They used to say in music that when Weird Al parodied your song you’d officially ‘made’ it. I guess the same might be true in Christianity when Landover Baptist (a parody site) turns their gaze to you. This week Landover pubished two very humorous takes on Vyckie’s speech “The Good Patriarch” Posting both below. The first was on the front page of Landover earlier in the week before going to the archives in the forums.
First – by Mary Eltheldreda – Now The Truth Explosed!
Vyckie Garrison’s raunchy article, How Playing Good Christian Housewife Almost Killed Me (I mean really, can this woman go for 20 seconds without referring to s*x?) has become a viral sensation overnight, offering a kind of verbal weapon to persecute True Christians™ everywhere (“Ermerged! Christianity is so oppressive!”). As a proud, devout, Spirit-led, Quiverful mother myself, I wanted to set the story straight and expose the truth from the lie (Romans 1:25).
Garrison’s article starts with a reverse ad hominem attack. Rather than reduce the perception of her character, she attempts to increase the value of her character by suggesting she was a devout, Bible-believing Christian and the mother of seven homeschooled children, married 16 years, helping her husband publish a newspaper for families on a similar path. For all we know, she’s lying about helping with the newspaper, and she simply cannot have been a Bible-believing Christian because she clearly does not understand the Bible in context. She believed in her own interpretation of the Bible which is NOT the same thing as believing in God’s interpretation of the Bible (which is what happens when you actually believe the Bible – you believe God says what He means, and means what He says).
After much prayer and contemplation myself, the Holy Ghost has led me to the right conclusion: Vicky Garrison is simply advertising for her new hobby, Lesbian Abortion Competition. Lesbians have competitions with one another to have sex with as many virile men as possible so they can have abortions. She hopes that by increasing her public image, she can raise more lesbians through her “sex liberation” blog called No Longer Quivering. The greater the competitors, the more glory the “winners” get. How apropos a title, she’ll note ironically, when she quivers for eternity tormented by Satan and his minions. Let her spend her time on earth trying to taunt the Sweet and Perfect and Completely Innocent Baby Jesus by rejecting Him just so she can collect orgasms and babies to kill in the womb. God will have His justice. In the meantime, I don’t have to sit quietly while her lies are promoted as some kind of courageous act of defiance against a powerful tyrant.
And lies they are. Let’s look at her article closely, shall we?
|I went there for help in filing a restraining order against my husband, whose emotional and mental abuse against me and my children had escalated to the point that I was in the midst of a complete mental and physical breakdown. He had taken 6 of our 7 children to a town three hours from our home and was preventing me from having any contact with them unless I agreed to his terms for our “reconciliation.”|
What abuse? The husband never lays a hand on her, as per her own statements. Maybe that’s his first mistake, neglecting Christian Discipline. He never abuses the kids. She has a mental breakdown. She can’t take the stress so she blames him. Maybe she should have seen a doctor about PMS. That can mess some women up pretty good when their hormones get all out of whack. Some women get suddenly pissy and self-righteous for no reason. Then again, maybe Satan’s demons were using her hormones like puppet strings. He can do that you know. I just know the whole thing sounds fishy to me. Anyone can see it’s an excuse to collect Satan’s orgasms without feeling guilty about enjoying abortions.
|The Bible commands husbands to “love your wives as Christ loved the church.” That’s the sort of godly man I was married to: a true patriarch who ruled his home according to God’s principles for marriage and family.|
So here she is setting the stage to make Christianity the evil empire. Her husband (the abusive one she’s desperate to escape) is a good man, he’s just “following orders.” The reader is immediately Goodwined through subtle implication and insinuation, and led to believe the True Christian™ husband is no less horrible for following orders than the Nazi stooge (Deuteronomy 6:5; John 14:15). Of course this rhetoric never would have been published when president Reagan was in the White House. This could only work today when being a Christian is so vilified by society that simply by following the Holy Bible is one considered guilty and must prove their innocence.
|But unlike fundamentalist Mormons who tend to congregate in just a few places in Utah, Arizona, Texas, etc., you will find Quiverfull families in nearly all types of churches in every community. This is because Quiverfull is not a denomination, with a creed to sign and a church to join. And it’s not technically a cult in the strict sense of having one central leader … instead, Quiverfull is a mindset (a very powerful head trip) in which each family becomes a cult unto itself with Daddy enshrined as the supreme Patriarch.
Let’s take her emotional pleading out of the picture and rewrite what she’s trying to hide. What we’re left with is nothing less than God’s Truth©:
But unlike fundamentalist Mormons who tend to congregate in just a few places in Utah, Arizona, Texas, etc., you will find Quiverfull families in nearly all types of churches in every community. This is because Quiverfull is not a denomination, with a creed to sign and a church to join. And it’s not a cult in the strict sense of having one central leader … instead, Quiverfull is a the LORD’s Own design for marriage in which each family becomes a unit of worship with Father trusted to be the mediator between Jesus and his wife, as Jesus is the mediator between God and man (1 Timothy 2:5; 1 Corinthians 11:3).
