drive to succeed. A great majority of these struggling guys simply lose interest in their wives (and eventually their children).


How does a man explain to his wife that he just wishes she would listen to him talk about his dreams and hopes, and even wants her to enjoy hearing about his rash ideas? Men can’t describe what is missing in their lives. It’s a feeling, a deep river of need that has nothing to do with the physical. They yearn for someone, even something, and when it is not found in their woman…well, the man seeks fulfillment from success, other people, or entertainment. There will come a time that he will no longer look to his help meet to meet this God-given need. This will naturally result in him losing interest in the one person who was created to meet this need. This lack of interest in a wife can show itself in the man spending long hours at work, being involved in other activities and/or it even reveals itself in the husband having a lack of sexual interest in his wife. Much like the body needs vitamins, minerals, and exercise to grow strong and healthy, a man’s soul was made to need a help meet that provides soul nourishment called encouragement.


God set the marriage pattern for the good of the man and the woman. When a man’s soul needs are met through his woman, he will NEED her to stay content. His need for her will cause him to hunger for her attention. He will seek her out as his friend. He will want to please her. He will cherish her. He will desire to please her in intimate ways. It is in his best interest to take care of her because she is so necessary to his soul. It is the way of a maid to her man.


A help meet is not first a cook, cleaner, or even a mother. A help meet’s first ministry is to her husband, how she may PLEASE her man. If cooking healthy, being a super-neat housewife, or even being involved in a ministry (even if it is where people are REALLY getting saved) interferes in ANY way with your first, and foremost ministry of pleasing your man, then you are not pleasing God.


So, go back again and read Created to Be His Help Meet. Look up all the verses and mark them in your Bible with a special color. Ask God to make you into the woman he wants you to be. Drop all your extra outside activities that have made you too busy to remember your first love. PLEASE don’t say, “Tried that already and it didn’t work.” You should obey God because he is God.


A big portion of our ministry has been trying to fix—sometimes futilely—that which is so badly broken that it is like trying to put humpty dumpty back together again. Most women say divorce happens to them unexpectedly. They come in one day and their “godly” husband has packed his bags and left. At first, the wife is almost relieved he is gone because the underlying tension is over, but then, long nights, emotionally disturbed kids, tension between family members, and then single life really sets in. Being alone is not all that it is cracked up to be. Wolves are looking for lonely women with cute kids and you will soon find yourself so tired of being alone that you will consider a man, some other woman rejected, who is half the man of the husband you once scorned.


Being alone is an ugly phrase, a dishonor to God. It will not matter how poorly everyone thinks of your husband for leaving you for another woman…being alone is not what you want. Being alone starts while you are married. It is you slowly shutting the door; no welcoming smile, no meal prepared for him when he comes home from work, no encouraging word, off-handedly listening to his ideas and dreams; too busy rushing to ministry, games, classes, or whatever keeps you from being his soul mate.

Comments open below


QUOTING QUIVERFULL is a regular feature of NLQ – we present the actual words of noted Quiverfull leaders and ask our readers: What do you think? Agree? Disagree? This is the place to state your opinion. Please, let’s keep it respectful – but at the same time, we encourage readers to examine the ideas of Quiverfull honestly and thoughtfully.

NLQ Recommended Reading …

Breaking Their Will: Shedding Light on Religious Child Maltreatment‘ by Janet Heimlich

Quivering Daughters‘ by Hillary McFarland

Quiverfull: Inside the Christian Patriarchy Movement‘ by Kathryn Joyce


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  • gimpi1

    YEEE! What a nutcase. For the life of me, I can’t understand why any woman would take this wife-shaming and wife-blaming nonsense seriously, or why any man would want to waste his time with one who did.

    We BOUGHT a doormat. I don’t need to be one.

  • Independent Thinker

    To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single as I am. 1 Corinthians 7:8
    Um, Debi being alone isn’t ugly according to the bible. It’s not a dishonor to God. Her whole “help meet” theory is basically dismantled by that one passage alone.

  • elanoreirlys

    She demands the impossible of women, hog ties them with ropes that can’t be cut. I can’t read this without hurting for women and men who follow this way of life.

  • “Someone has to be central and the other a follower” and “Two bosses are a catastrophe, especially if the bosses don’t agree.”

    She needs to look up the term “business partnership”. You know, where two or more people run a company together and make decisions as a team. They exist. Really.

    She’s basically saying “God cares nothing about merit, personality or what’s in a person’s heart. His only concern is which body in the relationship has which
    set of physical characteristics”. A master/servant hierarchy based on external plumbing is not the only possible way of relating one another, and it sure as heck isn’t very high in the category of “ways that actually work”, let alone “ways that make any sort of sense whatsoever”.

