by Mel cross posted from her blog When Cows and Kids Collide
Last time, I gathered up all of the general descriptions of Prophet / Visionary Men that Debi sprinkled through Chapter 3. Now, we get to move on to the specific examples of what life with a Prophet/Visionary Man is like according to Debi.
“The Prophet type will make a great boyfriend because he will focus totally on his sweetie. He will be very romantic, giving you flowers and gifts. If you catch the heart of a Prophet you will be his consuming passion, his greatest challenge, his dream come true. “
In other words, the Prophet is in love with being in love with you. That’s not a great foundation for marriage.
“A few weeks after marriage, though, his focus will turn to other challenges. As his new bride you will feel abandoned.”
Sounds lovely. Debi sure knows how to make marriage sound appealing, doesn’t she?
“It is important for all girls to understand this great truth regardless of what type you marry: You need a life, a vibrant life, before your man comes on the scene. A clingy useless wife that lacks drive, goals, ambitions or dreams is just that – useless. Right now, do you have a life with purpose?”
I wholeheartedly agree with Debi that women need a life with drive, goals, ambitions and dreams. The difference between Debi and I is that I believe that all married women can still have their own drive, goals, ambitions and dreams. For Debi, autonomy for women ends at the wedding if you marry a Prophet or a King. (There’s a nice little loop-hole: Marry a Priest-type man.)
“[Side note from the Visionary Man] A girl who lives a static life of waiting to be married is not attractive. Think what it conveys: “I’ll just sit here idly while waiting for someone to come and give me a purpose, and a house and money and food and make me happy and love me.” It’s very needy. A man wants a companion, not a sympathy case.”
Oh, wise Visionary Man, please wander down off your mountain and grace us with the answer to one, tiny, insignificant question: What do you want her to do in the meantime?
She can’t go to a real college; she can’t work outside the home in a meaningful way; she can’t date; she can’t pursue a career; she can’t move out on your own. Working as a nanny / junior teacher / housemaid at home is agonizingly boring.
If you want to marry someone more interesting, Visionary Man, give women a chance to grow. If you want to control their lives absolutely, don’t whine when your wife isn’t perfect – you are not attractive when you whine.
Back to Debi.
“[If you have a life], then when your new Prophet/Visionary husband suddenly becomes focused on some strange, new, driving project, your life will go on smoothly and happily. Of course, as a wife you will still need to be ready to “ooh and aah” when he does come back to share his new vision with you.”
What a terribly disjointed life. A new wife follows whatever she’s interested in, drops it when her new husband wants her attention, then takes it back up when his attention drifts off again.
Notice Debi never recommends that the husband make any sort of effort to connect with his wife.
“When he does turn his attention back to you all the other wives will be jealous, for you will have the most romantic man around.”
That’s a truly pathetic prize to dangle out in front of a struggling young wife: “Hey, don’t feel bad – when your husband gets around to noticing you, the other wives will be jealous.” Whoop – de – fricking – doo – dah.
“In (sic) you are fortunate enough to catch the attention of a Prophet/Visionary guy, you will never be bored. In fact, you should be just a little bit reckless and blind in one eye if you are going to enjoy the ride. If you end up with one of these guys, you need to learn two important things: learn how to be flexible, and learn how to always be loyal to your man. You will be amazed how much happier you will be and how much fun life can be if you learn to go with the flow – his flow. Life becomes an adventure.”
But is the adventure worth the price? Debi tells us some real life stories in the next installment of Chapter 3.
Mel is a science teacher who works with at-risk teens and lives on a dairy farm with her husband. She blogs at When Cows and Kids Collide