She Deserved My Undeterred Love

She Deserved My Undeterred Love November 23, 2013

by Joe Sands cross posted from his blog Incongruous Circumspection

Trigger warning: Sexual content

The day was sweltering hot in the two room studio apartment. The air conditioning, rusting in it’s metal encasement, rattled and whined, trying to keep up with the radiant heat of the asphalt coming in the back window. The room smelled slightly, as it always did, of a small gas leak from the old, olive green, stove on the east wall. Dishes from supper were haphazardly left on the counter with a path of clothing, torn off, to the mattress on the floor of the living room.

There I was, wrapped up in the arms of the woman I loved. We had been there for hours, kissing. Her face smelled of saliva and sweat as I traced it with my fingers for the hundredth time. She shivered as I traced the finger down her neck, over her shoulder, flattening my other hand against her back and pulling her toward me, revealing her entire back. I ran my fingers around the moles there, then down to the back of her knees.

She smelled of sex.

I was in love with this woman. No, “love” is a paltry word…meaningless, really. What I felt for this woman, in this moment, was a passion beyond any words I could muster. My awestruck gazing at her body in front of me looked like lustful desire, but encompassed all the reasons why I carefully and lovingly undressed her in my living room that night.

She held on to me and squeezed tighter. My heart picked up speed. I rolled her onto her back, my lips meeting hers, our eyes closed, and entered her slowly. She was tight and warm. A gasp escaped from her throat and I shivered with desire. No thoughts were going through my head. I was in the moment as I began slowly thrusting, building to a crescendo and exploding inside of her while she cried out in climactic orgasm.

And at that very moment, my mind was shattered with guilt. I had just made love to this beautiful woman. My face, no, my whole body smelled like her. Her scent was the closest description I imagined heaven smelled like. A mixture of Aspen brand perfume, the smell of her kisses, the crisp smell of her skin, her juices, the woman that she was – and we weren’t married.

Weeks later, we discovered she was pregnant. Two days before we were to be married, actually. We told no one. Instead, we suffered in our guilt – alone…together. The day we found out, she was sitting on the toilet in the studio apartment, having just peed on a stick. Standing up, she turned to me.

“I’m pregnant.”

That wave of guilt washed over me again. “We aren’t married,” I thought. This meant everything. We were now going to have a baby sooner than nine months after we were married, making it obvious that we had been having sex before saying our vows. This was bad. My mind raced, trying to think of excuses, ways to pull the wool over the eyes of our pastors, our friends, and all the people that we knew would judge us for our carnal sins.

Once married, the guilt continued. Our happiness was clouded with the “problem” of being pregnant. The baby growing inside of her had no name, no personality, no personhood…it was merely a manifestation of a grotesque sin – the sin of making love to a woman that I cared for deeply. Enjoying her body, her enjoying mine, showing each other, sexually, what we thought of each other. A natural and awesome act of anamalistic carnality.

The suffering became so great, we began to call pastors and friends. We met an associate pastor in a restaurant and admitted our guilt. He cried. We went in front of the church we attended. Some judged, some cried, some didn’t care. The sin continued to grow in her body as her belly began to expand.

I was nominated to an officership in the church. In the entire history of the church, every vote had been unanimous – until this one. I won by two votes. I was a sinful man. I had created a group of vile and evil cells inside my wife, barring me, in the minds of many, from any service to their god.

The sin continued to grow. We heard its heartbeat, watched its length expand, viewed the ultrasound of it, watched it jump around inside her uterus. I made love to my wife, trying desperately to alleviate my soul from the guilt of the sin I had created inside of her. Sex was still wonderful, but it was a constant reminder of the filth we had made.

The filth was born. There she was, a beautiful baby girl. My girl. My daughter. Our daughter. We had made her in the throes of our love. For nine months, we had looked at her as a black blot on our souls, but now, right here before us, was a living breathing, wailing…girl. We fell in love with her, deeply.

Our guilt remained for ten more years until finally, we tossed off the last shred of it.

Renaya, you deserved my undeterred love. Forgive me, my beautiful girl. <

Comments open below<

Read everything by Incongruous Circumspection!

I am a 30 something husband of one and father of 6 dynamic and loud children. My wife and I are still madly in love – at least in my view. My world is exciting, tense, and full of life. I love to write and hope to one day, do it full time. – Incongruous Circumspection

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  • Jennny

    I am always angry when ‘sexual sin’ is seen as the top of God’s list for sin. What about the christian employer here who is known to treat his employees badly, or the person who confided in me she’s kept short of money so her husband can have the latest gadgets? They don’t have to stand up and confess in church. Or me? What about the million small sins I commit? Don’t they grieve God as much as the ‘big’ ones?
    I’ve never understood the imaginary list that some christians make grading sins in order of seriousness – with sex always being at the top of course. And somehow, sexual sin is perceived as only just about forgiveable by God – and by the church too.

  • Independent Thinker

    That has always frustrated me as well. You can’t have sex outside of marriage but if a male wants to be a bump on a log who is unemployed or underemployed (while perfectly healthy) no one in the church says a peep.
    But if any provide not for his own, and specially for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel. 1 Timothy 5:8 KJV
    Churches don’t shame men who don’t buy their kids winter coats or fail to get them proper dental care. It’s a twisted situation.

  • Madame

    Yes, a twisted situation indeed.

  • Madame

    I’m so sorry you went through all that shame, Joe. My husband and I just barely managed to keep “ourselves to ourselves” until the day we married. Just barely. Our first child was born nine and a half months after our legal marriage, and just eight months after the “official” wedding, so there were people making calculations there, too.

    I remember a young woman in our youth group got pregnant and there was much finger pointing and shaming. Her boyfriend, who soon became her husband, was very much in the picture all along, but still, it was “sin” because they weren’t married. Both sets of parents were “in discipline” for what seemed like forever, not allowed to attend any membership meetings and made to step down from any offices they held. Meanwhile, I don’t want to know what all went on behind the closed doors of other church members and leaders.

  • gimpi1

    “Both sets of parents were “in discipline” for what seemed like forever, not allowed to attend any membership meetings and made to step down from any offices they held.”

    Why, oh why, do people submit to this stuff? If anyone made this sort of demand of me, in any organized setting, I’d walk out. In fact, they would be very lucky if I just walked out.

  • This is beautifully written. I have never understood how conservative Christians seriously expect people to see sex as “dirty” before marriage and “beautiful” after marriage, as if one has flipped a switch. I like to call this the “magic wand” approach; after we get married (i.e. wave a magic wand), sex is magically transformed from something bad to something good! And with no lingering psychological issues and cognitive dissonance for any parties involved – now there’s the real magic!

    Also, I don’t understand how these same people expect to gain any traction for the pro-life cause when they are so busy using unwed pregnancy and single motherhood (i.e. the evidence of sex outside of marriage) to shame women. It makes more sense to me to make celebrating ALL new life your first priority and working to change our culture to share this view.

  • Yes, because she had the courage to “come out” as pregnant and unmarried instead of running off to get an abortion before she started showing. That’s the spirit! Shame her for her sins.

    And these same people wonder why there is still a demand for abortion among conservative Christian types – not everyone is cut out to give the world the middle finger and some people just can’t deal with the shaming.

  • $66283444

    What God has brought together…how do we know God doesn’t bring us together before the wedding, which, let’s face it, is a manmade ceremony? Besides, Jesus was conceived (and born) outside of marriage. I think humans are much harder on humans than God is. I’m glad you see the beauty of your child conceived in love. A happy life to you all.