Without all the scary words, it’s not so bad, is it? In fact, it’s what you might expect to find to hear preached at any Bible-believing church on Sunday.
|The reason you can find Quiverfull families in nearly every type of Christian congregation is because Quiverfull beliefs are not actually a radical departure from traditional Christian teachings regarding marriage and family. It is my contention that Quiverfull IS regular Christianity writ large … lived out to its logical conclusion.|
Well, she’s got that right. Traditionally, Christians were taught from the Bible, not from liberal seminarian student blogs and sermons for sale. The Quiverfull idea is a Biblical one (Psalm 127:3-5). It’s not a radical departure from Christianity to stand firm in the foundation of Christianity. Living the Bible out to it’s logical conclusion is the very command Jesus implores of His followers (James 2:10).
So why does Garrison try and make the Christianity, and by extension Christ Himself, this oppressive, abusive, controlling, outmoded, archaic, morally depleted superstition? The answer can only be one thing. Satan temped her with orgasm, and now she wants to hook kids on sex, promote lesbianism, persecute True Christians™, and all patriotic, white, “cis-males,” to order usher in some horrifying Amazonian Justice Warrior Society era in which Jesus and all His devoted followers are openly targeted. In this socity, only select men (small, effeminate ones) will be allowed to be breeders for the New World Order.
It’s just the exact opposite of what a True Christian™ would do. We normally start off with an ad ipsum (against oneself): “I used to be a drug dealer/ homosexual/ evolutionist/ atheist — but when Jesus came into my life . . .”
I also think we need to fight back against this feminist propaganda with a Christian alternative to the power and control wheel, so I’ve come up with the Love Wheel™, a tool for showing unsaved women what agape love is and what they’re missing out on. Many of the things on this wheel apply equally to men in their relationship with Jesus, for Jesus is to the Christian man what the Christian husband is to the Christian wife (Eph 5:23-24).
Humility: Yea, also the heart of the sons of men is full of evil, and madness is in their heart while they live, and after that they go to the dead. — Eccl 9:3b
Evolution teaches that we came from monkeys. No wonder so many children these days have self-esteem issues! The Bible, however, teaches that we’re special. We came from dirt (Gen 2:7). Yet we shouldn’t let that get to our heads.
In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread, till thou return unto the ground; for out of it wast thou taken: for dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return. — Gen 3:19
Fear: But I will forewarn you whom ye shall fear: Fear him, which after he hath killed hath power to cast into hell; yea, I say unto you, Fear him. — Lk 12:5
Holiness: To be holy means to be set apart for or dedicated to God’s use. This involves separation from unbelievers.
Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness? — 2 Cor 6:14
Conviction of sin: Unbelievers are blind to their sin unless the Holy Spirit convicts them (Jn 16:8). They always like to blame others for things are clearly their own fault, like being gay, for example.
And God saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and that every imagination of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually. And it repented the Lord that he had made man on the earth, and it grieved him at his heart. And the Lord said, I will destroy man whom I have created from the face of the earth; both man, and beast, and the creeping thing, and the fowls of the air; for it repenteth me that I have made them. — Gen 6:5-7
Using children: Our children owe us so much for bringing them into a world of sin and suffering to live a life that is meaningless without Jesus (Eccl 1:2) and face an eternity of torment if they don’t love God. It’s comforting to know that they are our unemployment and disability insurance and retirement package all rolled into one.
But if any widow have children or nephews, let them learn first to shew piety at home, and to requite their parents: for that is good and acceptable before God. — 1 Tim 5:4
Male headship: For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing. — Eph 5:23-24
Cheerful giving: Will a man rob God? Yet ye have robbed me. But ye say, Wherein have we robbed thee? In tithes and offerings. Ye are cursed with a curse: for ye have robbed me, even this whole nation. Bring ye all the tithes into the storehouse . . . — Mal 3:8-10a
Speaking the truth in love: Thou shalt not hate thy brother in thine heart: thou shalt in any wise rebuke thy neighbour, and not suffer sin upon him. — Lev 19:17
All of this is, of course, built on the power and authority of God’s Word.
Therefore whosoever heareth these sayings of mine, and doeth them, I will liken him unto a wise man, which built his house upon a rock: and the rain descended, and the floods came, and the winds blew, and beat upon that house; and it fell not: for it was founded upon a rock. — Mat 7:24-25
It is God who has appointed Himself to have authority over men and men to have authority over women and parents to have authority over children.
What the Love Wheel™ shows is that if your husband keeps your pride in check, inspires fear, keeps you from corrupting influences, doesn’t apologise for confronting you when you sin, expects to profit from your children, exercises his role as head of the household, manages finances the way the Bible tells him to, and constantly warns you and your children about the consequences of sin, then he loves you as much as God loves him.