Preparing To Be A Help Meet: The King Part 5

Preparing To Be A Help Meet: The King Part 5 August 14, 2014

joffreynamedayby Mel cross posted from her blog When Cows and Kids Collide

Ah, yes.  The portion of the chapter where Debi poisons the well.  Oddly enough, she seems conflicted during this section.  Debi seems torn between toeing the party line about “Your husband is always right!” and admitting that mothers may know what is best – especially when mom is trying to extricate her daughter from an abusive husband.

“Mama Says He’s a Dud
If your father is a gentle, kind man, and if your mother has always been … how shall we say it … a little dominant, then what I am about to teach you might save your future marriage. “

By crushing you.  And your mom.  



“When you marry, or even while you are in courtship, your forceful mother will not appreciate or understand your dominant King betrothed.  She might say he lacks humility, which indicates his lack of spirituality. If it is clearly apparent to all that he does indeed love and honor God, then she will simply say he is arrogant and selfish.  As the Kingly type, he may be a little overbearing.  It goes with the territory. He will expect service, and will assume you will jump with all joy just to do his bidding.  It is his nature.”

Boy, why isn’t such a great catch like him married already?  Quick, girls!  Snatch him up before he gets away.

“If you are unwise, you will be swayed by your mother’s scorn.  Don’t let it happen to you! “

*listens for the splash of the poison in the well.”

 “If you are wise, you will recognize that your mother measures all men by your father’s Priestly nature.  To her a good man is gentle, kind, and considerate.  Through her eyes, you will see only the negative side of your husband’s type, and it will cause you to become critical of him, too.”

Be wise.  RUN AWAY!

“Be patient with her.  She is honoring your dad by measuring all men according to him, but your King man will walk a different path.”

FYI: You don’t have to go down that path.  Let him go alone.  You’ll be better off for it.

“Right now, if you know that your thoughtful soft-spoken daddy is a Priestly type and your mama has always sort of ruled the roost, then you will need to make a document much like you did in the chapter on the Prophet-type man.  This one will need to be more personal than the first one your wrote concerning the Prophet man because it will be read by you (who are probably a gentle heart) and by your forceful mom.”

Notice how you didn’t have to write anything for the Priest Man?  That type is sane.  Go find a PRIEST type.

“Take a pretty piece of paper and write a letter to yourself, to be read sometime in the future when you are finding it difficult to submit to your dominant man.  Explain to yourself this potential problem and how you will respond to it when it arises.  Make some real commitments.  Date the document. Put this document in your Treasure Chest.  “

Speaking as a teacher, that is the worst writing prompt ever.  What the heck are you supposed to write?

Dear FutureMel,

Hi!  Someday, you might find it hard to submit to your dominant husband – the one you haven’t met yet.  Sometimes it is hard to submit.  I think that I should submit to him.  I commit to submit to him.  This is really important to PastMel and should be important to FutureMel.

Sincerely,

PastMel

If you do decide to write this letter, turn the paper over and write the following bit on the back in BIG LETTERS:

If I am reading this letter to you, Mom, I have serious concerns about my marriage that I am afraid to bring up.

Please don’t give up on me.  I need your support to get out of here. 

www.thehotline.org  can help.

“Someday – sooner than you think – you will be married.  There will be a time when you are discouraged with your demanding husband and you will say something negative about him to your mom.  She will take the opportunity to tell you what has “been on her heart”.    Showing it to your mother will, hopefully, change her heart as well.”

*Splash! Second dose of poison hits the water*

Let your mom read the back of the letter.  You can use a Mama Bear on your side right now.

“Keep in mind that your mother is not the enemy.  She is Mom.  She is the one who cared for you when you were sickly; she is the one who believed in you when you were down.  She is the one who would have given her very life for you, but, because she is Mom, she will be the first to speak out when she thinks you might be hurting.  Treasure her for the wonderful friend that she is, but remember, once you are married your allegiance changes. “

That’s one conflicted paragraph. 

It’s a good thing that Mom’s allegiance doesn’t change.  Remember that she is probably seeing the situation more clearly than you.

“Right at the beginning of the Bible, God tells us, “and thy desire shall be to thy husband and he shall rule over thee” (Genesis 3:16)

That’s not the whole verse. (Again.)  

16 To the woman he said,
“I will greatly increase your pangs in childbearing;
    in pain you shall bring forth children,
yet your desire shall be for your husband,
    and he shall rule over you.”

In short: This is what happened because of the Fall, not as a part of God’s original plan.

“One day you will be Mom to a grown daughter, and in that day you will understand the protective instinct your mother has for you.  Until then, be wise, be loving, be patient with your mother, and stand by your man.”

Unless he’s a “King”.  If he is, get out now!


