Preparing To Be A Help Meet: Grabbers, Hidden Flowers and Princesses Part 2

Preparing To Be A Help Meet: Grabbers, Hidden Flowers and Princesses Part 2 December 1, 2014
King Henry VIII with a few of his 'grabbers' male and female
King Henry VIII with a few of his ‘grabbers’ male and female

by Mel cross posted from her blog When Cows and Kids Collide

Today, we get to learn about Grabbers – a term Debi dropped in about 30 pages ago without a definition.

In order to teach balance, I have divided girls into three kinds: Grabbers, Hidden Flowers, and Princesses. This is not a biblical categorization like the three types we discussed earlier, but it is very representative description of today’s girls. I think the categories will help you gain a picture of what you want to become and what you need to avoid.

Thank you, Debi, for not trying to make these pretend categories “Biblical.”

Grabbers are girls who go out hunting guys, latching onto the arms of any possibility. The problem is that the good guys will look down on girls who come on to them. Some girls are such renowned Grabbers that they hang on any arm that doesn’t already have a swinger on it.

Does Debi know what “swinger” or “grabber” means? Between gratuitous use of the phrase “Place it in your Treasure Chest” (which I left out, but she uses in the homework section of each chapter) and these new ones, I’m starting to think Debi needs a refresher on sexual slang.

I digress…

No one really knows if they have a special boyfriend; they are just ‘boy-crazy’. There are plenty of guys who will welcome the attention and the good time, but they won’t value what is cheaply given.

Perhaps the girls (and guys) are simply having a good time together. As long as everyone is clear on relationships – or non-relationships – most people will have fun, casual, romantic relationships without being scarred.

The good guys looking on will disregard Miss Hanger-On as a possible mother of their future children even if they welcome her attention and flirt back. If her actions are not wifely and motherly now, why expect her to be different in the future? “The heart of her husband does safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil” (Proverbs 31:11). This girl is destroying her marriage before it happens.

People change over time, Debi. I wasn’t particularly “wifely” when I was 18. I am “wifely” now.

Some guys, even good ones, like getting their male ego tickled, but when you are married to a guy that you managed to snag this way, you’ll be left wondering if he likes come-on females after he is married.

Ah, true Pearlian logic. Men are blinded by sexuality that they can’t possibly see through a flirty girl and are completely unable to resist attractive women after marriage – but they are still the leader.

[Kingly Man: Yes, he does. You can state that emphatically. If he married a girl that got his attention through constant flirting and flaunting her body, various girls will continue to get his attention that way after he’s married. The biggest problem with being a “Grabber” is that practically guarantees you’re going to marry the wrong kind of guy – and that will probably become more of an even more acute problem 25 years later when you don’t have a 20-year-old body anymore and lots of other girls out their do.]


Kingly Twerp, let me give you a tip: A 50-year-old married man with a houseful of children living in grinding poverty who leers at 20-year-old women is unattractive as hell. He’s also very likely to end up with a horrible divorce settlement.

That’s a real problem. As a young wife, you will be in a constant state of jealousy, so shun being a Grabber.

Even if a Grabber doesn’t literally hang on a man’s arm, a man will recognize the Grabber’s intent of grabbing at the relationship. An example of this would be the girls who approached my husband Michael, telling him they knew God had told him they knew he was to be their husband. That is a spiritual Grabber.

Debi, you MARRIED Mike. Stop being so jealous of the other girls he dated. After more than 40 years, that kind of jealousy is pathological.

(Does asking a guy to marry you count as a Grabber?)

[Kingly Man: I know if any girl had come to me and asserted God told her I was to marry me, I can promise you I wouldn’t. I’d be seeking the fastest route away from the crazy and/or grabby girl. On a fundamental level, I don’t think any man wants to be married to a self-proclaimed prophetess.]

That’s the first sane thing Kingly Twerp has said. For the record, I don’t think any woman wants to be married to a self-proclaimed prophet either.

AntiPearl:Time is too slow for those who wait, too swift for those who fear, too long for those who grieve, too short for those who rejoice, but for those who love, time is eternity.
Henry Van Dyke


Read everything by Mel!

