by Mel cross posted from her blog When Cows and Kids Collide
Debi’s shown one trap for a girl who likes boys – flirting and showing any kind of sexual attraction leads to marrying a pervert.
Now, Debi sets up the other worse-case scenario – being an old-maid.
Hidden Flowers are treasures concealed from public view, either behind closed doors or disguised as icicles. They might as well be wearing a sign that says, “Find me if you can, that is, if you are worthy of such a glorious gal as I.”
Healthy self-esteem is attractive – but that’s my worldly ways speaking again.
These girls live at home, seldom minister to others outside of their families, usually don’t help out in events, steer clear of getting involved in projects outside of their small circle, don’t work outside the home, wouldn’t consider a mission trip unless it was very scheduled and chaperoned, and of course, seldom meet any cool dudes.
Of the six events in the previous sentence, four of them are church-related. I don’t know that young women are going to meet more guys at a tiny conservative church than at a home church.
On the other hand, Debi does imply that young women can live outside of their homes and work. That’s down-right progressive for some circles.
[Priestly Man: I’ve heard guys ask, “How can you get to know a girl enough to consider her if she is so protected that you can never find out anything about her or talk to her? The answer is to be found, not in recreational dating, but in arranging social activities, dinners with other families, get-togethers, etc. These events allow young people to interact, talk and see how others respond in various situations, in a ‘safe’ environment.]
Being in a ‘safe’ environment by definition severely limits the number and types of situations where young people can interact freely.
With all the coverage of the older Duggar daughters’ courtships, I keep thinking about how strange their first hours and days alone with their husbands must be. They’ve never been alone their spouse until after they were married. How do you transition from being in the middle of a huge family and never alone to a family of two people?
It is not their spirituality that makes these Hidden Flowers as “useless as they seem.” A few have adopted their cloistered life style as a matter of principle. They think they are doing what God would have them do. Other just live in a very protective environment and are guarded by parents. Some are shy and uncomfortable in public, due to lack of experience. Some are afraid of the world. They, or their parents, fear the world will gobble up the girls. Many believe somehow God is going to just find the perfect man and send him an email telling him to go to her house and ask for her hand in marriage. For whatever reason, these flowers remain a secret to the many guys out there looking for a quality girl.
I can think of three other problems inherent in the CP lifestyle that makes it hard for young women to meet guys:
- Home schooling – By definition, opting out of public or private education will greatly decrease the number of peers a young woman interacts with.
- Enforced gender roles – I wonder how many young men Ellie met while learning to arrange flowers or being a nanny compared to working in a store.
- Agrarian Idealization – If you choose to raise your family in an area with very low population density, they are going to meet fewer people than in a city.
These factors interact; how many eligible guys will a home-schooled daughter who lives in rural Minnesota and works at her local church of 30 families going to meet?
[Priestly Man: Nuns don’t married unless they leave the convent. See “The Sound of Music.”]
“The Sound of Music” was about finding your vocation in life – married, single or in a religious order. If Maria had been a fully-professed nun instead of a postulant, leaving the convent would have been much more convoluted process and lots of paperwork would have needed to be done before she could marry the Captain.
They are good girls that would make great wives, but they have a misguided idea of how a righteous girl should spend her time. If they remain home-bound too long, they might wake up to find that they have become Hidden Old Maids. Many quality young men complain that they cannot find a virtuous woman. When most young men get of age to marry, they will choose the best they can find among their acquaintances. They don’t knock on doors.
Debi’s warming to the topic at hand: If a woman is single, it is HER fault. Clearly, plenty of great men are easily available in all situations for all women.
[Priestly Man: If you want to be found, be findable (sic).]
That’s the kind of deep I’ve come to expect from you, Priestly Man. See, Hidden Flowers, you are missing out on Priestly Man’s charms!
I know several productive, charming, happy women who never married because they stayed Hidden Flowers too long. If they had to do it again…well, they would tell you to read this book and do what it suggests.
Debi’s so good at this! If her single friends had followed her advice years ago, they’d be married like her. Since they didn’t, she gets to gloat.
Of course, if I were one of her single friends, I’d comfort myself with the fact I wasn’t married to Michael Pearl.
Chances are, if you are reading this, you want to become a Princess who marries a real Prince…so read on.
Both Grabbers and Hidden Flowers are on opposite ends of a spectrum. Both loose (sic) out. One never marries; the other marries a jerk. There is a balance. The Princess wins the Prince.
Debi calls it balance. I think a better description is tight-rope walking over lava…
AntiPearl:Experience: that most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God do you learn.
C. S. Lewis
Mel is a science teacher who works with at-risk teens and lives on a dairy farm with her husband. She blogs at When Cows and Kids Collide