by Mel cross posted from her blog When Cows and Kids Collide
At the end of the chapter, Debi starts muddling the message again. She’s got a difficult balancing act to pull off. If a girl chases a guy, she’ll end up married to a pervert. If a girl is too aloof, she’ll end up alone – which is the end of world in DebiLand.
Case #3: Antsy gone Grabber:
Women have numerous ways of taking control. Many men are either weaklings or so sexed up that they simply don’t care if the girl is mowing them down, but most good men will not put up with a girl who tries to leapfrog his schedule. I want to tell you the story of an Antsy Babe turned Grabber – literally. Remember, desperation can turn even a fine girl into a Grabber
So which is worse: being married to an oversexed weakling or being alone? Debi is strangely silent on that point.
April was twenty-two years old and ready to get married. She had her wedding all planned: dress, bridemaids, food, flowers, the works.
Well, except for the groom. He’s an afterthought even when Debi is telling the story becaused all men (minus perverts) are interchangable.
Practically, planning a wedding in the absence of a partner is a bad idea. The number of bridesmaids, for example, will probably need to change if the groom has sisters or cousins who should be included in the party.
When Jacob came to her church, she pounced. He was just what she had always hoped for. Her eyes shot daggers at the other girls who eye-balled him, saying “Don’t you even think about him…he’s mine”.
Debi’s young adult meetings sounded way more dramatic than any I’ve ever been to. Perhaps the ability to date made people less frantic and territorial.
That evening, as Jacob walked back to the parking lot in the company of the rest of the church group, he was surprised to feel a soft arm wrap around his. He jerked his head to see who had been so bold. He was shocked speechless when she squeezed in beside him in the car, then laid her hand across his thigh. His healthy hormones raced into overdrive, forcing him to struggle to choke down the impulse to do some heavy smooching right in front of the fam – yikes!
Look, I shouldn’t have to suspend disbelief while reading this book.
April grabs Jacob’s arm and he does nothing. I guess I can see that…kind of.
How did the whole car thing go down?
Was Jacob driving? Did April run around the car and jump in the passenger seat while Jacob stared blankly?
Was Jacob in the back seat and April jump in besides him? If so, who was driving?
Why would April make a move in the middle of the church parking lot with all of the young adult group around? That would attract a lot of unwanted attention.
The details just don’t work out.
(My husband thinks this is Debi’s version of fanfiction. I think he’s on to something there….)
Alone in the bright lights of his private room, he reassessed the situation.
Wait. HOW did Jacob get rid of April? Debi left him in a car with April and raving hormones. Shouldn’t he have been overwhelmed by passion?
Of course, now it would be difficult for him to get to know her, because his flesh had been stirred to the point that his mind and soul would not function on a pure level. Not that she was a bad girl, he knew that…she just had no clue as to the workings of manhood.
Perhaps he should have shaken her off when she grabbed his arm….
Plus, Debi’s made it pretty clear: a girl can get a guy to marry her if she gets him sexually excited enough. Perhaps April was sick of waiting for a guy to notice what a good cook and babysitter she was and decided to be more direct.
He felt both drawn to her and repulsed by the guilt she caused in him. He liked what the flesh was feeling. It was heady that such a cute girl obviously thought he was the DUDE, but he hated the feeling of losing control of his life. He knew if she continued her fleshly persuit, he might give in, wanting to marry her for the wrong reasons, and that would mean that for the rest of his life he would have a marriage built on the flesh alone.
Jacob’s fear of losing control is going to make life in general and marriage in specific extremely challenging.
Jacob did what a man has to do: “Flee also youthful lusts; but follow righteousness, faith, charity, peace, with them that call on the Lord out of a pure heart. (II Timothy 2:22)
He quit a good paying job and left town. The girl waited for his email or texts, and watched Facebook. Nothing. I suspect he was a Prophet, since they are more likely to do the unexpected. A Priestly man would have stayed in town, but just tried to stay hidden until the chase was over. A King might have given her the evil eye or a rebuke. This Prophet just ran. Very biblical.
How would Jacob contact April? According to Debi’s story, April tried to make a move on Jacob within a few hours of meeting him. Did he exchange contact information as she clambered out of the car? Is she cyber-stalking him? Is just really stupid?
How is quitting a job and running away “biblical”? Being attracted to someone is normal. Leaving town to avoid sexual attraction is abnormal.
Would Jacob have gone for April if she had not turned Antsy and become a Grabber? It’s possible. Now let’s think of a way she could have gently told him she was interested without becoming a Grabber.
Well, blurting out “I want to have your baby!” worked for Debi….
