Preparing To Be A Help Meet: The King Part 4

Preparing To Be A Help Meet: The King Part 4 August 10, 2014
King Clovis I using the royal touch at his coronation to heal a man of scrofula.
King Clovis I using the royal touch at his coronation to heal a man of scrofula.

by Mel cross posted from her blog When Cows and Kids Collide

This is the second to last “King” post – and the last one that talks directly about the “King’s” lunacy.

“Kings usually like fine meals served on time and in good order.  If you are an especially fine cook, your gifts will be greatly appreciated.  A Kingly Man is not one to help out in the kitchen.”

Translation: Your husband, who never lifts a finger, is free to complain about your crappy cooking, your failure to plate everything like a restaurant , and/or your inability to have dinner ready when HE wants it.

“Kings like to talk about their plans, ideas, and unfinished projects.  They will be very objective, very unemotional, and not enjoy small talk.  Their vision is like a man looking from a high mountain, focused on the distant goal.  The King’s wife needs to help him remember individuals’ needs.”

*Scoffs*

Good luck with that.

Ever heard the story of Sisyphus?   He’ll have gotten that boulder up the hill before the “King” remembers anyone else.

“A Kingly Man will be most uncomfortable and at a loss when dealing with the sick, helpless and dying.  Where there is no hope, there will be no need for a King.  If you marry a King, don’t be offended if he shirks being with the sick or weak.”

(Editor’s Note: I have to inject here and point out how incredibly wrong Debi’s assertions on Kings and illnesses are. The Royal Touch of a King was believed to heal and many European monarchs laid hands on their sick subjects with the purposes of healing them. Healing was considered a divine right and responsibility of kings. You cannot heal if you are hiding from the sick.)

Nice poisoning of the well, DebiMichael.

In “The Wizard of Oz and other Narcissists”, the author explains that most codependent people who have been enabling narcissists start to question the relationship when the codependent person becomes ill or needs help.

On some level, the codependent person has been puting up with all of the crap because he or she believes that when the codependent person REALLY needs the narcissist, the narcissist will take care of them.

Too bad that’s not how the narcissist sees the relationship – he or she subscribes to the “King” theory of interaction.

On a different tangent, let’s see how many Bible quotes I can find in 5 minutes that refute that paragraph.

  1.  Matthew 25:31-46 (Parable of the Sheep and Goats)
  2. Matthew 7:12  (The Golden Rule)
  3. Galatians 6:2 (Bear one another’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill[a] the law of Christ)
  4. James 5:14-15 ( 14 Are any among you sick? They should call for the elders of the church and have them pray over them, anointing them with oil in the name of the Lord. 15 The prayer of faith will save the sick, and the Lord will raise them up; and anyone who has committed sins will be forgiven.)

Four quotes in 5 minutes.  So…how did Mr. “I’ve spent 50-odd years reading the Bible” miss those four?  (This portion just reeks of Michael Pearl.)

(*Spoiler Alert*)

I read “Red Badge of Courage” by Stephen Crane when I was a freshman in high school.  My dad, who teaches HS English, pointed out that the true moment of cowardice for the main character is not during the battle(s), or during the part when he tries to comfort his dying friend, but when he leaves “the tattered man” because he is afraid that that man will die in front of him.

According to my dad, a man who cannot support the sick or dying is a coward.

“A born leader is a man who can, when necessary, adapt the principles or rules to the circumstance for the greater good of the greatest number of people.”

Oh, yeah.  The 11th commandment…. (massive sarcasm)

Seriously, Debi just added “The Book of Extreme Consequentialism” to the Bible.  

“A Kingly man will not confer with his wife concerning the way he spends money.  If his wife “feels” it is her right to help decide how the money will be spent, she will engage in a war she will never win.  Even though she is not part of the decision making, a Kingly wife will feel secure in her husband’s ability to “take care of her”, due to his commanding confidence.”

How’s that working out for you, Debi? 

Was it fun watching your children go hungry when Michael moved to TN without a job?

How long were you suffering that neck pain before strangers gave you $40,000 to get needed medical care after your husband decided to drop medical insurance?

Or when your grandchildren were living without electricity in AZ?

How well did you sleep when that same daughter was giving birth unassisted? (Beka writes as ForeverGirl about halfway down the page.)

