by Mel cross posted from her blog When Cows and Kids Collide
Today, we learn how a girl can ask a guy to marry her without being ‘antsy’.
If a girl were wise she would know that to demand is to take the lead. If you lead your husband into the relationship you will lead him thereafter. Proverbs 8:11 “For wisdom is better than rubies: and all the things that may be desired are not compared to it.”
Remember, women leading men bring on the end of the world (/sarcasm).
A demand is…well, a demand. When a girl responds to a man’s informal interest with informal hope, not a demand, a man interprets it as humility. This is a very important lesson to learn. You may think the difference is only semantics. Not so. For a man, it often makes a difference in whether he drops a girl or continues in the developing relationship until he marries her. Remember a King or Prophet-type man will respond to humility in a female will gentleness and interest.
Flashback: “Kingly man” means raging narcisist. “Prophet-type” means untreated bipolar depression. “Priestly” means normal. So….don’t be humble. You can sift out some less desirable canididates that way.
Stop now and ask God to give you understanding as you continue to read. You must come to appreciate this concept. Learning it will help you in every facet of your life. “When pride cometh, then cometh shame: but with the lowly is wisdom” (Proverbs 11:2)
I love how Debi shifts into imperatives and Bible quotes when she realizes her advice isn’t very good. “LISTEN TO ME OR ELSE! IGNORE LOGIC BECAUSE BIBLE!”
Debi drops in an interview by “Beth” of Ellie. I can’t deal with another repeat of Ellie and Anthony, so I’m just going to pull out the new material.
Q: Your story inspires me. There is this guy that I’ve liked for over a year and he hasn’t made a move or anything. I don’t even know if he’s interested in me.
A: I have a friend who wanted to marry a guy who was clueless as to her interest.
Just….don’t…..you shouldn’t want to marry a guy before…..I don’t know what to say besides that is insane.
One day, he told her that he couldn’t find any good girls to marry, and she reponded, “How about me?” They were soon married, and he says that the first time he thought of marrying her was when she asked that question.
I don’t think most guys are that clueless. I’m still creeped out about the girl wanting to marry him before he had shown any interest.
I think there could be a place for dropping hints or even stating your interest. Without knowing your situation, it’s hard to say what I would do, but I have seen examples of young women letting the guy know where her interests lie, or having a brother/father/close friend let the guy know. Of course, if you do this it may end the casual friendship you have…or it could get the ball rolling!
That’s a fair warning. If you start talking about attraction AND the other person isn’t interested, your friendship may end. Of course, you are saving your time and effort by not pining over someone endlessly.
Back to Debi:
Popping the Question:
As a general rule, popping the question is a big no-no. Remember the antsy Rose Mary basically did the same thing as Ellie’s humble friend. The difference was: Rose Mary was steamed. A guy can tell the difference. Ellie’s friend came across with a smile and a big hope. A man would feel honored, not pressured.
Honestly, I don’t think it’s based on angry/humble or whatever Debi’s trying to peddle.
The real way Debi divides these stories: the guy’s reaction.
If the guy marries the girl, the girl must have done the right thing.
If not, the girl screwed up.
Remember, I’m the kid who knew from the time I was thirteen who would be my honey, yet he said not a word for seven years. I popped the question…your can read our whole story in Created To Be His Help Meet.
You will remember the joke I played on Michael, pretending to be engaged to the military guy? It was Michael’s wake up call to see me as a potential bride.
Yeah. No one wants to be married to Michael Pearl. EVER.
Also, why the absurb number of ads for “Created….?”
Can you see Ellie’s friend was humble with her question? She was hoping but not demanding that he “declare himself or else”. When a woman demands that a man state his intentions, he will feel trapped. But when she expresses her interest in a way that doesn’t draw a line in the matrimonial sand, he will feel honored.
There’s always an art to communication.
I’ve known a few people – male and female – who move way, way too fast. They go on two dates and then throw a fit when the other person won’t rearrange their whole life around a relationship that doesn’t exist.
On the flip side, I’ve known people who are afraid of any sort of committment and are afraid of moving a relationship along.
Of course, Debi doesn’t believe in committments before engagement. Nope, you should just wait patiently for someone to notice that you keep running church events with great cookies to mention marriage so you can ask them if they would marry you with lots of humility. Well, that could make young adult gatherings more….interesting….
A good man will not want ot hurt a girl. If you lead him into thinking that a continuing casual friendship is leading you to a place of pain in the event that he doesn’t carry it though, out of regard for you he will discontinue the relationship immediately.
In a stand up demand, the girl is demanding the guy surrender the secrets of his heart immediately.
[Kingly Man: Guys hate that. Most of the time the secrets of a guy’s heart are a secret even to him right up to the moment he makes a firm decision. Trying to force the issue before he’s ready makes him feel vulnerable and defensive.]
So, to avoid a guy feeling vulnerable and defensive, girls should feel confused, anxious, and walk on eggshells. Sounds miserable.
Ellie’s friend humbled herself by letting it be known that she would be honored if he would consider her, but she asked for nothing. There is a big difference in the way a man and a woman think.
Another great distillation of the Pearl views on gender interactions: Women should grovel before men.
AntiPearl: “She was not in the least teaching Mr. Casaubon to ask if he were good enough for her, but merely asking herself anxiously how she could be good enough for Mr. Casaubon.”
– George Elliot (pen-name of Marian Evans), Middlemarch, published 1874
Mel is a science teacher who works with at-risk teens and lives on a dairy farm with her husband. She blogs at When Cows and Kids Collide