Preparing To Be A Help Meet: The King Part 1

Preparing To Be A Help Meet: The King Part 1 August 4, 2014

preparingby Mel cross posted from her blog When Cows and Kids Collide

I hate this chapter.  All of it.  Hate.

This deserves a trigger warning for abuse, abuse rationalization, and hideously bad grammar.

“Moral to the Story: The wife to a King must learn to serve him with honor.
A Caution: Don’t be offended by his lack of serving or helping you in the mundane things of life.”

Why shouldn’t I be offended?  He’s being an ass.

“God the Father is dominant, sovereign, and in command.  He is the King of Kings.  He created a few men who are like him in this aspect; they are kingly men.  In my book Created To Be His Help Meet, I called them Command Men, because that is their most dominant feature. “

The rest of society calls them abusive narcissistic tyrants.  Our term is more honest.

“Though men in general are dominant compared to women, the King type is enbued (sic) with an extra dose and, seemingly, a deficit in gentleness and patience.”

You can drop the pretense.  The “King” types have a clinical lack of gentleness and patience.

“They are often chosen by other men to be military commanders, politicians, preachers, and heads of corporations.”

The people who “chose” them will live to rue that decision.

Kingly men see life as if they were on a high mountain; they look at the big picture, rather than individual, personal needs.  “

Stop glamorizing it.

The King - sort of like King Joffrey from "Game of Thrones"
The King – sort of like King Joffrey from “Game of Thrones”

The King is intensely focused on HIS individual personal needs. 

“Kingly Men show little tolerance for those around them who are dragging their feet, making excuses, or whining about their lot in life.  They are men who want to move forward now – and they have a plan.  As a rule, Kingly Men tend to end up in a place of authority over people.”

Interesting slip, Debi.  The “King” has a plan – his plan – not God’s plan.  Keep watching for that theme since it recurs frequently.

“If you should marry a King, you must be prepared to give him honor and reverence on a daily basis if you want him to be a benevolent, honest, strong and fulfilled man of God.  Every king wants a queen.  He will best fulfill his potential to become an effective leader when he has the confidence and admiration of the queen at his side.  “

Debi’s helping you start practicing enabling your “King” ahead of time.  

Remember: The King is the ONLY ONE who matters.

“Being a Queen comes with pleasures and honors, but it also carries extreme demands.  It is a life of service, first to your King and then to those who are under your man’s care.”

Place your bets now as to what the “pleasures and honors” of being a Queen are.  The answer comes up a few posts from now.

If you need help due to abuse, call 1-800-799-HELP (7233) or (if you have access to a computer that your partner does not), go to

AntiPearl: There are people in the world that help abuse victims.  That’s enough for me to hang on to today.


Introduction | Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 |Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | 

Part 7 |  Part 8 | Part 9 | Part 10 | Part 11 | Part 12 | Part 13

Part 14 | Part 15 | Part 16 | Part 17 | Part 18 | Part 19| Part 20

Part 21 |

Read everything by Mel!

Mel is a science teacher who works with at-risk teens and lives on a dairy farm with her husband. She blogs at When Cows and Kids Collide

Comments open below

NLQ Recommended Reading …

Quiverfull: Inside the Christian Patriarchy Movement by Kathryn Joyce

13:24 – A Story of Faith and Obsession by M Dolon Hickmon

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  • Nightshade

    So all Joffrey needed was a good queen?…still think Bronn was right, there’s no cure for what ailed him, or Debi’s Kings for that matter.

  • Suzanne Harper Titkemeyer

    Joffrey needed an imp slap! ..and death…Michael Pearl also needs an ego deflation/removal from polite society.

  • gimpi1

    “Place your bets now as to what the “pleasures and honors” of being a Queen are. “

    Overwork, physical and psychological abuse, poverty, neglect, loneliness, untreated medical problems, and martyrdom would be my bets. How’d I do?

    Oh, and Michael Pearl as Joffery, perfect! There’s nothing like a spoiled, pampered tyrant who thinks the world turns around his penis to set things right!

  • Trollface McGee

    Historically – the “king” type would not be a king, maybe a prison guard or a low level officer in some middle of nowhere post, or one of those positions that allows one to be a bully – but those generally don’t offer much other benefit. Real (effective) leaders are, of course, nothing like this.
    Advising someone to marry someone like this is just encouraging someone to be a bully and a jerk, not good for the wife, not good for anyone else he’s around and not even that good for him. I imagine a lot of these “kings” are deeply insecure, troubled men who don’t know how to properly express their emotions and probably would be happier if they did – but no, reinforce the hate, reinforce the dickishness and just put up and shut up *sigh*
    Joffrey indeed, and he ended up right where he deserved in the end.