Are the “Pleasures and Honors of Being a Queen” worth this kind of shit?

If you need help due to abuse, call 1-800-799-HELP (7233) or (if you have access to a computer that your partner does not), go to www.thehotline.com

AntiPearl: “Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.” 
― Lao Tzu

 

Introduction | Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 |Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | 

Part 7 |  Part 8 | Part 9 | Part 10 | Part 11 | Part 12 | Part 13

Part 14 | Part 15 | Part 16 | Part 17 | Part 18 | Part 19Part 20

Part 21 | Part 22 | Part 23 | Part 24

Read everything by Mel!

Mel is a science teacher who works with at-risk teens and lives on a dairy farm with her husband. She blogs at When Cows and Kids Collide

Comments open below

NLQ Recommended Reading …

Quiverfull: Inside the Christian Patriarchy Movement by Kathryn Joyce

13:24 – A Story of Faith and Obsession by M Dolon Hickmon


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  • Brennan
  • Independent Thinker

    One of the common threads among modern royalty is social responsibility and volunteerism. If your husband wants to pretend he is royalty wouldn’t a good start be to participate in community service projects?

  • Freebird

    Debi Pearl’s “advice” reads more like a survival guide for marriage to an abuser when one has no hope of divorce. She has made all sorts of excuses for Michael in her own mind to justify what she does to survive. Unfortunately she is in a position to have a platform to other women in which she shares her sickness. It is very likely she does not see or understand this. I read all 4 parts to the “king” articles and it was very traumatizing. For 20 years I was married to a “king” otherwise known as a narcissist. I grew up with another “king” as a father. Lets just call these men Big Babies. Big Babies can not handle equality, at all times they must be the one with the upper hand. Neither my father or husband ever hit me. My father yelled and intimidated; at the tender and naive age of 19, I thought my fiance was not abusive because he did not scream at people in anger and did not have the same issues my dad did. Which resulted in me constantly apologizing and not recognizing abuse that was under my nose for years. He rarely yelled but I was under constant pressure which manifested as an anxiety disorder. My needs were rarely considered when Big Baby was feeling like i hadn’t given enough “love, respect, attention.” Even if I had been without sleep for days with sick babies and children. I could never give enough sex, no matter how much he was always crying that I wasn’t keeping up with his needs. My needs were neverConsidered. I was told that as a woman I was lucky because I could just lay there and he would do all the work, so why was I complaining. My body did not belong to me, he grabbed me wherever he felt like when he felt like it, and my years of protest and request for him to respect my feelings on the subject fell on deaf ears, he would say that my body was no longer my own (see Bible) and that this is how he expresses affection. It killed off my love for him. After many years he finally allowed us to get a family dog, the first mammal pet I had had since leaving my parents house. But he abused the dog when he showed affection for me, claiming the dog wasn’t giving him enough respect. He was also a huge ass when it came to my medical care, the births of his children were marred by his excessive self centeredness during my labors when I needed support, and the last time I was hospitalized overnight, he suggested I find my own way home because I was being selfish to ask him to use a day of his precious vacation time. Because I wasn’t being hit, i was not being economically isolated and i was allowed to have friends (though friendships were constantly sabotaged by him but I found that out much later); I did not think I was abused. I thought he was an insensitive jerk who treated me like an inconsiderately but not flat out abused like my older sister who has been systematically isolated in many ways and abused in ways that are more classically recognized. I tend to have a habit of discounting my feelings and telling myself that I’m overreacting. I’m writing mostly for catharsis. I read the first three parts yesterday and cried like a baby, even now as I just passed the two year anniversary of leaving.

  • Serena763

    He sounds like a huge d*ck turd.

  • Nea

    It IS a survival guide for someone who can’t divorce an abuser.

  • Nea

    Bullet List of Bullcrap!

    They will be very objective, very unemotional

    Citation needed. “This is a great idea and don’t you whine about it” is neither objective nor unemotional. (Note: This is the second time Debi’s basically said that emotions are bad. Because nobody’s allowed to be upset or even worried in fundieland, even when they’re trying to figure out how to serve a kingly meal of donated cabbage and cat food.)

    Their vision is like a man looking from a high mountain, focused on the distant goal.

