Preparing To Be A Help Meet: Grabbers, Hidden Flowers and Princesses – Part 4

Preparing To Be A Help Meet: Grabbers, Hidden Flowers and Princesses – Part 4 December 3, 2014

stepfordby Mel cross posted from her blog When Cows and Kids Collide

Debi has explained two ways to end up miserable – chase boys and marry a pervert; live too sheltered a life and never get married.

Now she explains how to catch a guy without catching a guy….

A Princess will not be a come-on, neither will she stay hidden. She will be busy, productive, and her life will have purpose, and her purpose will not be just to get married.

Based on the previous stories, Debi’s definition of “come-on” is known as flirting in mainstream society.

The basic idea of having a fun, satisfying life outside of a man is solid.

When a man is looking for a help meet, he will notice girls who are busy helping. A girl who is enthusiastically involved in projects and activities exudes an energy that makes her attractive. A young man of energy and vision who plans on conquering a little portion of the world and making a difference is going to find a partner who is already engaged in the same. He is not going to want to marry a liability, a high maintenance wall hanging. When he sees you aggressively helping at church, in camps, at home, friends, etc. he will take notice.

The unspoken assumption here is that young men pick out wives with the same level of detached, logical thought used in deciding which flooring option is best for a house.

Of course, Debi’s already stated that young men can be attracted to and marry a “Grabber” so the message is getting a bit muddied.

So become busy workers. When you work with children, your motherly skills will be noted. Offer to cook for church meetings. Smart girls will take charge of the clean-up routine, demonstrating a true servant’s heart and a go-to personality. People will talk about good food and who prepared it. Everybody appreciates hard work and a good attitude.

Perhaps I’m cynical, but this sounds to me like a rationale for foisting all of the boring jobs at church off on to young adults while preventing them from actually being involved in the church meetings. Is Debi that worried about a young adult rebellion in her church? Hmm…..

Men not only listen, they watch. All men appreciate women that are joyful, cheerful and entertaining. A too-sober girl, a girl that has a slightly cautious air tinged with just a touch of critical attitude, will be passed over. All men are repelled by self-righteous women. It is a common fault that seems to overcome even the sweetest girls once they are married. If your countenance as a single girl suggests even a hint of thinking yourself “wiser” and more “spiritual”, you will most likely stay a single girl. So if you feel your mind drifting into self-promoting piousness, relax, kick yourself, and put on a smile. You can read more about this subject in my book Created to Be His Help Meet, in the chapter on Jezebel.

This is some extremely flawed and dangerous advice. For years, I tried to deal with depression and anxiety by pretending to be happy, cheerful, entertaining, etc.

It doesn’t work. I was miserable.

Starting a life-long relationship by pretending to be happy and cheerful and funny all the time is DATING. Debi is rehashing all the same advice people can find on any dating help website.

The difference is that in dating relationships that are leading to long-term relationships, the people open up to each other slowly over time. The couple forms an emotional bond based on trust and respect.

I have grave concerns that Debi et al.’s views on what makes a woman attractive – be happy! work hard! don’t complain! – is destroying more women than it is helping.

[Visionary Guy: Good guys tend to be busy and don’t have time to stick around and get to know what a ‘sweet’ girl someone is behind their shyness or composed reservation. Make a good first impression, make an effort to show on the outside what’s inside. It doesn’t matter what kind of person you think you are. It matters what you do. People are known by their doings. (Pro. 20:13)]

Quick! Everyone recite Proverbs 20:13!

Why is it so quiet all of the sudden? Doesn’t everyone have the Book of Proverbs memorized?

Well, I don’t.

I’ve spent more time looking up random verses from Proverbs since I started reading this dratted book than I have ever before and I wondered how much of the Book of Proverbs made it into the Catholic Lectionary.

Best case scenario: 47 verses or 5.7% (Sundays + Weekdays readings combined.)

More likely scenario: 24 verses or 2.6% (Sunday and Major Feast Dates only).

For contrast: The Gospel of Matthew is 85% read in the best case and 55.5% in the average scenario.

It’s like the Church decided that the Gospels were more important than Proverbs….

And yet, the Pearls have quoted the Gospel once. One time in the whole book so far.

I digress…

Proverbs 20:13 is “Do not love sleep, or else you will come to poverty; open your eyes, and you will have plenty of bread.” That has nothing to do with dating or marriage. I don’t know why he quoted this.