If you need help, call 1-800-799-HELP (7233) or (if you have access to a computer that your partner does not), go to www.thehotline.com

AntiPearl: I think God made a woman to be strong and not to be trampled under the feet of men. I’ve always felt this way because my mother was a very strong woman, without a husband.

Introduction | Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 |Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | 

Part 7 |  Part 8 | Part 9 | Part 10 | Part 11 | Part 12 | Part 13

Part 14 | Part 15 | Part 16 | Part 17 | Part 18 | Part 19Part 20

Part 21 | Part 22 | Part 23 | Part 24 | Part 25

Read everything by Mel!

Mel is a science teacher who works with at-risk teens and lives on a dairy farm with her husband. She blogs at When Cows and Kids Collide

Comments open below

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What Are Your Thoughts?leave a comment
  • Evelyn

    “To her a good man is gentle, kind, and considerate.”

    I just wanted to point out that a good man is indeed gentle, kind, and considerate. A male who is rough, unkind, and inconsiderate is generally referred to as an @sshole.

  • Nea

    My, what a detailed description of mother/daughter dynamics. It almost sounds like a concerned parent worried about her daughter never getting over the guy she got a crush on at 13 despite him waving enough red flags for a Chinese Pride parade.

    … I wonder where Debi would have witnessed that…

  • Trollface McGee

    This creeps me out. If people genuinely care about someone and they see them in a relationship with a King Jerk type, they should speak up, not just mom and dad but other family, friends – this kind of advice saves lives, it shouldn’t be ignored – and Debi teaches the girl to shut it out and ignore it because after all, why miss out on all the misery Debi has had – Being abused and belittled is what every girls dreams of when she dreams about marriage.

  • ConcepcionImmaculadaPantalones

    When I was dating a guy who was definitely not good for me and very abusive, my dad told me that he wouldn’t walk me down the aisle if I married that guy because he couldn’t live with himself if he were to give the kind of non-verbal endorsement that walking me down the aisle would have been. He didn’t say that it was anyone else’s choice but mine, but conveyed to me that he thought of me – his only daughter – as precious and valuable as a person.

    And my mom isn’t domineering in the least, while my dad would be considered a “Priest type”…and their relationship does exist despite what Debi thinks or believes.

  • KarenH

    In deference to Debi, perhaps “His Majesty, King Asshole.”

  • Astrin Ymris

    I think Debi considers every woman who isn’t abjectly submissive to be “domineering”.

  • Michael, right?

  • ConcepcionImmaculadaPantalones

    It’s a little sad that in Debi’s worldview, women are one or the other, and anyone in between is nonexistent.

  • KarenH

    Right

  • Rebecca Horne

    Well SOMEBODY has to be ruling, right?! Anything else would be inconceivable!

  • gimpi1

    “As the Kingly type, he may be a little overbearing. It goes with the territory. He will expect service, and will assume you will jump with all joy just to do his bidding. It is his nature.”

    You know what? It may be the nature of some people (men and women) to bully, to expect to be waited on, to be arrogant and overbearing, but it’s also a choice. Truly a choice, unlike some of the things the Pearls think are choices. For instance, I have a bad temper. I have spent years working to control it, meditating to lower my emotional thermostat, developing mental exercises to stop myself from lashing out, learning what sort of things can make me lose control and how to avoid them. I made a choice not to allow my nature to drive my actions. It was the right choice.

    The “kings” Mrs. Pearl goes on and on about have that same choice. They can work to develop empathy. They can make a conscious decision to develop, if not humility, then respect for others. They can learn that the rest of the world does not exist to serve their needs. They can put some effort into overcoming their squeamishness about sickness and disability. In other words, they can damn well grow up. That would be the right choice.

    If someone chooses to remain a bully, any reasonably sane mother would try to persuade their daughter to stay the heck away from them. They will run roughshod over the people in their lives, and tell them to like it. You know, like Mr. Pearl.

  • gimpi1

    Because “excluded middle” isn’t a logical fallacy to Mrs. Pearl, it’s the 11th Commandment.

  • ConcepcionImmaculadaPantalones

    Well, since you mention it….NO! 😉

    I am perfectly ok with being the dictator/supreme ruler of casa concepcionimmaculada. My dog is an appropriately worshipful (she’s even slavishly devoted to the worship of me, the bringer of food and taker on-er of walks.) subject. But my total domination over all things stops and I have to be at least moderately concerned and respectful of other people and their possibly different views/beliefs…once I’m no longer within the walls of the casa C.I.

  • Astrin Ymris

    CI and gimpi1,

    Isn’t “splitting” like that a symptom of some personality disorders? (I’d look it up, but I want to get through my in-box finally.)

    ;-D