Quoting Quiverfull: Talking To Your Wife?

Quoting Quiverfull: Talking To Your Wife? August 6, 2014

talkingtowifeby Adam Gregorin from his blog Minthegap.com – So What’s There to Talk About? Review of Lou Priolo’s book “The Complete Husband”

(Editor’s Note: Remember this guy? He had the website IsThisModest.com with the hundreds of photos contained flimsy-dressed teenagers under the guise of clucking over their lack of modesty..Yeah, he is back, but without the Christian Man Porn of immodest photos.)

 

So, practically, this means that we, as husbands, need to be talking to our wives.  If you need a handful of suggestions about what to talk about, he provides a few:

  1. Bible Doctrine – Does your wife feel comfortable talking with you about what the Bible says?  Asking you questions?

  2. Your home – It’s the “base of operations” for your wife’s ministry.  “The condition and appearance of your home is probably more important to her than you realize.”

  3. The children – Dad, your (sic) the manager in the home, and you’re the one ultimately responsible.  You should be talking about your children.

  4. Your job – Since she’s your helper she may be able to help you better if she knows what’s gone on during your day– no matter how much you don’t want to talk about it.

  5. Her family (your in-laws) – There have been many Biblical conflicts that had inlaws at the center of them.  You need to have Biblical conversations about her family and their influence.

  6. Her friends – Do you care about who she chooses as friends?  They can influence her for good or evil.  You have an outside view in, you should be giving her the benefit of your perspective.

  7. Her ministries (inside and outside of the home) – “Life is a ministry.”  Are you encouraging her to minister outside the home?  Are you helping her discover her gifts for service?

  8. Her goals for the future – Personal goals, goals of mutual interest, and other goals she has should be exciting for us as well.

  9. Specific ways you can be a better husband and father – Again with the humility.  But then again, she is a helper, and has a perspective that we don’t.  “When was the last time you asked you wife for her evaluation of how you’re doing in these areas?”

  10. Things you do which bother her – This topic is guaranteed to provide you hours of interesting discussion.

QUOTING QUIVERFULL is a regular feature of NLQ – we present the actual words of noted Quiverfull leaders or their followers/enforcers and ask our readers: What do you think? Agree? Disagree? This is the place to state your opinion. Please, let’s keep it respectful – but at the same time, we encourage readers to examine the ideas of Quiverfull honestly and thoughtfully.

Comments open below

NLQ Recommended Reading …

Quiverfull: Inside the Christian Patriarchy Movement by Kathryn Joyce

13:24 – A Story of Faith and Obsession by M Dolon Hickmon

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What Are Your Thoughts?leave a comment
  • But what about talking with your wife?

  • Joy

    If you don’t know what to talk about with your wife, your marriage is screwed. You’d better start talking with her – and a marriage counsellor.

  • KarenH

    That’s just crazy talk, Melissia.

  • Nea

    As insulting as the idea that he has to spell out in very small words how to show basic interest in your wife as a human being is, I’m seeing a large red flag waving at the idea that hubby gets to judge her friends and another even larger and redder at the idea that only HER parents and “their influence” are issues to discuss.

    Their. Influence. Because God forbid that the people who presumably loved, protected, and raised her get to keep tabs on how well hubby is treating her!

  • Rachel Heston-Davis

    Here’s my reactions to these 10 bullet points:

    1. I notice the assumption is that the man knows more about the Bible than the woman.

    2. The assumption? Every wife is called by God to do the exact same ministry, so the home is always her default zone.

    3. Bahaha! Dads, you’re ultimately responsible for your kids, so talk about them after your wife gets done doing all the work for them.

    4. Eh, not much here, just the assumption that it’s the dad working and the mom at home.

    5.How do you have a Biblical conversation about in-laws? For real. I don’t even know what that means. (Also, is this insinuating that her family might bring trouble or cause conflict? What about the guy’s family? They’re in-laws too).

    6. I guess this article assumes that women are too stupid to choose friends who have a good influence on them, and that men automatically know how to do that better than women do. Plus, controlling much?

    7. Encouraging her to minister outside the home? But then why did we earlier assume her ministry was IN the home?

    8. I actually agree with this one. Spouses should get excited about each other’s goal.

    9. Why does a wife’s unique perspective always have to be predicated on the fact that she’s a “helper”? This “helper” business is starting to make her sound like a dust-buster; something to be whipped out at a convenient moment when your work needs a little boost.

    10.Things that bother her, you mean like adhering to all the above-listed attitudes? Yes, hours of interesting discussion indeed.

  • Brennan

    This one is a weird mix of stuff that could be interpreted as good advice (encourage her in her goals! Ask her what she thinks! Look for ways to make her life easier!) with stuff that could be used in horrifically controlling ways (Isolate her from her family and friends in the name of avoiding conflict, criticize the way she’s raising “your” children, tell her exactly what to think on every theological issue). And some of the advice could be taken either way. Where one father asks his wife how the parent-teacher conference went and how they can better help Johnny with his schoolwork, another demands that she pull him out of school and takes her to task for not beating him enough. And, of course, all the advice is based on the premise that the sun, moon, and stars all revolve around the “patriarch” and that the wife exists primarily in relation to him.

  • Allison the Great

    This article that this man wrote should actually be called “Talking to your sex slave: why it’s important” and “Why the hell would someone talk to their wife? She’s lame and doesn’t know anything”

  • Allison the Great

    It’s like these couples don’t even like each other apart from being married and “fulfilling their duties” as wife or husband. They love the role more than the actual person who fills the role. I know I’ve mentioned this before, but this proves it.