What if she had been smart enough to just briefly catch eyes with him…just once (very important to be just once) so as not to appear to be a Grabber or take control? Then if she had happened to blush, well, he would clearly have gotten the message that she thought he was a hunk.
I think I’ve been looking at this book the wrong way: Debi is working at PREVENTING marriages, not trying to form them.
Girls are supposed to look at a guy ONCE and magically blush on clue to show interest to a guy.
Guys, then, know a girl is interested because she looked at him once and blushed.
That’s going to end so very badly…..
How do you know that the guy saw you anyways? When my husband and I were on our 3rd or 4th date, I was leaning across the arm of his pick-up truck with my lips puckered up because I wanted him to kiss me. He said “I’ll call you tomorrow!” because he was so focused on getting back to the farm for a cow that was giving birth. My signals were much more clear than Debi allows…and yet he still missed them.
It might have awakened his interest in her; then, again it might not have. A girl has to hope but not demand.
Yeah, we got it. You don’t need to end every 3rd paragraph with that.
The key is that he could have decided whether he was intersted and/or if he was ready for such a move. Good men carry the load of responsibility. They need to feel as if they have stability to offer their bride. Remember how the Italian Prince waited until one hour after he graduated from college before he spoke for Ellie. He was wise enough to know that once he spoke he would be so distracted with the thoughts of her becoming his lover that he would not be able to focus on the task at hand, which was finishing what he had already started (school). Once he was free from that responsibility, he was eager to marry as quickly as possible.
Many, many people have managed to balance sexual attraction and career goals at the same time. It’s part of being an adult.
It is possible that a man who shared a “look” with you three years ago has been nurturing thoughts of having you as his bride. This might be a Priestly young man patiently working to save money so he will have something solid when he marries.
That sounds like a great plan to become a Hidden Flower.
Patience is so important.
Why Do I Paint Such a Mean Picture of Grabbers?
People wonder why so many marriages are hitting the rocks. You don’t have to be a Christian counselor to figure out that one out. Most marriages start with guys either looking for or giving in to a Grabber. When a girl is safely married, having captured her man on the lure of flesh, she will not feel cherished as a person. Maybe it’s because she’s not.
Whatever, Debi. I’ve never seen any studies that link “Grabbers” to divorce.
Marriages forged in the heat of lust will burn out fast. It takes a lot work and lots of giving and healing to save these marriages. You don’t want to go there.
Compared to the work, giving and healing of an average marriage? Or compared to the insane amount of work and giving needed when married to Mike Pearl?
[Steady Man: Whirlwind romances often have violent ends. I think there is a quote to this effect by the apothecary in William Shakespeare’s play, Romeo and Juliet.]
Couldn’t take the 30 seconds to look it up, huh? The quote is from the Friar, not the Apothecary in Act 2, scene 3″
“These violent delights have violent ends
And in their triumph die, like fire and powder,
Which as they kiss consume: the sweetest honey
Is loathsome in his own deliciousness 1470
And in the taste confounds the appetite:
Therefore love moderately; long love doth so;
Too swift arrives as tardy as too slow.”
Of course, comparing Debi’s writings to Shakespeare is agonizing so I can see why they left that out.
Patience is a virtue that produces lasting results. Ask Ellie and her Italian Prince. She waited over two years for him to even give her a hint, yet he said that he carefully concealed his love from her.
How do you get patience if it is not natural to your nature. That is what we need to learn.
Debi then recounts an obviously made up stor about a girl praying for patience and then having life get really hard – because GOD answers prayers…and patience comes through hard things.
AntiPearl: The more likely outcome of Debi’s “No one talk about attraction” views as described by Shakespeare in Act 2, scene 4 of Twelfth Night.
VIOLA Too well what love women to men may owe:
In faith, they are as true of heart as we.
My father had a daughter loved a man,
As it might be, perhaps, were I a woman,
I should your lordship.
DUKE ORSINO And what’s her history?
VIOLA A blank, my lord. She never told her love, 110
But let concealment, like a worm i’ the bud,
Feed on her damask cheek: she pined in thought,
And with a green and yellow melancholy
She sat, like patience on a monument,
Smiling at grief. Was not this love indeed?
Our shows are more than will; for still we prove
Much in our vows, but little in our love.
DUKE ORSINO But died thy sister of her love, my boy?
VIOLA I am all the daughters of my father’s house, 120
And all the brothers too: and yet I know not.
Mel is a science teacher who works with at-risk teens and lives on a dairy farm with her husband. She blogs at When Cows and Kids Collide