  • Mel

    Pretty close!

  • Nightshade

    Yessss…loved those imp slaps. A few of those might do Michael Pearl a world of good, at least would make some of us feel a lot better.

  • B.A.

    This should be under Dear Abby’s warning signs of an abuser.

  • B.A.

    A man like this wouldn’t be good for children,either.

  • Nea

    And indeed, Michael has been cited as a contributing factor in three child abuse deaths.

  • Nea

    “They are often chosen by other men to be military commanders, politicians, preachers, and heads of corporations.”

    Not really, no. Preachers, yeah, I can see that, especially with So! Many! stories of abuse coming out of so many churches. But military commanders? The last person you want leading people is someone who thinks that macho makes right as opposed to respect for command – and everyone’s under someone else’s command – training, morale, even empathy. Especially because testosterone poisoning makes for a “leader” nobody wants to follow… unless, perhaps, they can shoot him in the back.

    Men like Michael Pearl either wash out of the military or get stuck in low ranks. And I think at some level he knows that, because he loves to talk about the police and the soldiers, with their hierarchy and their guns and their macho, but he knows perfectly well that he’d have to take orders from someone else, and that can’t be happening.

    Corporations even moreso. Someone whose business model begins and ends with “Worship me, I can whup your ass” is going to discover that the invisible hand is extremely good at giving bitch slaps.

    Being a Queen comes with pleasures and honors

    By Debi’s OWN DESCRIPTION, her “glorious marriage” includes: physical abuse to the point of exhaustion and collapse, starvation, poverty, verbal/emotional abuse, and lack of medical care (for which no sympathy or company will be granted because sick people are icky and weak). As starters. One of her “pleasures” appears to be the knowledge that if she doesn’t ask too often, and doesn’t ask in the wrong way, and doesn’t ask in the wrong time of her cycle, and doesn’t ask for too much, Michael will actually deign to listen to her concerns.

    Or at least appear to be doing so. After all, this is the guy who talks a lot in his book about how it’s totes fine to just pretend to listen even while all you’re hearing is “blah, blah, Fluffy.”

  • Nea

    Y’know, a thought just occurred to me. Michael and Debi make a huge deal out of Michael’s prison ministry. But isn’t that just as much evidence of him self-selecting a target audience that 1) makes *him* look good, 2) literally can’t get away from him and 3) is 100% composed of men already subjugated under rigid control? Michael doesn’t go preach on a college campus or street corner where John Q Citizen could yell back at him, much less pick a fight Mike might not win. He “ministers” at a place where everyone poses no threat to his machismo whatsoever, and then expects a cookie for going into prisons.

  • Melody

    Doesn’t King with a capital belong to God (unless it’s a surname or, you know, an actual king)? The way men are deified is just awful… A sentence like ‘a life of service for your King’ sounds like it is about God-which would be better-instead of just any husband. Oh, wait it’s not any husband, it’s a king…. or at least that’s what he thinks he is, and she wants us to.

  • ConcepcionImmaculadaPantalones

    That chick Joffrey married was probably more successful in taming that boy-tyrant than anyone at any time in his life but that’s likely because she seemed like she fully knew the potential horrendous consequences she would face if she wasn’t good at diplomacy and carefully crafting the right image of who others perceived her to be. The part where she sneaks into Joffrey’s little brother’s room was squicky though.

  • ConcepcionImmaculadaPantalones

    May God have mercy on his soul in the event of a prison riot while he’s within the electrified barbed wire fences and trapped in the building as a civilian surrounded by many MANY inmates.

    Would it be a sin to ask God to get rid of Mike Pearl in a bloody prison riot where only the really bad inmates and Mike are killed/beheaded/maimed?

  • Nightshade

    There was one moment where it seemed there might be (a tiny grain of) hope for Joffrey, and it was Margaery’s doing.

  • Trollface McGee

    I don’t like the idea of prison ministries in general – prisoners have so many needs – job assistance, drug treatment, housing – religion is about the easiest and least useful thing to provide (not to mention Michael’s brand of extra-violent religion.
    I do like the idea of Michael in prison though, as an inmate.