  • NeaDods

    Wow, that is the most unattractive portrait of a marriage I’ve ever read, and yet she (or her husband through her, more like) tells me that it’s my unavoidable fate? If that stunted misery is what God really wants, I rejoice in my atheism.

  • texcee

    This is the most abusive relationship I’ve ever seen.

  • Saraquill

    No matter what she says, she still makes marriage look unappealing.

  • Trollface McGee

    Apparently the magic and sanctity of heterosexual marriage (according to these folks) lies in creating permanent man-children with happy slave-wives to prevent them from ever growing up or experiencing adult emotions. Also elevating people with penises to God status, which I believe is about as blasphemous as you can get.

  • newcomer

    Speaking of plumbing: where does Debi’s opinion fall on intersexed
    people, especially those born with ambiguous genitalia who are
    frequently assigned a gender based on nothing more than a doctor’s guess
    and some ‘corrective’ surgery (more common than most people think,
    actually)? If whether someone is a ‘man’ or ‘woman’ is assigned by a
    doctor instead of (or CONTRARY to) God, do they still have to obey their

    …Oh who am I kidding. She probably just advocates stoning them to death.

  • Nightshade

    So much wrong, so little time to comment…still, a few things stick out to me.

    1. ‘Men are fallen sons of Adam, and as such are totally selfish.’ Really? The man in my life seems quite interested in what I like, what I want, my opinions, etc. Doesn’t fit my definition of ‘totally selfish.’ But I’m not ‘godly’ like Debi is, what do I know?
    2. ‘How does a man explain to his wife that he just wishes she would listen to him talk about his dreams and hopes, and even wants her to enjoy hearing about his rash ideas?’ Ummmm, why not just say it? Tell her what he thinks, what he would like, take the guesswork out of it with some real communication? And perhaps being interested in what she has to say might help too. Oh wait…that’s not ‘God’s way,’ is it?
    3. ‘Being alone is an ugly phrase, a dishonor to God.’ Again, really? Others have already mentioned this one, and I concur. How many people-men and women-in the Bible did not marry and were, therefore, alone? Jesus…Mary, Martha, and Lazarus…Moses’s sister Miriam…Lydia…numerous other names that are slipping my mind at the moment, and that’s not counting widows/widowers whose spouses had died and did not remarry. Were all of them, including the one who Debi would claim as her ‘savior’ dishonoring God? Maybe, just mayyyyyybe, that one wasn’t well thought out.

  • She gets wrong what help meet means. She say it is a servant, but a real reading in context of the text and all the places where the Bible uses the same word say it is an equal partner. Her whole teaching flows from this wrong assumption. I agree with Debi, for example, that I am not a helpmeet (equal partner) to God, but from her wrong assumption it seems women should not be Christians (Christ-followers) but man-ians.
    She also believe there is a “should” in the text and maleness and femaleness was emphasized. So she goes from: “I(God) will create a help meet for Adam” to: God created all women to be servants to men. Could it not be that all people, and that was emphasized since the second human to be made as no human could help another before that, was made to be (equal) helpers to other people, regardless of gender? Or could we take this on face value, a statement about Eve and not about anyone else?

  • “Two bosses are a catastrophe, especially if the bosses don’t agree.”
    That is why Jesus said we can serve either God or mammon. And God calls people to serve him, and to bosses (a husband and God) is a catastrophe.

  • aim2misbehave

    I was going to say, her statement that “The lack of having a proper help meet affects men in the strangest ways;” directly contradicts what’s in the Bible.

  • NeaDods

    This particular quote makes a very interesting compare/contrast to the one at Love Joy, Feminism today from Debi calling her marriage “glorious” and an example. What she describes above is the very opposite of glory. Or even healthy.

  • Goatless

    This sounds like the worst kind of relationship. She’s supposed to do nothing but adore her husband and be happy about it (squashing the little voice inside which says ‘I want’). He’s supposed to let her which sounds easy but brings up all kinds of icky implications.

    I don’t know about anybody else but I would be uncomfortable being the focus of that much attention from a human being. The idea of being able to do no wrong in the eyes of somebody is terrifying because I’d continually be wondering what they really thought or wanted or whether they were OK with what I was doing.

    More confusingly, what if what I want is for my partner to do what she wants? What if I want her to talk about her dreams and her goals, to pursue her passions, to have interests and friends and things to do that don’t solely revolve around me?

    I’m sure being the centre of somebody’s universe is great fun for a little while, but after about a week I think it would become grating.

    If I wanted absolute unconditional love I would get a puppy. In a relationship both people need to be able to say to the other one ‘you’re being a bit stupid, take a step back and think’ or even just to say ‘no’.