AntiPearl: Personality is an unbroken series of successful gestures.
F. Scott Fitzgerald


Read everything by Mel!

Mel is a science teacher who works with at-risk teens and lives on a dairy farm with her husband. She blogs at When Cows and Kids Collide

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  • Nightshade

    ‘Her purpose will not be just to get married’ Oh, if only Debi had stopped right there…

    ‘All men are repelled by self-righteous women’ Really? So is Michael repelled by Debi? Or is he not a ‘real’ man?

  • Nea

    I wondered about Michael there too. Because Debi is nothing if not self-righteous.

  • Nea

    I suddenly remember that Debi did a TON of hard work for Michael in the hopes of getting him to notice her and her teenaged crush. And she did get his notice – he liked her hard work so much that on their honeymoon he worked her to collapse — with added sex even when she asked for a break, and if THAT wasn’t enough, even decades later called her a whiner who exaggerated the weight of the bag he made her carry and sneered at her for being pinched by crabs and having her feet cut on the rocks.

    Her hard work got his notice, and her reward was harder work. Not a marriage I’d want, thanks.

  • Melody

    Yes, and it’s crazy advice too, because you have to be a good Christian girl, but not too good, or Christian, or knowlegdeable about christianity or etc. Stuffed away in the house = wrong, being too outgoing = wrong, being a very good christian inside the house = wrong, being a good christian outside the house = wrong too because self rigtheous, but not being christian or too ‘loose’ = wrong too. The game is rigged it seems… 😉

  • ConcepcionImmaculadaPantalones

    Sooooo….make an effort to show on the outside what’s on the inside – without further clarification from those Pearl people, a few readers might assume that means disemboweling themselves but only a little bit.

    But who can relax and then kick themselves with a smile?

    Oh, and how likely is it that any guy who is rabidly frothing at the mouth trying to keep his sexual urges in check yet looking for a young woman to marry so that he can hump on her like a crazed wildebeest is going to have the presence of mind to bother with things like whether she shows her motherly skills and if she has the ability to cook?!

  • Gypsy Rose B

    Seriously. It’s hard enough to be a woman in American society and balance all of the expectations. I can’t even imagine how impossible being a “Good Christian Girl” must seem.

  • B.A.

    “…a true servant’s heart”… What the hell is this,the freaking Middle Ages??? I also thought slavery was abolished in 1865. But then,I went to school and was taught REAL history,not propaganda

  • Trollface McGee

    Or you can just dig a large hole, cover it with grass and twigs, wait until a man comes along and falls into your trap. Then hit the man with a club and drag him back to your cave.
    Still a better idea than listening to Debi.

  • bekabot

    All men are repelled by self-righteous women.

    Rarely do I meet with a pronouncement which defies commentary, but “rarely” is not “never.” Behold the black dove, the white crow, the utterance to which there can be no reply.

  • Nightshade

    It’s a game you can’t win. If you’re female everything is your fault. Not married? You’re too flirty/aggressive/withdrawn/remote, take your pick. Married but unhappy? You were too flirty/aggressive/withdrawn/remote, take your pick. Married and husband is unhappy? Of course it’s your fault, you couldn’t possibly expect a man to take responsibility for anything, even though he is supposed to be the leader and part of being a leader is taking responsibility. Kids less than perfect? Always mom’s fault. If you’re born with two X chromosomes in Pearlworld you’re screwed.

  • BlueVibe

    “Fill your life with menial work to get a man! Personalities are for headstrong, intellectual, independent, hussies, anyway, so deny yours at every opportunity. So what if it sets up an expectation that you’ll keep up this charade for the rest of your life? At least you didn’t get passed over.”

  • Nightshade

    Is there anything that all men (or women) are repelled by? There seems to be a tremendous lack of universal consensus on the subject.

  • bekabot

    I doubt there’s universal consensus on any subject.

  • drunkmosquito

    I wouldn’t mind if “Still a better idea than listening to Debi Perl” becomes the new “Still a better love story than Twilight.”

  • Been there, tried that. I am NOT going back. I’ll be the Mother Bear for my Jesus for the rest of my life, but I’ll never let a human man try to speak to my God FOR me.

    And so help me… there are days when I wonder what it would be like if God called Prophets like in the Old Testament again… Damnit, I probably NEED to write that story sooner or later. But I’m afraid of making the characters one-dimensional caricatures, especially those on the negative side.