  • Saraquill

    …In prison, in the general population, with all the other inmates knowing that he indirectly killed children?

  • Trollface McGee

    And having the diplomatic skills of a rabid hyena? I think I like this thought more and more.

  • KarenH

    “….military commanders…”

    Some? Sure. But the really successful commanders are successful because they DO care about the individuals who serve under their command. The ones who don’t? Well, a lot of them ended up fragged as junior lieutenants in the Vietnam War (and I’m guessing that brutal bit of military pruning went on in the Iraq wars as well).

    the kind of “character” that Debi appears to admire the most, is also the most likely to get his staff killed. He’s the kind to believe those who serve under him are little more than cannon fodder and completely interchangeable with any other cannon fodder. And there’s no such thing as a special Queen. Anyone NOT the king is easily replaceable.

    God forbid anything ever happened to Debi–I’m not offering this up as a wish by any means–but if anything ever did, I would be shocked if Michael didn’t have a fiancee by month’s end. And even more shocked if she wasn’t …. um, to put it delicately …. called up from the minor leagues.

  • Two words: Anne Boleyn. Michael reminds me a lot of her spouse: a narcissistic bust head with little or no self control. The type of ‘king’ Debi describes is a psychopath. They end up destroying their wives and families and those around them.

  • can you put it indelicately? it’s 3am here…

  • ConcepcionImmaculadaPantalones

    I’m going to guess very young.

  • Nea

    Considering how often Michael talks about Debi as “hey, I even learned to love HER” I’m pretty sure being a queen comes with knowing uneasy is the head that wears the (minor) crown.

  • KarenH

    Not so much very young as currently in practice on the side.

  • KarenH

    Never mind, probably very young, too.

  • Mel

    Only if you start the riot. 🙂

  • Mel

    The sad part: Debi know this. She writes a hideously toxic bit later in the chapter that tells women to expect – EXPECT! – that a King will be MIA when someone is sick, hurting or dying – and not to hold it against him.

    I had plenty of choice words on that subject.

  • Suzanne Harper Titkemeyer

    The sad thing about Henry VIII is that he was a very different man before he suffered a head injury jousting in the lists. Many of that time have talked about a marked tendency to be out of control and angry after the head injury. It’s my belief that the head injury was the real reason for all the beheading of wives and bad behavior that followed.

    What’s Michael Pearl’s excuse?

  • KarenH


  • I’m impressed. Problem is, the first injury was in 1524, when he was annoyed with Katherine. He was already playing the field on her. The more serious one occurred when he was married to AB. She miscarried a son, he then turned on her. By then the Seymours were throwing Jane at him. I don’t think the head injury made much difference. Anne of C was an annulment, they remained friends. Catherine Howard was basically betrayed by her family. Her betrayal nearly destroyed him. Catherine Parr survived him. He was a despot before the head injury, a man of his era. (Oh, I love that time period!)

  • Suzanne Harper Titkemeyer

    I respectfully disagree. He was less petty and venial before the head injury but I do agree the capacity towards cruelty was there from the beginning. Anne of Cleves was the only wife to escape relatively unscathed. I love that time period too! LOL

  • Mel

    Totally OT: As a biologist, I’ve always wondered if there was some sort of blood antigen incompatibility or between Henry VIII and his wives or if he carried a translocation or inversion on a chromosome because the obstetric record for his first three wives was – even for the time period – horrible. Katherine of Aragon had multiple, repeated pregnancy losses and early neonatal deaths with one surviving daughter. Anne B. had a healthy daughter with her first pregnancy, then started losing pregnancies. Jane had one son. (It would have been interesting to see if she started having repeat miscarriages if she hadn’t died of childbed fever.) Anna of Cleves’ marriage was probably not consumated – or was of such short duration that pregnancy chances were very low. By the time C.H came on the scene, H8’s physical condition was extremely poor and unlikely for him to be able to father a child. C.P. married an even sicker H8, but was able to conceive and bear a daughter with her next husband.

    I find it amusing because the question is often asked “What was wrong with H8’s wives that they produced so few children?” IMHO, a better question may be “What was wrong with H8?”

  • Mel

    A of C was smarter than many historians give her credit for. She knew H8’s marital history; she was alone in a hostile court; her family of origin was not terribly powerful. By going along with H8’s wishes, she gained her own property, honor in the court, a respectable income and the ability to remarry if she wished.

