Preparing To Be A Help Meet: Grabbers, Hidden Flowers and Princesses Part 1

Preparing To Be A Help Meet: Grabbers, Hidden Flowers and Princesses Part 1 November 28, 2014

kinglyby Mel cross posted from her blog When Cows and Kids Collide

Well, we all survived the world’s most boring courtship between Ellie and Anthony. Debi was really struggling; she couldn’t insult anyone for an entire chapter.

Don’t worry; she makes up for lost time and insults in the next few chapters. Oh, and she gives the floor over to the Three Stooges – Unnamed Prophet Man, Priest Man and King Man – far too often.

Moral to the Story: The kind of female you are will determine the kind of male you attract.

A Caution: If you want a husband who is not a pervert, then act like a princess so as to attract a good, wholesome prince.

Whoa. Debi managed to blame wives of men who are ‘perverts’ for attracting a bad guy.

I’m horrified – and strangely impressed at Debi’s abilities at shaming women retroactively.

The next few stories are disasters. All these girls got too antsy. What does antsy mean? You’ll see.

I’m worried that Debi’s audience is presumed to NOT know what antsy means. This does not bode well for the future home schooled children.

We have read three beautiful love stories: The Kid, Courtship with Whom? and The Italian Prince. We learned about three kinds of men and three kinds of gals. Now it is time for some ragging.

Oh, God. I’d forgotten Lydia’s arranged marriage courtship with Billy. So, yeah, we’ve heard Mike and Debi’s “When a narcissist meets a codependent” story, Lydia and Billy’s “God, let me fall in love with him before we marry” story, and Ellie and Anthony’s “Don’t talk about the attraction we share” story.

Wait, Debi thinks she’s been “rag” free? Agree to disagree on that one.

Don’t be discouraged, for sometimes we have to explore the negative to get positive results. Remember, your goal is to grow and change so as to attain a glorious marriage. If you feel a little beat up, well….charge on and grow. Life is a series of tests. Discard and forsake those shabby things you have put in your life and start building that which will be a glory to God.

Did Debi imply that God expects every girl to obtain a glorious marriage as the main goal of her life? It would be nice to get through one freaking chapter without a bizarre new heresy.

Many young girls have come to me bemoaning, “How do you let a guy know you think he is really fine without being a come-on?”

I strongly doubt any young girl has come to Debi in the last 35 years and asked that question.

Other girls have said to me sanctimoniously, almost bitterly, “I am so embarrassed at the way that girl hangs on to guys. She sure doesn’t act like a chaste virgin.” Their critical observations are warranted, but sometimes it drives them to the other extreme – to become a Hidden Flower. Their reserved attitude often comes across as snooty and puts good men off.

“Chaste virgin”? Who….who talks like that? I’ve been around teenagers for years and none of them have ever used that phrase. And, honestly, no adult has used that phrase either.

More practically, we’ve got a great Debi Catch-22. You can either mimic her and complain about all other women but not catch a guy or not gossip and catch a guy.

[Priest Man: I’ve actually had this happen to me because I’m reserved, don’t hug girls, etc.]

No man wants to get involved with a girl who thinks she is super-spiritual, holy and wise.

I think it’s safe to say no girl wants to get involved with a super-spiritual, holy, reserved guy who doesn’t hug girls either. Overweening self-importance broken up only by neurotic fear of sexuality is not attractive in either gender for any sexual orientation.

Advice from Zack* to his teenage sister:
My sister asked me how she can get a good guy to be interested in her. I tell her that sometimes girls come across as, “I’m so cool” or “I’m too spiritual to have the time of day for you.”
I really don’t get into girls who have that “better than you” look. I know that the girls say that they don’t mean to come across that way, but that is what the guys are seeing.
I told my sister she needs to always make guys feel that they are liked and appreciated. Look at them and smile with an accepting look, not flirty, but a pleasant interest in them and in their interests. Never put on airs of being a defensive, chaste virgin.
*Zack is a cool, 18 years old, talented, and has his eye on the girls.

I call bullshit.

  • Two uses of “chaste virgin” in less than 200 words from teenagers is completely unbelievable.
  • I promise that I never had a conversation like that with my younger brother and my husband looked at me as if I was insane when I asked him if he ever had his younger sister ask him “How do I attract boys?”
  • Likewise, try and read the sentence that starts with “Look at them and smile” out loud. Yeah. Exactly. It’s a written sentence, not a spoken one.

Geez. Dating is rough enough when you are allowed to flirt. Expecting anyone to walk a “be pleasant and accepting but NOT FLIRTY and NOT FRIGID” line is sadistic.

Plus, the raging double standard is pissing me off. Boys are allowed to be girl-crazy like Zack or stand-offish like Priestly dud, but those same behaviors are the kiss of death to girls.