    Which means it’s so incredibly far away that they can see neither details nor a clear path. Seriously, Debi just tried to turn “pie in the sky” into a virtue!

    The King’s wife needs to help him remember individuals’ needs.”

    Just as long as wifey does it the King’s way. You know, totally “unemotionally,” prepared to take “hell no” for an answer, and most of all very, Very, VERY rarely.

    King may want to command, but that right there makes him a shit leader. Totally shit. And this makes the offal stink even more: A Kingly Man will be most uncomfortable and at a loss when dealing with the sick, helpless and dying. Where there is no hope, there will be no need for a King

    OP has dealt with how Debi has had to live that in her life, so I’m going to move on to my main rant:

    Let us not mince words. Michael’s definition of a King is a guy who does not give a damn about any of his followers. He doesn’t care about their needs and he’s going to cut them loose right when they need him because it is so, SO much more important that His Royal Majesty not spend a nanosecond being uncomfortable about the people who work to make *him* comfortable.

    Men like that don’t actually get to lead very much. Oh, dictators can get away with it… right up to the revolution at least… but you’ll notice that historically speaking, the long-term royal dynasties are short on the “I’ve got mine, fuck you” attitude lest they also be short a head.

    And people who go into the military or the police thinking they are more important than the rest of their shift/platoon/partner tend to get marooned in the lower ranks forever, if they’re not promptly, unapologetically, run right back out again. “Well, I know that he was wounded, but of course I wasn’t going to go fetch him from the battlefield. That would have been very uncomfortable for me. Especially because he was being just so emotional about those wounds, too. There wasn’t any hope for him, not really, so why should I bother?” said no soldier EVER.

    What Michael forgets, in his world of wives-are-helpmeets and grow-your-own-field-slaves is that out in the real world, partners and shipmates and shiftmates and platoonmates aren’t just people, they’re valuable people in which the government has invested serious money training and supporting. Even if the higher echelons aren’t that fussed about the individual person, they’re focused like a laser on not wasting that investment.

  • Joy

    I am SO PROUD of you for gaining the courage to leave. Good for you! *standing up and applauding you and your courage* You are, indeed, a Freebird!

  • Anonyme

    ‘If you marry a King, don’t be offended if he shirks being with the sick or weak.”’.
    Maybe it was my imagination, but I thought Jesus told his disciples, and decent people in general, to visit the sick. Also, capitalizing ‘king’ refers to a specific king such as ‘King Aragorn’ or in Christianity, refers to God/Jesus. Grammar fail and/or idol worship of your husband, anyone?

    Also, isn’t it enough that you serve your ‘king’ a decent meal? Or does it have to be made and served to Gordon Ramsey’s specifics? I’m autistic and while I’d never use it as an excuse for sloppiness, I do have ‘challenges’ when it comes to following directions and carrying them out. You should see me try to cook pasta, which is supposed to be easy.

  • Freebird

    I guess that “in sickness and in health” part of the vows doesn’t apply when it comes from a “King husband” towards a wife. I’m sure though when the “King” is sick major catering is in order. *Barf!!* Debi had Stockholm Syndrome and part of me feels very angry toward her and the other part really pitied her for the double trap of the patriarchal evangelical culture and her abused psyche. I know many women who are striving with the heavy yoke of always trying to beat down their will in order to fit some perfect stereotype of female submission and wifey/ motherly image that helps neither them or others.

  • Immerito

    I wish I could up-vote this more than once….

  • Trollface McGee

    “Kings usually like fine meals served on time and in good order. If you are an especially fine cook, your gifts will be greatly appreciated”
    That sounds like my cat. Except he’s furry and purrs and gives me nuzzles and can’t cook and doesn’t have thumbs to open the fridge, so he gets a pass. A person who is not a cat should be able to at least nuke themselves something.

    “Kings like to talk about their plans, ideas, and unfinished projects. They will be very objective, very unemotional, and not enjoy small talk”
    In other words, they don’t act like human beings and/or are incapable of normal human interaction. I don’t know a single king, even including the really dumb ones, who wouldn’t be thoroughly schooled in the art of diplomacy.

    “If you marry a King, don’t be offended if he shirks being with the sick or weak.”
    Yeah, we got it, he’s an asshole. Why are we marrying an asshole again?