    In my opinion, her life story was the most pleasant of all of the wives of H8.

  • Mel

    How much of his actions were due to increasing pressure for a son as well? Young H8 and Katherine of A had years to produce a son….but then didn’t. Anne B. was pregnant with a prince….who turned out to be a princess. Jane gave him a son – but the child was sickly and his mother died soon after birth.

    I don’t condone his behavior – AT ALL – but knowing your kingdom could dissolve into civil war on your death would be sobering.

  • I love it. Jane S died in childbirth. Catherine Parr became a good friend with him, survived to die in childbirth with her 2nd husband. In many ways his actions were no different from other men of his age. He was far more reasonable than Phillip II. The real problems with him were via the church split. Wolsey’s own ambition basically doomed him. Thomas More (a ggwhatever grandfather of mine) doomed himself by his pig-headed ness. I wonder if the real problem is that he was not the man Charles V Holy Roman Emperor was.

    Also, Henry suffered from a raging case of syphilis. When I was studying history that was always considered the cause of his erratic behavior. It effected Mary, Elizabeth, and Edward. I think that was far more the problem than the head injuries.

  • Astrin Ymris

    The syphillis claim is now doubted by most historians. His household medical accounts don’t list purchases of mercury– the gold standard of syphilis treatment at the time.

    Cumulative brain injury from the combined effect of BOTH head injuries is possible. Plus, H8 was in continual pain that gradually increased as he acquired more and more “minor” medical conditions. In an absolute monarch, it’s easy to see how pain-induced irritablity, complicated by a possible endocrine disorder could lead to more and more irrational and vindictive decision-making.

    Then there’s the lead-containing salve he used for his leg ulcers. That’s neurotoxic in and of itself.

  • ConcepcionImmaculadaPantalones

    It’s also difficult to know who you can trust when you’re the King and everyone is afraid of you – since it’s no big thing to order people to be taken to the tower and await their death. H8’s court knew that if he said jump, they should ask how high, and be quick with it because the king was not all that patient.
    He is buried next to Jane Seymour, whom he is said to have deeply loved (and in more than a sexual context) Catherine Howard and Anne Boleyn being executed and disgraced didn’t really have much of a chance since they began their relationships with H8 while he was already married, Anne is also significantly tied to the chaos and frustration over dealing with the Catholic church and then starting the Church of England. Catherine Howard had a reputation that had been kept secret until one of the parties involved in how she got that reputation showed up at H8’s court and he didn’t enjoy feeling foolish, especially since it must have seemed like he was the only one who didn’t know about that or the affair his young wife had been carrying on with the help of one of the ladies in waiting with an ulterior motive. Anne of Cleves was given an annulment, a pension, a home, and the freedom to marry if she chose to – and she and H8 liked to play cards together. But it was his last wife, Catherine Parr, who got him to acknowledge his two daughters and put them back in the line of succession and she was able to disagree with him without being sent to the tower herself. I believe that she was a recent widow at the time H8 became interested in pursuing her for marriage, or there was another suitor…she was the king’s companion and wasn’t at all bad with behaving diplomatically when situations that could have ended badly for her came up or she wouldn’t have outlived the king. The king was probably under just as much pressure as his wives to produce a male heir, it’s just that being the king, it was other people who would lose their head and he was the one everyone feared.

  • ConcepcionImmaculadaPantalones

    I’ve gotta get some praying started ASAP then.

  • Catherine

    I’d thought it was syphillis? Left untreated it can cause brain damage.

  • Astrin Ymris

    When syphilis hit the Europeans in 1493, they had no resistance to it, and after infection rapidly developed dramatic and recognizable disfigurement. The only “cure” that occasionally worked was high doses of mercury.

    Henry VIII’s physicians did NOT prescribe mercury, as they would have if he’d had syphilis. Nor did any ambassadors from foreign countries report the distinctive symptoms in their coded letters to their own monarchs.

    There are a lot of other conditions which could have caused H8’s increasingly erratic and despotic behavior as he aged. In the absence of any confirming evidence, I don’t put much credence in the syphilis theory.

  • Hannah

    Agreed. In a way though she was also incredibly lucky; he was rejecting her, and made it clear it was that way around, rather than her having an affair and thereby rejecting him. He really could have chosen to go either way, and not fighting it was probably the most brilliant move she ever could have made.