Debi then adds a foot-note to the foot-note “from” Zack:
[Kingly Man: “I don’t mean to come across that way” is really a useless argument and a cop-out. Especially when the whole point is to get other people to notice you. You are what other people see you to be. It can really come across as just another way for an “uppity girl” to absolve herself of responsibility to change.]

“You are what other people see you to be”!?!?

What is freaking wrong with you?

Have you actually read your Bible? Ever? Like read and thought about it?

You seemed to miss the OVERARCHING theme of the New Testament: We are all children of God. The outsides don’t matter.

The next time I need a better description of white, male, middle-class, Christian, heterosexual, ablest privilege I’m just gonna say “you are what other people see you to be.”

I’m so pissed right now that I’m gonna go read some Terry Prachett. His foot-notes within a foot-note are awesome and he’s a whole lot better at reading humans than Debi et al.

AntiPearl:An individual has not started living until he can rise above the narrow confines of his individualistic concerns to the broader concerns of all humanity.
Martin Luther King, Jr.


Read everything by Mel!

Mel is a science teacher who works with at-risk teens and lives on a dairy farm with her husband. She blogs at When Cows and Kids Collide

Daisypath - Personal pictureDaisypath Vacation tickers



If this is your first time visiting NLQ please read our Welcome page and our Comment Policy!

Comments open below

NLQ Recommended Reading …

Quiverfull: Inside the Christian Patriarchy Movement by Kathryn Joyce

13:24 – A Story of Faith and Obsession by M Dolon Hickmon

Browse Our Archives

Follow Us!

What Are Your Thoughts?leave a comment
  • Astrin Ymris

    Michael Pearl–of all people!– is accusing reserved girls of “absolving themselves of the responsibility to change”?!?

    Damn! My Irony Meter didn’t just blow up– it underwent a conversion into a supernova. That man is a walking test case for psychological projection.

  • Saraquill

    “What does antsy mean? “<— See Michael Pearl's stranglehold on Debi from his laps around his car to their rapey honeymoon.

    "I really don’t get into girls who have that 'better than you' look."<—This line applies to both Pearls.

  • Rebecca Horne

    Wait, it uses the phrase “chaste virgin” twice, but the first time it criticizes girls for NOT acting like one, and the second criticizes girls FOR acting like one!

    Also, how does a “virgin” act?
    I’m considering the behavior of asexual virgins I know–people who simply have no interest in sex. You’d think they’d be the most “chaste” but a lot of them tell a lot of dirty jokes and do not behave in a way that would strike most people as, “yup, they’re totally chaste.”

    It’s…it’s almost as if people have personalities beyond whether they’ve had sex!

  • Nea

    A woman who held a childhood crush for almost a decade, who makes fun of every other woman who was interested in the same guy, who relied on a lie to get his attention, and who thought having her hand held was major, major attraction is going to lecture others about being “antsy”?

  • Mel

    Oh, Nea. It gets SO much better when she starts attempting to differentiate her behavior (which is Princess-like) from Antsy – if you enjoy Pearlian logic.

  • Mel

    You’ve hit the nail on the head of the entire chapter. Act like you want to attract a man and you will marry a pervert because you’re a whore. Act like you don’t want to attract a man and you will die alone. Get married by being attractive – but not too attractive – but not ugly either…..

  • KarenH

    I’ll just take my “uppity girl” self over to my non-lesbian, non-duplex, non-rented house and be damn glad I never crossed paths with the dickhead Debi married.

  • zardeenah

    What are the books describing these stories again? I’ve heard of then but haven’t read the stories in the original (presumably horrifying) context.

  • Nea

    I’m trying to think of an appropriate princess. Even Rejected Princesses isn’t helping.

  • Saraquill

    “Created to Need A Helpmeet” for their honeymoon horrors, “Created to Be His Helpmeet” for the rest.

  • Nea

    I live alone and it’s 1000x better than the “glory” Debi describes. I’m not lonely because I have friends. Who listen whenever I talk instead of making me petition. And the cats don’t ask me to eat their food.

  • Amarad

    In Debi-land, women are supposed to be absolutely passive. A mirror to reflect whatever the viewer wants to see in the hopes of attracting ‘prince charming’. Only Prince Charming can make a move, take initiative of any kind.

    They are cattle to be herded by whatever man has possession of them. Devoid of any personality such as self-confidence or interests of their own. No thought or initiative allowed. AUGH!

    *emergency kitten*

  • gimpi1

    Mel, by all means, go read some Terry Pratchett.

    Unlike the Pearls, he actually understands his fellow human-beings so well that, disguised as dwarves, trolls, wizards and vampires, they still resonate with reality. Whereas the Pearls claim they are writing non-fiction, and it comes across unrealistic, stilted and unbelievable.

    I’ll take Discworld over Pearlworld any day of the week.

  • Delilah Hart

    “Act like a princess”, huh? Does this mean I can act like Princess Diana, who sometimes sunbathed topless and hung out with cool gay guys like Freddie Mercury and Elton John? If so, I’m game! 🙂