Mel is a science teacher who works with at-risk teens and lives on a dairy farm with her husband. She blogs at When Cows and Kids Collide

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  • Independent Thinker

    “The problem is that the good guys will look down on girls who come on to them.” If guy looks down on you for flirting with him a bit, run. He isn’t worth your time. He’s an insecure jerk.

  • Saraquill

    “…the girls who approached my husband Michael, telling him… he was to be their husband.”

    What are the odds of Michael telling Debi to write this in?

  • Liz R.

    Hang on, didn’t God tell Debi to marry Michael?

  • Aimee Shulman

    Yeah, she makes a HUGE GIANT DEAL about it in CTBHH. All about how God chose her, the perfect clever superior spiritual girl, to be Michael’s future wife over all those other gross stupid worthless skanks who dared to be interested in him. I mean, I will grant her that she didn’t actually come out and TELL him this during their weird pre-marriage era, but she goes on and on about it in her book that he participated in writing, so…

  • Nea

    Debi, you MARRIED Mike. Stop being so jealous of the other girls he dated

    I’m not sure she’s jealous. Instead, I think she’s being even LESS mature: IMO she keeps bringing that up to say “neener, neener, *I* got him and you didn’t.”

    Mind you, plenty of those girls he dated probably read the description of her “glorious” marriage with him, from bang-to-collapse honeymoon to The Season of Cat Food and thank their lucky stars that they, unlike Debi, got over their teenaged crushes and didn’t get saddled with him permanently.

  • Baby_Raptor

    I initiated the relationship with my partner of 3 years. He *thanks* me for it because he considers me one of the best things to ever happen to him but he was too scared to start anything himself.

    Totally sounds like what Debi is claiming here.

  • ConcepcionImmaculadaPantalones

    mmmmhmmmmm…..yeah, those crazy grabby girls must have been lined up down the block in hopes of getting their chance at Michael Pearl, who of course was running away from them all the freaking time. I can see him running from girls, not because they wanted him and he didn’t want them back. Debi…Debi, Debi, Debi…oh girl, I don’t even know where to start and I’m 40 years too late anyway.

    But in the extremely unlikely even I ever happen to come across either Pearl while they’ve somehow managed to be coated in super glue and then got stuck to a chair or rolled up into a rug…(duct tape is a felony, super glue is an accident.) I’ll need some plumbing supply line, a couple of weasels (or marmosets, I’m not that picky), the entire Law and Order series on dvd, a dictionary and a thesaurus. For the first 24 hours.

  • Suzanne Harper Titkemeyer

    I like the way you think!

  • ConcepcionImmaculadaPantalones

    I’ve been feeling especially creative lately. If you can’t be creative with your meting out some ‘rough justice’ to some warped ‘fundies’ while incorporating a few things they’ll find familiar in the process, it can turn into some boring mundane torture. 😉

  • BlueVibe

    “Grabber” only creates one mental image for me, and it’s definitely not the one Mrs. Pearl has in mind.

    Honest to goodness, it’s a wonder any of these people ever get married, as dead-set as they are against showing any interest in each other until like ten minutes before the wedding. Also, I think I need more coffee to deal with this level of hypocrisy before 8:00 in the morning–“God told her” to marry him, but somehow that’s not at all like the way He told all those other girls to marry him. Not at all. Because . . . junior high mentality and complete lack of perspective on adolescent crushes.

  • bekabot

    Perhaps the girls (and guys) are simply having a good time together.

    I wonder whether Debi isn’t misinterpreting some of what she sees as “grabber” behavior. What she describes sounds more to me like what happens when girls and guys just hang around together in a non-romantic way. (Though Quiverfull folks come across as the kind of people who would maintain that there is no non-romantic way for girls and guys to hang around together, and I would almost agree, with the major reservation that there are lots of relationships between kids of opposite sexes where where the romantic element is so slight that for practical purposes it’s not there.)

    In which case I would imagine the following conversation:

    Debi to young girl, gesturing angrily at young girl’s guy friend: “He’s not really interested in you, you know.” {followed by satisfied mean look}

    Young girl to Debi, talking while taking guy friend’s arm: “Yeah, I know. I’m not interested in him either; not, um, that way. But, I like to go to his house for dinner because {lowers voice conspiratorially} he’s a really good cook.” {Upon which they walk away together hand in hand.}