    “A born leader is a man who can, when necessary, adapt the principles or rules to the circumstance for the greater good of the greatest number of people”
    How does this jive with letting your wife and children live without electricity, forced to eat animal feed and abusing your own children? Greater good my ass.

  • Saraquill

    Perhaps this hypothetical husband wants to be violently overthrown?

  • B.E. Miller

    Glad that you finally left him. *applause* Sending you hugs and best wishes for a great and glorious future.

  • Aimee Shulman

    Especially considering the whole “the hands of a king are the hands of a healer” thing that was such a big deal in the third book

  • Astrin Ymris

    Congratulations on your second anniversary of leaving him! And many more. 😀

    Is “constantly feeling the need to apologize” on the list of abusive relationship red flags? If not, it should be.

  • ConcepcionImmaculadaPantalones

    “Kings usually like fine meals served on time and in good order. If
    you are an especially fine cook, your gifts will be greatly
    appreciated. A Kingly Man is not one to help out in the kitchen.”

    If they want a fine meal served at a specific time in a specific way, they should know that if they’re not doing anything to help in the kitchen they will eat what I make, when I make it, without complaints. In fact, they will eat it and tell me how much they like my cooking or else.

  • Astrin Ymris

    I immediately thought of Aragorn also! ;-D

  • Freebird

    I agree, constantly feeling the need to apologize to others for things they should apologize to you for, might be a sign one is codependent to an abuser, IMO. I do thst all the time, someone steps on my foot and I instinctively apologize for being in their way.

    Constantly apologizing for, making excuses for and smoothing things over for another person might also be a sign. For years I did this, without much thought about it until the end of our relationship. I always pictures him as the fun, likeable, can do person and me as the big nagging frigid stick in the mud. Now that I am away, friendships are coming back, it wasnt me they wanted nothing to do with, it was him but when married we are a package. People he dealt with in the past, thst I now had to deal with were telling me he was the most difficult customer they ever had to deal with. Even his own family took my side.

    His downfall was he “let” me go to college because he wanted more influx of income. At the time my self esteem in the area of education and work was shot, I had been home with kids for about 7-8 years. But I started acheiving A’s in all my classes, even science and I sailed through a degree in the medical field, graduating with honors. My new friends liked me and did not suddenly get weird and drift away. My new coworkers at a terrific place of employment, were the same. My friends in college though noticed what a sabotaging jerk my husband was, it opened my eyes.

  • Astrin Ymris

    Re: “…I do thst all the time, someone steps on my foot and I instinctively apologize for being in their way…”

    You just described me!

    Maybe there’s a reason I spent most of the weekend immersed in a ‘Supernatural’ fanfiction pointing out the textbook abusive/codependent relationship patterns among the Winchesters. I literally couldn’t stop reading, even though it was below my usual “production values” standards for fanfic. Despite the flaws and exagerations, the writer captured something very true about the Winchester brothers’ relationships.

  • Had something rolling around in my head this morning and I had to post it, just to see what you guys thought…

    …the problem inherent in creating a list of “types” of people is that human beings are inherently complex. No one human being will ever be solely any one “type”, other than the “type” that is solely themselves. Keep in mind that the person you are seeking to spend your life with is going to exhibit traits of any number of different “types” at different times. This is a guideline, not a rulebook…

    The Monarch: The Monarch is a person who embodies leadership. These individuals are seemingly blessed with the ability to create consensus among disparate groups, oftentimes leading by example. They see the value in individuals and in the necessities of group identity. The Monarch is gifted at both compromise and at standing their ground when the issue at stake is of vital importance to them.

    The Monarch is gifted in offering comfort to those around them, and in fact often shows traits of The Healer or perhaps The Parent as well in this ability to comfort and succor the sick and the dying.

    Caveat: If the person you are seeking to spend your life with insists that you treat them as a Monarch, in fact as THE Monarch of your life, and is uncomfortable with comforting the sick and dying, you do not have a Monarch. You have a Narcissist and that individual is not one you need to spend your life partnered to because that individual will never, themselves, truly *be* a partner. Get out of that relationship with all haste.

    Whaddya think?

  • gimpi1

    Perhaps Mr. and Mrs. Pearl are unaware of the tradition of King Sacrifice? Well, they’re all in favor of tradition… Michael as Wicker Man?