Preparing To Be A Help Meet: The Priest Part 2

Preparing To Be A Help Meet: The Priest Part 2 July 22, 2014

by Mel cross posted from her blog When Cows and Kids Collide

In this installment, Debi struggles to create ‘down sides’ for the Steady/Priestly Man.  She manages to find one problem that might cause actual problems and makes-up three others that are really tame compared to the hell of being married to a Prophet or a King.

Oh, but Debi does figure out how to rag on women.

“The down side to the Priestly natured man is the irritation his very steadiness produces in an impatient, romantic woman needing a little reckless adventure to spice up her life.”

So?  If you need adventure, go on an adventure.

As the wife of a Steady/Priestly man, I’ve found a little bit of adventure to be important to the health of our marriage.  When we get into a rut, I plan a short day trip or an overnight trip to a nearby location.  We come back refreshed and ready to get back to work.  I also have a stash of “emergency” Lego kits if my husband has had a rough day.  (He keeps a stash of pictures of calves, kittens and turtles on his phone if I’m having a rough day.  A good marriage works in both directions.)

“This type of man is steady and cautious, and for a spoiled young girl it is hard to see his worth and readily honor him.  He almost seems old when he is still young.  He seems to just let people use him.  His strength is being a people person.  Everyone will like him, enjoy his easy manner, and feel comfortable around him; they will not feel judged or ignored by him.  He will like helping others, having his home open to casual get-togethers and visiting around. “

An adult man helps others rather than using them to further his goals in life?  That’s just crazy talk, Debi.  (/snark)

” A good wife will make herself conform to his gifts.  She will use her time to make her home a pleasant place to gather.  She will learn to cook for groups and become a gracious hostess.  Her strength and ministry will be hospitality.  This will bring him honor.  All of this sounds simple, but for most couples it’s not.”

What’s the hard part of having a pleasant home, cooking for groups and being a good hostess?  Yes, each of those takes work and some practice, but we’re not talking about DIY brain surgery.

“His even nature keeps him from flamboyant emotional displays that you might see in the Prophet type.  His lack of fervent religious expression will provoke his wife into judging him as unspiritual.  Wives are blinded by the church’s standard of the ‘spiritual man’ and become critical of their new husbands.”

I think this will rock Debi’s world: I don’t trust flamboyant emotional displays and put little stock in fervent religious expression.

People can fake both very, very easily.

I’ll take a honest sharing of emotions and a life grounded in a value system, thanks.

“The steady Priest natured man is content to take a long time in making critical decisions.  He tends to be more cautious that the Prophet  type.  An impatient young wife often finds it difficult to quietly wait for him to make up his mind.  In her agitation she leaks criticism, which tears at his confidence and makes him more cautious and noncommittal.  He just wants peace, to be left alone to do his daily routine and enjoy the company of people who are not all fired up, passionate or critical.”

Here’s the one (potential) problem and Debi’s advice is pretty good if you allow both spouses some wiggle room.

In every marriage, one person is going to make decisions more slowly than the other person.

If you are the person who can make lightning-fast decisions, recognize that the other person has the right to take a reasonable amount of time to make up their mind.  Do not pressure the other person – it is counter-productive and mean.

If you are the slower decision maker, recognize that your spouse will be more at ease if they know roughly how long you think it will take you to make the decision.  If you need a few days, let your partner know.

“Are you controlling?”

Nope.  Moving on.

“What can you do now to change your attitude so that you are not guilty of trying to revamp what God designed?”

*Snorts derisively*

Nice use of “GOD’S DIVINE PLAN” as a guilt trip.  Too bad you couldn’t back it up with a Bible verse.

“Girl, you hope to be God’s gift to some young man, but know that you come unassembled, just as he does. You will not bring to marriage all the skills necessary to make it into a fairytale come true.  “

Whoa.  Both of the spouses come into a marriage less than perfect, according to Debi.  That’s surprisingly…modern…of her.

It’s a true point, too.  Marriage is a lot of work and requires both partners to bend and give at different times.