  • Independent Thinker

    Sorry, but number 2 is greatly tied to the family’s income. My house has nice things like a dishwasher and carpet cleaning machine which makes the things I do to keep my home clean much easier. My home would not look as nice if I spent hours a day washing dishes and had to scrub stains in the carpet by hand.

  • Astrin Ymris

    Re: “…And, of course, all the advice is based on the premise that the sun,
    moon, and stars all revolve around the “patriarch” and that the wife
    exists primarily in relation to him…”

    Basically, that’s the CPM position in a nutshell: Women’s only reason for existing is to be an amenity to some man. Whether it’s by “relieving his needs” sexually, providing him with offspring to be a patriarch over, or being his domestic servant, a woman is viewed solely in regards to how well she does or doesn’t please “her” man. Or the man she was assigned to, at any rate.

  • Astrin Ymris

    Re: Bullet Point # 6–

    That’s a coded way of warning men to make sure their wife has no interaction with people who might give her egalitarian ideas, or make her start doubting the party line.

  • In other words, the godly, but potentially emotionally and physically abusive man seeks to separate his wife from her family and her friends.

  • Nea

    It really does show that, doesn’t it? Funny, I thought courtship,was supposed to show you true love to a whole person. And yet all this advice pretty much presupposes that you’re stuck with someone you don’t know, don’t like, and can’t leave.

  • Nea

    So much fundamentalist advice implies a certain base amount of money. But then implies that the wife is not worth spending money on unless the thing purchased has direct benefit to the husband and not the woman who spends most of her time there.

  • Trollface McGee

    Things to talk about with Adam Gregorin:
    1. Shapes, colours, numbers – perhaps suggest “See Spot Run” the man seems pretty dim
    2. His future career goals, accomplishments, where he seems himself in five years – because job interviews are fun and normal conversations should emulate them
    3. Has he mowed the lawn, fixed the toaster? Passive-aggressive nagging provides hours of fun conversation.
    4. His family and friends – never miss an opportunity to isolate and make someone more vulnerable plus extra passive-aggressive rage fun!
    5. That perhaps he should seek counselling because as an adult he doesn’t seem to understand how conversations between people who should know each other well work
    Whatever you do, don’t discuss anything like religion, politics, science, his pretty little(very little) brain might explode.

  • Astrin Ymris

    Yep! And none of the CPM leaders care, as long as the couple dutifully produces a large batch of future tithers cum Dominionist voters.

    That’s what the whole aim of the system is. “Personal happiness” is not a thing to them.

  • gimpi1

    Yes, it all seems so contrived. As though they are playing a roll in a play. Follow the script, don’t improvise, hit your marks, watch your timing. Nothing about the individuals involved. Nothing about their lives, their hopes, their differences, their similarities, their shared goals. Just play the part you’ve been assigned, based on your genitals. How predictable. How dull.

  • Hannah

    Also noteworthy on #3? Talk *about* your kids. Don’t talk TO them, just ABOUT them. Because acknowledging their existence is all it takes to make a good father, dontcha know? *gag*

  • Petticoat Philosopher

    Some of these give me the creeps for the usual reasons–wanting to control her relationships with friends and family? Yikes! And some of them just make me sad because what they show is that this formulaic view of marriage and relationships so completely ignores compatibility and kills spontaneity that there is apparently a need for instructions to talk to your spouse about things like one’s day and personal dreams and goals.

  • Everyone’s already said most of what I was going to say, but a few additional thoughts:

    1. She is the “helper.” Therefore, although it’s fine to talk about her goals, the husband need not do anything to support or help her achieve any of them. She is supposed to be supporting and helping achieve his goals.

    2. She apparently is supposed to “minister” outside the home, but apparently isn’t allowed to have any fun there. Not, at any rate, with husband-unapproved friends or family members.

    3. There isn’t the hint of an idea that she might know more than he does about the Bible, or that he might want to ask her questions. So he’d better marry a woman who knows less about the Bible than he does, to start with. And this, of course, makes it fairly pointless for single women to spend a lot of time studying the Bible, despite what the “preparing for marriage” books say. Because knowing too much about the Bible means you might become unmarriageable.

  • Astrin Ymris

    And as for talking WITH your kids– that’s apparently not even on the radar in CPM-land. Patriarchs TELL kids what they’re going to think about everything; they don’t ask for their opinions!

  • Allison the Great

    Of course, we’re the “help-meets” read: the help. That’s why I find the term “help-meet” to be so derogatory. It reduces female human beings to being nothing but “the help” and that’s the only reason we exist. This term all by it’s itty bitty self makes us interchangeable, like the maid. It doesn’t matter who is filling the role as long as it gets filled.

  • Allison the Great

    I would love to have these ignorant, childish men be faced with female college professors, scientists and the like. Imagine what the conversation would be like between Marie Curie and someone like this. I’d get the popcorn, that would be so fucking entertaining. I would like to see these men getting “talked down to” by women who are absolute geniuses.

  • Allison the Great

    This guy would have to find someone who is “chicken of the sea” stupid if he wants to marry someone who knows less than he does.

  • Nea

    Debi Pearl is pretty explicit that women shouldn’t develop opinions, personalities, dreams, or autonomy, because they don’t know which husband they’ll get assigned.

  • Nea

    Rachel Maddow has tried and got patted on the head and told that it was lovely how passionate she was but she was totes wrong.

    When she called him out on that, he just talked over her.

  • Allison the Great

    Just be a robot, in case he doesn’t like you. You might even get less abuse if you just be whatever he wants you to be.

  • Allison the Great

    And let me guess, the loud asshole didn’t know what the hell he was talking about.

  • Nea

    More that he had a vested political reason to hew to the party line instead of observable reality.

  • Lucreza Borgia

    Ah but this guy is all about betrothal which is a lot less involved than courtship.