“You must be humble enough to bend and merge into your new identity.  When you come to understand men as God created them to be, you will not waste your marriage trying to change your new husband into what you think he should be.”

And we’re back to the 1950’s guilt-trip of women theme.  I’m humble enough to assume that I don’t understand God’s plan for my husband or myself.  I’m confident enough to assume that I can help my husband grow and change as he helps me grow and change.

“[Note from Steady Man] That’s a very good point about fairytales.  Notice how fairytales are never about marriage; they’re always about whirlwind romantic courtships.  They cover a few years, then conclude with an “ever after” that, in reality, lasts ten times longer than the fairytale did.  Fairytales are very poor indeed at equipping a girl for a marriage that will compromise most of her years.”

Fairy tales (which is usually two words) are awful at preparing anyone for real life.  They’re great for keeping kids occupied – which is what most people use them for today.

Of course, Micheal Pearl probably read his daughters the story of Patient Griseldaevery day when they were children.

AntiPearl: Coming together is a beginning; keeping together is progress; working together is success.

 Introduction | Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 |Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | 

Part 7 |  Part 8 | Part 9 | Part 10 | Part 11 | Part 12 | Part 13

Part 14 | Part 15 | Part 16 | Part 17

Read everything by Mel!

Mel is a science teacher who works with at-risk teens and lives on a dairy farm with her husband. She blogs at When Cows and Kids Collide

Comments open below

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  • Nea

    Whenever the Pearls start talking about “steady” men is when I call bullshit the loudest. You see, my father is a quiet, patient, methodical man – the very definition of a steady man.

    But not the *Pearls’* definition of a steady man!

    For one thing, he’s an introvert and my mother’s an extrovert. And a romantic. To this day, they laugh over the story of when they were dating and my mother the romantic looked up and said “Oh! What a pretty star!” And my father the scientist looked up and grunted, “That’s not a star. That’s a planet.”

    Does my mother get impatient? No, because they both know that neither one will be happy unless she goes off and does something exciting now and then, and he enjoys hearing all about it later.

    Hard to see his worth? The opposite. The reason such opposites attracted in the first place is because they talked and discovered that for all their differences, their end goals of what they wanted in life were identical. And Mother took her time making up her mind, so when she decided she was SURE. And she knew precisely the kind of guy she was getting. (Two things which Debi has very obviously sorely lacked.)

    An impatient young wife often finds it difficult to quietly wait for him to make up his mind

    You know what cures impatience the fastest? TALKING. Yes, my father takes a long time to make up his mind. But he’s not quiet. He’s weighing the options and looking at possibilities and most of all discussing his thought processes and inviting comment. Funny how that turns impatience and criticism into a simple discussion.

    He will like … having his home open to casual get-togethers and visiting around

    Dad’s an introvert. That’s his idea of hell. I’m just sayin’.

  • gimpi1

    “If you need an adventure, have an adventure.”

    But that would involve being “selfish.” It would mean taking initiative. It would mean making decisions for yourself. We can’t have that.

    Also one oddity about Mrs. Pearl’s discussions about ‘young brides;’ She writes as though these women have never met their husbands before they married. Really you don’t know the man you decided to marry was introverted before you married him? You’re surprised that he likes to be helpful to neighbors, doesn’t speak out much or prefers peaceful conversation to passionate dialog?

    Oh, wait, that’s right. She’s assuming a “courtship’ or a ‘betrothal.’ No initial attraction. No getting to know each other. No mutual interests. No spending time together just talking. And, heaven forbid, no dating. That’s why these poor brides are expected to re-make themselves to conform to their husbands. They didn’t know who in the heck they were marrying in the first place.

    No thank you. I’ll keep my non-heavenly, non-fairy-tale happy, healthy and egalitarian marriage, with a man I knew for years before we became romantically involved.

  • Astrin Ymris

    I notice how Debi grants men the right to have an individual, innate temperament presumed to have been “created by God”, but she demands that women all have to fit an identical mold– that of a submissive, undemanding SAHM.